Need to vent - anyone been in this situation?

maggied_2

Hi

Bit of history - I have been with OH just over 4 years and we've lived together for two. He has an 8yo DD from a previous relationship.

Some of you will remember from past posts the problems we've had with her but in short she has conspired to cause trouble since day one - sending me messages saying she's been sleeping with OH being here favourite. I've changed my phone number 3 times while I've been with OH - she absolutely hates me and I think believes that it's my fault her and OH aren't toegther.

Following a few horrible incidents last year (including her turning up at our house one morning just before school - we live right next to DSD's school so the whole school run, saw screaming abuse), her stopping us taking DSD on a holiday at half term because she's decided I have an eating disorder (I am slim, granted, but that's the only evidence she has) and then threatening to prevent OH seeing his daughter at Christmas OH took her to court to establish a contact pattern that she wouldn't be able to break. He was granted what he wanted and that was that.

X has continued to try to be a b!tch but apart from a little trouble it's been fairly quiet.

Anyway....fast forward to today. X insists that DSD goes to nursery after school even though we live right next to school and I'm often working from home on the days she goes - I've offered to have her but she's said no. However what I sometimes do is collect her from nursery early so she can play at ours as all here school friends live around here. As it's such good weather today, and I'm working from home, I suggested to OH that I pick her up from school so she can play out.

OH is supposed to go through X's mum for contact to stop the problems that were happening before. However I have noticed that direct contact has started to creep back and mother of all surprises we now have more drama. He contacted her directly to say he would collect DSD from school instead of her going to nursery and has received a rant saying that I:

1. Have smacked DSD

2. Never allow her to have a lie in.

The second comment I am disregarding as I don't even know what that means! I do sometimes get her up for school and sometimes OH does. She's generally awake before us at the weekends so I am discounting that as more of her bonkers ranting.

However I'm very concerned about the first. I have categorically never laid a finger on my DSD and nor would I. She did receive a smacked bum the other night from OH for nasty back chat but again this is rare - probably the second time it's happened in 4 years.

I don't know what's happened here - obviously if DSD is going home and telling her mum that I've smacked her then I can see why she'd be upset. But then that's an awful lie to tell and she is old enough to know her lies have consequences.

However her mother is a pathological liar - and I'm honestly not just knocking her here - she has told some of the most outrageous lies I've ever heard - even when OH has proven that he knows she's lied she sticks to her word. DSD does have a tendency to lie (not all together suprising - example for you - X kept DSD off school the other week because she'd been out the night before - and got DSD to call OH's mum to say she was unwell) - but she knows very well that it isn't tolerated at our house.

If she has told these lies I'm devastated as we have a really good relationship.

X is now saying she is going back to court with these allegations. I can't see it happening but I don't know how to handle it?

Do we ask DSD directly what she's said tonight?

Sorry this is a bit rambling but just trying to get my thoughts in order.

Any advice much appreciated!

cleopatra4485

From an outsiders point of view and from what you have written it sounds like she behaves this way even after all this time of them being split up because:

1. She feels like you are the reason they broke up.
2. They have slept together
3. She is alone and you have a great relationship and is bitter, in which you should feel sorry for her.

My OH has 11 year olds from a previous relationship in a different country and were adopted by someone else, so I don't have to deal with it, but I know for a fact if I was getting this sort of crap from an ex, I would make damn sure he sort it out. You shouldn't have to put up with it.

Good luck x

maggied_2

Just to clarify:
1. I'm not the reason they broke up - they broke up before we met
2. They haven't slept together - apparently she did this with other people OH went out with and successfully broke those relationships up
3. I do sometimes feel sorry for her - however she is so determindly malicious that it's hard to have any sympathy.

ETA - I don't mean to sound as snotty as I do! It's just I'm really wound up

cleopatra4485

maggied wrote: »

Just to clarify:
1. I'm not the reason they broke up - they broke up before we met
2. They haven't slept together - apparently she did this with other people OH went out with and successfully broke those relationships up
3. I do sometimes feel sorry for her - however she is so determindly malicious that it's hard to have any sympathy.

ETA - I don't mean to sound as snotty as I do! It's just I'm really wound up

Not sure really what you can do about her, its one of those situations that is really awkward. You can only really cut all ties with her, but obviously you DH doesn't want to not see his DD. You and DH could put a restraining order on her and since it has gone through the courts already, legally she doesn't really have any say about your time with DSD and make sure you both don't have any direct contact with her.

