Is My Marriage Over?

threeteensathome

HI everyone, sorry for the long post.
I'm a regular poster but have changed my ID for reasons which might become apparent later on. This isn't a moneysaving query but I know that lots of you give good advice so am hoping you can let me know what you think.
Ok, bit of background - DH and I have been together since we were at school, married 20 years now and are both in our early 40s. 3 teenage children, the eldest of whom will be going to Uni (results permitting) this year (although hopefully staying at home).
Until about 2 and a half years ago, our marriage was great. Not perfect, no-ones is, but probably as near as it gets. Then gradually we were having problems in the bedroom, DH started to struggle to maintain and eventually start an erection, and so we were having sex less and less. He went to the doctor initially who said he would need blood tests to check his testosterone levels, but he never made the appointment with the nurse. When I offered to make it for him he just shouted that he would do it. He's not needlephobic or anything.
Over time we have become less close physically, we felt more and more awkward with each other as the impotence carried on, and I confess that I stopped even trying a couple of months back as each time I was feeling more and more rejected and my self-confidence is now at an all-time low.
We have now gotten to the stage that we have minimal physical contact, barely a hug or more than a peck on the lips on the way out the door, and it's really getting me down. Any time I try to talk about it, DH either makes it into a joke or gets all hurt and defensive, neither of which are very constructive. Now DH has begun sleeping on the couch "so his snoring doesn't keep me awake" - now he does snore, but I've never complained about it, I know he can't help it. Anyway, last night he did come up to bed, about 2 hours after I did, I wakened and tried to touch him but he just turned his back on me to go to sleep.
If you asked anyone about us, they would say we had a great relationship, and apart from this we do - we still have a laugh together, have no more money worries than the average family these days, no debts apart from the mortgage, we run our own business which is slower than usual this year but still ticking over and of course there are our 3 children whom we both love more than anything and who don't give us any real worries, for teenagers they are pretty good!
But it is slowly dawning on me that the marriage might in fact be over; I still love my husband very much and am IN love with him too, and absolutely don't want to finish or be with anyone else (the mere thought gives me the shivers) but I'm at a loss as to what to do - do I go on until he might decide enough is enough, or do I bite the bullet and risk hearing something I so desperately never want to hear, or do I just accept that, at 41, our sex life is over?
Anyone with any thoughts please reply, I feel very alone right now.

diable

Nah its not over, but blokes being blokes he won't admit he has a problem and to do something about it, he could also have slipped into depression without knowing about it.

He does need to see someone so they can help him understand and accept that he has a problem and that something can be done about it with the correct help.

How to get him to do this is another matter.

metoo2_2

I'm in almost exactly the same situation, except premature ejaculation is the cause of our problems. My husband has reacted in exactly the same way yours has except it's worse because he pretty much treats me like I'm the enemy these days.

Our problems have been going on for years and at first he refused to accept there was a problem so I never mentioned it again and never ever made him feel awkward about it. Our sex life suffered and became very infrequent and it got to the point where that sex was just downright bad for both of us so he withdrew from me and now there is no intimacy, no hugs, not even a kind word. He avoids having anything to do with me and it hurts. I posted on another site to get some male input and they all pretty much said the same thing, sexual performance is a big thing for men and if they can't do it for whatever reason, it takes away their self esteem and self confidence. I don't completely understand it tbh but I can accept it's just different for men and it's part of what makes them a man in their eyes.

I'm not the most confident person in bed myself but I made a huge effort to take control of the situation and made it clear there was no pressure, he didn't have to do anything other than lie back. I obviously dont want to go into detail but all the emphasis was on his feelings and his pleasure. I thought if he felt less pressured about performing then it might ease things. The trouble was, whilst he was happy enough to let me do all that, he was still treating me like the enemy outside the bedroom and was making no effort to help us at all. He would rather we split up than go and seek help anywhere else. I've given up now, we sleep on our own side of the bed, we talk about what's for tea and what the kids did at school and that's it. I know if I force the situation, he'll leave. It's probably only a matter of time anyway.

If you and your husband are still able to talk to each other then you need to sit him down and talk to him. He needs to understand this is only a problem because he's making it one and it can be made better with just a little bit of effort.

I hope you manage to make things better.

