Feeling Sad & Lonely

Paisley_3

Hi All

I cannot believe I am posting this because I never thought my life would turn out this way but here goes -

I don't have any real friends I lost touch with my school friends when I went to uni (we have since said 'hi' on Facebook but we live over 200 miles apart, and now have absolutely nothing in common with each other).

When I went to uni I fell in with a bad crowd, one particular girl made my life hell, befriending me closely then stealing money from me, and a mutual friend sided with her and started spreading rubbish about me too. I cut them out, but ended up inadvertently cutting out all my friends, as she said that I'd made up the theft allegation (even though I could prove it - she actually stole money from a charity box too, and had the empty box in her bedroom when we shared a house). In all she stole around £2,500 from my bank account by posing as me, the Police were almost totally unhelpful and though they said it was 100% her doing it, it would be hard to convict due to lack of evidence (as she wore a hat, so the cctv didn't catch her face, this was back in 2001, bank security has improved, I hope, since!). When they warned her off, she moved to Israel for 3years but I have heard she is back now.

I met my future husband at uni and so now I am happily married but still lonely for friends. My husband lost his friends too because this bad group I managed to escape from, the evil girl actually slept with his best mate as part of a ploy to get him to 'leave' him (as a mate.). They literally did everything they could to ruin our lives. I've heard since she was jealous, but I don't know how true this is, I don't have any more than anyone else. It sounds odd but I'm glad this girl showed her true colours because it has made me a strong, independent and practical person. I leaned too much and trusted too easily before. My strength has been a huge asset to me during hard times in my life.

So, now, we are (happily!) married, we moved to a new area for work and we know no-one (and in apartments you tend not to get to know), we have friendly aquaintances at work but no-one you'd invite over really, and we do go out on work events (and as a couple) but we sort of miss that 'core' of friends so many people seem to have.

My MIL (who I get on very well with) says that we'll make friends when we have kids as we'll go to events and things but as it stands I do feel a bit like a loser. Honestly I am not. I have a happy life, cheery personality etc, and so does my darling husband but it makes me feel sad that I don't get friends sending me texts or birthday cards etc.

We have 2 friends from work who we see rarely due to distance, but keep in contact with mainly via facebook. We have another 2 friends from uni (a couple) who are deeply in debt and 200 miles away, we visit them every few months but it's hard as they can't go out anywhere or visit us (we have paid a few times but to be honest we don't want to 'pay' for friendship, we feel they have come to expect it somewhat). And that's it really, apart from my SIL who I get along very well with. I feel like it's my fault that my husband doesn't have a mate to go to the pub with (though he maintains he is happy as he is, I still feel guilty).

To make matters worse I did a stupid thing in seeing what my old 'gang' were up to, they're still thick as thieves, going on holidays together, the evil girl is pregnant (and this makes me sad because I am going though a cervical cancer scare and can't even think about kids at the moment though I would love a baby), they all have full lives and to an extent I am a bit jealous.

I wish I could be more grateful for what I have as I do a lot with hubby. Am I just being a sad loser? I just feel no-one wants to know me, and no-one cares (outside my immediate family).

Sorry...post is really long...

Dizzy_Ditzy

I dont want to leave your post unanswered!

First off, dont worry about what people from your past have been up to. If they were meant to be your friends, you would have stayed in touch via more than facebook.

Secondly, give yourself a big hug, its horrible when you feel as down, especially with everything you have going on at the moment.

Why dont you and your husband start going to places like the local pub? Thats a good way to meet people. Maybe have a look at some social groups like walking etc. In Bristol there is a social group called Spice, maybe have a look and see if there is something similar in your area?

If you are into craft, maybe have a look for a knitting group, cooking group, WI if thats what you are into!

Fingers crossed everything goes well with your health problem x

GEEGEE8

Me & OH are happy with eachother, we don't need a big group of friends. We have people we know and get invited out, but most of the time I feel it's because these other people want a big group of friends and nothing more.

Try to think of what you do have, not what you don't.

BitterAndTwisted

Any after-work activities or even drinks to the pub you could both attend together? If there aren't perhaps you and you husband could start asking people to join you rather than waiting to be asked sort of thing.

A lot of friendships get started sharing mutual interests, do you and your OH like doing anything in particular that you could search out a group for? If not maybe take something up. Crikey, even popping down to the local pub on quiz-night could be a start.

jackomdj

Although I have lots of old friends we moved area in 2000 & we now have lots of friends here.