I don't disagree with a tap around the bum, but it is illegal and she could hold that against your OH and its very naughty the little girl is saying it is you, I would ask her if she did say it.

Sounds a nightmare, I have a DD with my OH, but I think I would have packed in a run ages ago :eek: I just hope it all works out for you

BitterAndTwisted

If the embittered ex doesn't want the child to be at your home after school then I wouldn't go against those wishes.

If it was agreed that OH would communicate through the ex's mother why is there direct contact now?

Quite honestly in your situation I'd bend over backwards to keep to the agreed arrangements whatever happens and whatever this mad-woman says or does. She sounds utterly determined to disrupt and upset you and OH regardless of the outcome.

Oh, and I would definitely NOT question the child about what was said or done as it appears that the poor child is being manipulated already but is not old or sophisticated enough to understand that or deal with it. Given how irrational her mother sounds I wouldn't blame any child from saying whatever it was that was wanted. I'm a grown adult and she sounds flipping-well frightening to me: imagine what it would be like to have someone like that in your life and it's your own mother?

maggied_2

B&T - the voice of reason as always You're right in what you're saying and we do go to great lengths to ensure that DSD has a 'normal' time when she's here. Her mother is incredibly manipulative (I could write a book) and we do everything we can to shelter her from the effects of it.

I'm not bothered either way about her coming here after school - it's just that it's nice for her than being up at nursery. Because of where we live a lot of the kids call on her here and we frequently have a house / garden full of them! She doesn't get to play out at her mum's (busy road, plus a little brother).

I think you've hit the nail on the head with her telling her mum what she thinks she wants to hear - it's so sad.

I'm just really sick and tired of the insults and accusations - ALWAYS aimed at me - whenever she decides to 'kick off' - usually every few months. In my logical head I know that she's nuts and I should feel sorry for her because she has to live as the embittered, nasty little moo that she is but it does get to me.

And seriously, what if she does decide to take this further - it's only my word against hers that I'm not hitting my DSD.

BitterAndTwisted

Given her past behaviour I doubt any objective, rational adult would take a word she says at face value. I honestly think that you should try and stop worrying about this alleged incident: the whole point of making these accusations is to upset everyone so if you rise to the bait she's got what she wanted. Deny it to her at all costs. You never know, one day she might come to realise that everything she does won't give the results she thinks she wants and she might just throw in the towel. Given past history I acknowledge that's a faint hope but that little girl won't be little forever and it won't be that long until she can make her own decisions without the interference of her lunatic, manipulative monster of a Mum

RAS

cleopatra4485 wrote: »

I don't disagree with a tap around the bum, but it is illegal

Actually it is not. Whatever people think, at present parents can use "reasonable chastisement".

maggied_2

RAS wrote: »

Actually it is not. Whatever people think, at present parents can use "reasonable chastisement".

I was going to comment on this - I think it is something that Europe wants the UK to implement but it hasn't been.

As I said it is a very rarely used sanction in our house.

B&T - I hope you're right. She spins an extremely good yarn and is very convincing. I cannot state strongly enough what a vicious person she is - and willing to throw anything (including her children's emotional welfare) at it to get her way.

Apparently she had a cr*ppy childhood and seems to be trying to ensure her DD receives the same.

RAS

maggied wrote: »

Apparently she had a cr*ppy childhood and seems to be trying to ensure her DD receives the same.

If she had a crappy childhood, she simply may not understand how damaging her behaviour is.

I recall expressing astonishment that my friend did not think it was reasonable to ask her DD to walk DS home from school (about 400 yards with a supervised crossing).

At that age I had two sibs, one of whom was just as disruptive as her DS, a mile and two major roads to cross, then unsupervised care of them for upto 2 hours.

My ideas of normality were obviously very different.

DVardysShadow

maggied wrote: »

Just to clarify:
1. I'm not the reason they broke up - they broke up before we met
2. They haven't slept together - apparently she did this with other people OH went out with and successfully broke those relationships up
3. I do sometimes feel sorry for her - however she is so determindly malicious that it's hard to have any sympathy.

ETA - I don't mean to sound as snotty as I do! It's just I'm really wound up

There is one person who cannot sort this out, it is you! As the ex sees it, you have taken her bloke and she ain't going to be happy. Take the back seat, unless she turns up on your doorstep.