advice re disinterested mum

Blackpool_Saver

thanks Turtle

GEEGEE8

It's bad isn't it.. It's all relative though, everyone's problems are hardest for them.. if you get me..

I find looking at the stars at night helps put everything into perspective.. failing stars, then looking at photo's on the internet of the solar system..

Blackpool_Saver

GEEGEE8 wrote: »

everyone's problems are hardest for them.. if you get me..

eeee ya don't give up do ya, just off to look at the stars for a bit.....NOT......:rotfl::rotfl:

kr15snw

Oh my god, it's like your describing my life in the future. I can see this happening with my mum.

Always been very close family, done a lot together (I have 2 older brothers). I'm the baby and was always spoiled a bit growing up. My eldest brother (32 at the time) moved out and within a few months I also moved out (at 18).

Ever since I have moved out my mum has become more and more distant, and now has taken to lying to avoid me seeing the family.

My mum never rings me, texts me, comes to see me or invites me over. I make the effort to go see them once a week and call them once a week. If I go to see them mum is always busy (hoovering, dusting or doing something for my brother (32 going on 5)). If I ring she says she's busy and can she call me back, never does.

The lies are what hurt though. Last year on her 60th I rang to see if they had made any plans to celebrate. She told me they were'nt doing anything so not to come out. I expressed my surprise that my oldest brother wouldnt be visiting with his kids. She told me they were'nt coming out as were busy and not to come out. We decided to pop in anyway on way home from work and entire family (nan, both brothers, sil and neices) were there having a birthday tea.

We are constantly being told of 'fun days out' that the whole family have been on, when I ask why weren't we invited we get told 'oh we assumed you'd be busy (no idea why)' or 'you live so far away it wasnt practicle' (we live about 12 miles away).

Then earlier this year I rang to check they were in so I could pop out and see them (very often we pop out to find theyve gone out on these family trips). Mum answered but kept telling me they were popping out but it was 'nothing special' and when i pushed she said she had to go. Left it a few days and asked my brother (the 32 year old going on 5) what he got up to at the weekend. He told me the great time they had as the entire family went out for my neices birthday (went to zoo) and then went for dinner in a nice restaurant. She could have easily told me that morning when I kept saying 'we're doing nothing today, we thought we could pop out' but no she lied.

We are getting more and more distant as time goes on. She is showing no interest in my up coming wedding (only to say things like 'oh at least your dress is white, oh did i show you the new cat toy???').

I reckon in 3 or 4 years I wouldn't see any of my family. Ever. They just don't care enough to contact me. Im the least favourite child by far and they show it.

BUT I know the second I have children mum will want to see me every day.

Don't know if I want to let her now

Sorry to hijack but sat here crying now

Blackpool_Saver

kr15snw wrote: »

Oh my god, it's like your describing my life in the future. I can see this happening with my mum.

Always been very close family, done a lot together (I have 2 older brothers). I'm the baby and was always spoiled a bit growing up. My eldest brother (32 at the time) moved out and within a few months I also moved out (at 18).

Ever since I have moved out my mum has become more and more distant, and now has taken to lying to avoid me seeing the family.

My mum never rings me, texts me, comes to see me or invites me over. I make the effort to go see them once a week and call them once a week. If I go to see them mum is always busy (hoovering, dusting or doing something for my brother (32 going on 5)). If I ring she says she's busy and can she call me back, never does.

The lies are what hurt though. Last year on her 60th I rang to see if they had made any plans to celebrate. She told me they were'nt doing anything so not to come out. I expressed my surprise that my oldest brother wouldnt be visiting with his kids. She told me they were'nt coming out as were busy and not to come out. We decided to pop in anyway on way home from work and entire family (nan, both brothers, sil and neices) were there having a birthday tea.

We are constantly being told of 'fun days out' that the whole family have been on, when I ask why weren't we invited we get told 'oh we assumed you'd be busy (no idea why)' or 'you live so far away it wasnt practicle' (we live about 12 miles away).

Then earlier this year I rang to check they were in so I could pop out and see them (very often we pop out to find theyve gone out on these family trips). Mum answered but kept telling me they were popping out but it was 'nothing special' and when i pushed she said she had to go. Left it a few days and asked my brother (the 32 year old going on 5) what he got up to at the weekend. He told me the great time they had as the entire family went out for my neices birthday (went to zoo) and then went for dinner in a nice restaurant. She could have easily told me that morning when I kept saying 'we're doing nothing today, we thought we could pop out' but no she lied.