Some of the ways we have met people are:
Work - take the plunge invite someone over either for a coffee or dinner. Or ask if anyone fancies lunch together to make friends with them.
Home - it could be that your neighbours feel the same as you. Make the first move & invite them for a coffee or drink etc. If you don't see them put a note through their door.
Hobbies - OH is into bikes & we have a big group of us that initially used to see each other just at Xmas (well the lads would get together more often) but now we go out & do things. Do you or OH do anything, if not think of something you fancy.

I think you need to be brave & instigate conversations & invites. Remember lots of people are in your position & will be pleased that you have taken the first move.

HTH Nicky

chelleybelley

i can sympathise too, im in a similar situation where all my so called friends have gone off for one reason or another .... u will get the normal replies of doing a course,socialising more with work,taking more offers u would not normally accept etc but even so it hasnt worked my end ... maybe there should be an mse friends group lol

Raksha

Some people have loads of friends and an active social life, other's are comfortable in their own skin with just a few close friends or family - niether is right or wrong. Happiness is wanting what you have, not having what you want.

Emmamumof2

Sorry you feel so down and you're having a hard time health wise too - maybe that is contributing to how you're feeling.

When your MIL says you will make more friends when you have kids - thats probably not true!! I see my few friends less now than before I had kids because we're so busy - working/looking after kids etc! So the grass isn't greener on that side as wonderful as kids are there's plenty of time for that when you feel better!

Have you talked to your hubby about feeling lonely?

I agree with the other posters - maybe go to the local pub or bistro - there must be a few if you're living in trendy apartments! Just enjoy going out together and you will probably get chatting and make some new friends but if not no harm!

Keep your chin up!

xx

deedee71

I've posted this link before and it seems to be well represented around the country, judging by the responses - www.meetup.com.

I would remove any facebook contact etc regarding your old group. They have all moved on and so have you.

Be glad you have an OH and look at the good things you have - careers, a new home, new opportunities and MSE tendencies lol !

When I split with my ex 4 years ago I lost every single one of my friends, and have yet to make a new one . At least meetup means I can have a bit of a social life.

lostinrates

Although I don't feel ''lonely'' I do sometimes wish I had more friends to ''knock about with'' on weekdays. DH works away weekdays and like you OP, my friends are some distance away, the nearest ''real'' friend is a 40 min drive away. also, I do't work, and often feel under stimulated because of that.

I have let a lot go because our temporary arrangements dragged out, but we are moving to an area where I will need to make more effort to get to know people. My plan is to join a yoga class in the next village, and to try and find an evening class (although there seems to be a dearth of them in the area). I love my husband dearly, but even if we wer together all day everyday I think I want to develop my social life more again.

Good luck OP, real friends you can't find when looking on purpose, IMO, but perhaps if we make an effort to get to know more people some of them will turn out to be that rare thing?

Paisley_3

Thanks guys, I do think maybe my health is making me extra miserable! I just feel in a strange place - miles from my few friends, with no real evening activities (I do live in an apartment with hubby, but miles from anywhere, there's a pub a 20 min drive away but it's a chain type and not really a local make friends type.) I will have to get us motivated and out there, but he's not the ballroom dancing type! I will look into walking groups etc.

I think, though, really, that I do enjoy my own company, this is borne from not really having a strong bond with friends since 2002. I am very close to hubby but it'd be nice to have a sister-type friend. I watch the TV show friends and I think how sad am I, no-one does anything nice for me and I don't get the chance to make someone else feel special too as I'd love to do (if that in itself doesn't sound sad!!)

I think we might arrange a party, something informal and invite our work friends, neighbours etc. I have always been really scared to do this in case I end up in my lounge with about four people feeling like an idiot but I guess I'll never know until I go for it. Ironically I am an office manager and very outgoing at work, whenever there is a work event I'm always in the thick of it but I worry that people only pretend to like me because they have to. Maybe it's a self esteem thing.

I just think, you know, how come this girl who was so awful to me is pregnant and happy with hundreds of mates. What happened to Karma. I love my husband, he is my best friend and he is a blessing, and I am very independent too, but how come this girl, who tried to ruin my life, is so blessed in hers? I know there's no sense in bitterness and jealousy and anger and I am trying to let go but it's tough.

Sigh, I should stop being so flipping selfish, this is hardly a problem compared with what some people go through. Anyway, thankyou for all your kind words, they mean a lot