Wedding Nightmare - Might Lose best friend forever

pinky2010

Hi,

I have created a new profile for this as I dont want anyone who knows me to find it by accident, but I really need your help. Things have to come to an abrupt head today with my best friend who is getting married this year. The short version is that I have told her I cant afford to go to her whole hen do as it would cost me the best part of £300. As a true mse I work two jobs just to be able to afford to live so I dont have this sort of money to spend. I really wanted to go an be there for her so I said I would come for half of it as this would be about half the cost and just about managable. I did break this to her months ago and she was fine however today she said she had re thought and and really thinks I should come for the whole thing.
Again I explained I just couldnt afford it, but want to be there to support her and celebrate so I would come for part. she replied,
" well as a bridesmaid you really should have thought about the cost and started saving ages ago. i feel very let down by this x"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:eek:
I would like to keep my best friend and instead of showing her just how angre I am with her attitude and telling to her take a very long jump of a very short plank I would like to try and save our friendship.

I am going to write her an e-mail along the lines of,

I am really happy you are getting married and appreciate that you let me get involved, however I am finding all of this business to stressful, I want you to have a happy time and a wonderful day both at your hen party and your wedding but feel that the pressure of it all is effecting our relationship. I was pleased that you asked me to be a bridesmaid and I would be happy to help you and your partner celerbrate your big day. I feel that I have been supportive and a good friend to you over the years which i why I hoped you would understand my situation. I do not feel that you undertsand the finicial strain that I am under even though I have tried my hardest to explain it to you. I know how much it meant for you to have me at the hen do which is why i said that I would be come for some of it, which I would have been able to accomodate financially however I get the impression that you would rather I didnt attend at all if this was the case.
I am sorry if you feel that I have done anything to intentionally upset you, that is not what I wanted to do. I just want you to be happy but I am not lucky enough to be any where near able to afford the types of money attending the whole hen do would require.
I am going to leave the situation open and let you know that you can come and talk to me at any time.

I am not sure how to end it, i want to say if she doesnt want me at the wedding or hen do fine! But I want to put it nicer then that, so that I am extending an olive branch but she knows that the ball is in her court. Any help would be welcome.

Lavendyr

Goodness me, if I expected my bridesmaids to be shelling out £300 on coming to my hen do I don't think I'd have any left! As it is, I've asked them to contribute a bit for their dresses and that's it (and to put it in perspective, I have 4 adults and 3 little ones - so it's not going to be cheap for me!) - and I felt totally embarrassed asking that of them!

How far in advance did she tell you of the cost, and did you tell her then that you wouldn't be able to afford it? If that's the case, I would have thought that if it meant so much to her for you to be there she could have changed the plans to do something cheaper. After all the hen do (and the wedding for that matter) is about having the people you love there.

On the other side, being a bride & organising everything can be extremely stressful and this may just be getting on top of her, so although I know it's difficult to do, please don't take it overly personally - it is very easy to get selfish about your wedding and while I'm not condoning it, it can cloud judgement.

You sound like a lovely bridesmaid - please don't feel bad. I think your email is lovely & sweet and might help remind her of what's truly important about her wedding plans.

nervousftb_3

totally agree with everything Lavendyr said! you have done your best to explain the situation to her, and if she can't understand that then tht's her problem. your email is very well written, I wouldn't add anything else to it I would just send it as is.

it's possible that she has gone a bit bridezilla with all the stress and maybe when she has calmed down she will be a bit more reasonable about things! If you can't afford £300 then you can't afford £300 - her getting angry with you won't magic the money out of nowhere!

best of luck

Dizzie77

Awww - poor pinky, what a situation to be in.
Personally, from reading your message, I would think that it is quite formal - to your best friend, I think it can be
less formal, but along the lines of "I have other financial commitments, and I will be struggling to even afford to
attend part of the hen night - but if money were no object, I would be there with bells on".

Saying all of that though, £300 is a LOT of money for a hen do....!! what is she doing? (PM it if you are worried
about that identifying you or the B2B)
Maybe you could tell her which bits you think you could manage - for instance, if the hen do is a theatre break
with a nice meal in the evening, then you could miss the theatre, but go to the meal?

Good Luck though - I hope you get it sorted x

katsmasterplan

You're perfectly in the right here so don't stress! You're obviously trying your best and your email is really well worded

pinky2010

Thanks for the support, I want to get it right. I was told to pay £150 accomodation about 8 weeks ago. I only told her 3 weeks ago I couldnt manage it as I have been petrified about her reaction! As in really stressed, it gives me a head ache everythime I think about it.

pinky2010

Note to self, add some bells to whistles to my e-mail. I get your point, im addicted to formal letters.

pinky2010

Right have just spoken to the brides other half on face book as he instant messaged me. he said she is very stressed but if that i couldnt afford it, he thought it was very sweet of me to offer to go for half. For once a man with insight, but then if he isnt dealing with all the stress she is its probably clearer for him.
i told him i would send her a message and to give her a kiss from me and to tell her that i love her. Fingers crossed!

lindaatno9

I think a letter is wrong, however sweet it comes over, face to face followed by a hug is always the way to go.
However, if she is a true friend, she will understand the financial pressure you are under, she just obviously wants you there. Could you not arrange a meal and a night out for the 2 of you?

Dizzie77

Also, if she is so stressed, ask if there is anything you can help with - even if it's just to give her an opinion on a colour or something...
she is clearly getting a bit bogged down...!!

hellokitty08

a letter sounds like a good idea to me!