We are getting more and more distant as time goes on. She is showing no interest in my up coming wedding (only to say things like 'oh at least your dress is white, oh did i show you the new cat toy???').

I reckon in 3 or 4 years I wouldn't see any of my family. Ever. They just don't care enough to contact me. Im the least favourite child by far and they show it.

BUT I know the second I have children mum will want to see me every day.

Don't know if I want to let her now

Sorry to hijack but sat here crying now

Yeah, hurts like hell doesn't it.............

GEEGEE8

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

eeee ya don't give up do ya, just off to look at the stars for a bit.....NOT......:rotfl::rotfl:

You know you want to lol

Some awful stories on here, I really feel for you guys.. x

I'm lucky that my mum is there for me, my dad is a bit hit and miss, but nothing like I've read here.

I'd be so upset and angry, it just doesn't make any sense! Why have kids if you are going to be so mean... :(

bestpud

It seems to me your mum feels out of her depth when she comes to your house.

Perhaps she just thinks she can't match up to your OH's family and/or your lifestyle?

Or perhaps she just needs to feel needed and you seem self-sufficient?

My parents hardly ever visit me either but I don't worry about it because I know they are people who prefer their own territory - it's just the way they are.

My sister goes to them for everything but I tend to keep to myself - that's just a personality thing but it could be interpreted as them doing far more for my sister and my niece/nephew if I chose to see it that way iyswim?

I don't see a huge lot of them even though they are minutes away but I love them and I know they love me so I'm ok with that.

If they need me, I'm there, and if I need them, they are there, but it's something we'd have to request tbh.

One thing you need to accept is you can't change other people; you can only change how you respond to them.

Do you want a relationship with your mum?

If no then consider stepping right back.

If yes then you will need to accept her for who she is and find a way of building a relationship around that.

Do you want a relationship with your sister?

Could you all meet up in a park or something, so you adults can chat and the children can play together?

SugarSpun

OP, my mother is much the same, more so now that I live in a different country. My brother still lives at home and has no job, no qualifications, no plans to get either and no prospects. She does everything for him (everything, she slices his pizza and gets up to make him coffee).

Just before Christmas we had a massive argument because my brother said something unspeakable, I retaliated and she took his side. She went as far as telling me I could clear out anything I still had in their house and never contact them again before she calmed down a bit and relented, but our relationship will never recover from that. We're still in regular contact because my husband's parents are dead and I want the baby to have one set of grandparents - but the inequality in the way she treats my brother and me is incredibly painful.

The way she sees it is that I'm settled and have my own family while he still needs her. The way I see it is that the needs I used to have are now mostly needs my daughter has and a small part needs I have, so I'd still like the equal relationship for the sake of my little one. I invited her over here in March, but she made excuses (and went on two holidays in the meantime) till recently and is coming over a couple of weeks from now and making plans to do all this stuff with my daughter who was only four months old the last time they met and won't recognise her.

Try talking to her again. If she denies any inequality, tell her that the kids have noticed it too and you want her to be able to have a strong relationship with them. Then suggest a family day out for you, her and the kids and see what she says. If she doesn't respond positively, then I'd cut contact down to a minimum. No kids like to feel rejected, and it has to be hurtful for you too.

I hope you can work something out, just as I hope we can.

Any

Hi,
I know exactly how you feel, our mother is a lot like that. Unless she gets drunk and feeling sorry for herself, then she embarasses us by screaming what has she done wrong, why we hate her (I don't) and why we moved away (maybe because she !!!!** all the money up the wall and we had to for work).

But when we buy her flight she has million excuses not to come. And when she does come she constantly feels sorry for herself and keeps repeating that she feels like "the poor relative" and she is so trying to stay out of your way as to not be in your way that she nerves you up.

I've learned to deal with it - why spend all your life getting upset over something you cannot control? Why? I don't get it - you are making your life miserable still thinking about it. You don't have to cut her off - just relax, lie back and enjoy the family that give something in return.

My sister is still upset whenever someone mentions our mum and she feels unloved though. Some people can deal with it better then others - but trust me - people like our mothers are not worth your tears or your thoughts. LIVE!!!

suited-aces

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

My Mother left the country and never came back, didn't attend my wedding or my sons christening.
My father lives 30 mins away and is not allowed to have contact with us as his wife can't cope with it.
I have no siblings and no partner, now what have you got to complain about?

I'd be round to his house to see him and telling her in no uncertain terms what she can do with herself.