Help to trace Dad.

loopy_lass

good idea savvy, maybe i could look in that direction, norcap wants hard cash to help which is something i havent got. but will look into siblings... somehow..

i do know she abandoned them when the eldest was around 9 and youngest around 5, nice person!!!!!! NOT


cheers loops

Glitterari

seven-day-weekend wrote:

Actually, it doesn't bother me at all, I quite like being anonymous, but I know it bothers some people dreadfully and that's why I think adopted children should have every right to find their natural family if they wish (I don't think their natural family should have ther right to find them - maybe just register that they are willing for the adopted child to contact them if he/she wishes to).

My mum gave up her first child for adoption.

She tells me that there is not a day that goes past when she does not think of her. It's long and complicated - as I am sure it is with many parents who have had to give up a child for adoption.

Whilst I can empathise with the sentiments of what an adopted child goes through (i don't pretend to understand as I am not adopted), there is also the other side to it - what the biological parent goes through. In my mother's case - other family members made it very difficult for her to keep her first child.

And as far as I am aware, as I have looked into it somewhat, the biological family does not have any 'rights' to look for the adopted child - all they can do is add a note to the register that they are looking/can be contacted.

I may get flamed for this - but there is another side to it - I know my mother would love dearly to hear from her first child, but she daren't even try to look for her incase her life is fine as it and would be 'messed up' by her appearance.

I hope this makes sense - something I feel strongly about but can't always get the words down right.
C x

Barcode

There is another side, family members of the adopted child can be affected deeply. I bonded with all my siblings, eight of whom have been adopted, five of them have no memories of me and likely will not find out about my existence until they are eighteen.

One of the adopted families refuses to update me with an annual letter (I understand that they may think it disruptive for me to be in direct contact, but I think it's just selfish and spiteful to not let those of us who want to know that they are doing o.k anything at all). My mother is also very depressed about the situation (it's a really long story, all I'll say is that whilst there was some justification for the first few adoptions, social services became much too heavy handed, refused to give her a chance and basically kidnapped the last three as far as I am concerned).

As I understand it, the law is changing so that biological parents and siblings will be able to use a mediating service (such as social services) to look for the adoptee. The adoptee can then decide whether to make contact. I think this is fair, it avoids the shock of direct contact and gives them time to think about what they want to do.

I feel it is unfair that myself, and my sister (who also bonded with our adopted brothers and sisters) should be punished for things beyond our control.

As it is, I keep their file updated with social services and hope that when they are old enough, they will realise we want to hear from them, thought about them, and hopefully we can establish some sort of relationship.

Yes, the adoptees feelings are very important, but don't discount the rest of us who have been affected by the process.

Glitterari

Barcode you put that so much better than me.

I never knew my half sister who was adopted as she was born a long time before me, but it still has an affect on me despite never have known her.

kittykat100

We have been trying to find DPs biological family for a few years. We know the mothers name and the address of where she lived. However the family moved away shortly after DP was adopted in the 60's. We have contacted schools in the area via friends reunited and a few people remembered the family but did not know where they went. We have found out the brothers and sisters name also of the biological mother.

We could do with some help as well if anyone is offering

Kittyx

loopy_lass

i THINK my mom may now be in sheltered housing as she has "disappeared" off the electoral roll at her previous address... either that or she has died..

how would i find out where she was & would it be social services?

anyone?????

loops

nuttyrockeress

Hi

I found out when I was 18 that I had a sister who was adopted at around a week old. (She is a full sister, not half) Mum and dad were very young at the time and were forced to seperate and mum was made to give the baby up by her family.

Anyway to cut a long story short, I contacted Support after adoption a few years ago and after another long story we all met my sister.

Support after adoption were great, we had counciling sessions pre meet and phone calls afterwards.

Unfortunatley my dad died at christmas just 11 months after we met and I haven't seen my sister since his funeral which is a great shame as I really enjoyed seeing her.

We keep in touch with the odd text but that's it.

If anyone wants to pm about it then feel free

L

hostertlady

this is going to sound really heartless but what about the children they have had since they gave one up? how do the children cope with this dispruption to their family? everyone is ticking along quite nicely and suddenly this bolt from the blue turns up... you dont know this person they have been brought up by someone else, their standards may be different, their morals different, etc, the only link is the birth mother and that's all she is- the birth mother..

nuttyrockeress

hostertlady wrote:

this is going to sound really heartless but what about the children they have had since they gave one up? how do the children cope with this dispruption to their family? everyone is ticking along quite nicely and suddenly this bolt from the blue turns up... you dont know this person they have been brought up by someone else, their standards may be different, their morals different, etc, the only link is the birth mother and that's all she is- the birth mother..

This was my situation. I was shocked etc at first and it took a while to sink in. I can;t help but feel though that I am resented by my sister - in a sort of "Why did they keep her and not me" way.

Since dad died she seems reluctant to keep in touch which has really upset me more so than the episode as a whole has.

hostertlady

nuttyrockeress,
i have brothers and sisters that i have grown up with and we all get on great and when this other person came on the scene they tried to cause problems amongst us, they had a huge chip on their shoulder, had no morals, no manners and it was very difficult for us to come to terms with.. needless to say it didn't work for us to be 're-united' and why should it? our mum only gave birth, they have been brought up by their adoptive parents who i see as their parents... sorry if i sound hard but it's my opinion and i am just saying that it doesn't always have a happy ending..