C_Mababejive

With regard to the OP..i think this has less to do with "plumbing" and more to do with relationship and mental health issues.

I wonder what sort of work OH does? Is he heavily stressed? Could he have slipped into a fugue of depression? Could he be assessing his life and deciding whether he has been/is successful? in essence..is he happy in himself? Clearly not.

At such times ..men do retreat to their caves.

Sometimes they come out and so does the Sun.

Other times they come out and wander off over the hill in search of something.....

There is another possibility that he has had a dalliance but it might be too early to say yet.

C_Mababejive

With regard to post no 3....i dont agree that with men its all about performance.

Any man that has a spark of intelligence would appreciate that it isnt all about hammering away expecting appreciative noises as seen in certain films.


It isnt a blame game and so this isnt meant to seem like blame.

What YOU need to do is work on your own self esteem and confidence issues. Build your own life,boost your social life,get fit,get trim,dress well look good,look sexy...pretty soon he will start to take notice.

Dont approach him...tease and tantalise from afar.

A man can only take so much.

gonzo127

Hey well I hope I can help although I am only a bloke so maybe not…

Anyways I think you have been given some good advice above, I think currently he could have become depressed, which will be making the problem worse, as not only does depression effect that area of your life, not being able to do it will make the depression worse as it will probably be making him feel like more of a failure.

Now although above has stated any man with a spark of intelligence will know it’s not all about ‘hammering away’. knowing something intelligently and ‘feeling’ that it is right are entirely different things, especially when you consider the world and society bombards ‘us’ with the fact that it is one the most important thing in a relationship.

Taking it down to playground mentality it’s a case of ‘if you cant satisfy your women you cant call yourself a man’ – I am not saying this is right its just a overly simplified version of what gets put across to us men, just look at 2 and a half men on TV, Charlie is the atypical ‘MAN’ use and lose women, women falling over him all about sex and performance etc, his brother (who in my mind is more likely to be a ‘normal’ man) is the laughing stock of the show, this is replicated all over society and does tend to make us get rather defensive when these type of subjects come up

This is a very deep routed problem even when you know about it and know its there it is pretty much impossible to fully get rid of as it starts with us from a very early age (think about how women are attacked about weight and beauty and convert that to sexual performance) as all the wonderful secondary school jibes and offhand comments of friends or ex girlfriends comments or rumours designed to hurt they do all stick with you (or maybe its just me) yes you get on with life and 99% of the time they never come to the front of your mind so are not a issue but if they do come back at the wrong time it can be crushing to your self confidence, I am fortunate so far as I have always ‘bounced back’ whenever I have had a issue but I can fully understand what could happen to someone with less self confidence than myself (I already know I am fantastic )

Just a question, do you know if he is able to/does pleasure himself? (Please just don’t go out and ask him as this could so very easily become an argument) If so the likelihood is that your current problems are more than likely psychological and not physical, which although will not make it any easier at least takes a obstacle out of the way – also if he is able to and does, does he watch any ‘adult material’ during, if so you might be able to be use this as a couple to help him at the start to get him ready to go, yes I understand it might not be your sort of thing but could help him get his confidence back

Have you had a look at the 40over40 website or whatever it is that’s advertised on TV? Might be worth while at least having a look, also you might be able to talk to your doctor about it to see if there is anything you can do to help him, or at least to get some professional information about the subject.

Once you have some more information about the subject might your husband be the sort of person who would respond to a letter left for him if you are unable to talk to him face to face about it? I know some men would react badly to this and others who would understand the reason for it, and since you know him best you can decide, however the big bonus with something like a letter would be that you could get all your fears worries and concerns out in the open without being ‘in his face’ about it, you can also put in some of the information you have found out about the problem and re-iterate that you love him and just want to help him feel happier – personally I would not recommend using the terms ‘back to the way we where’ or ‘more like you used to be’ as in some instances this can make someone feel even worse.

Anyways I do wish you the best of luck with this and really hope you can get a solution, really big hugs

Britwife

I don't think your marriage is over. This has got to be hard on his pride feeling like he isn't a man. Don't wait for him to give you a hug or a kiss, initiate it first....let him know that this problem won't come between you.

Tonight, go to the sofa and take him back to his bed and tell him this is where he belongs, snoring and all. Tell him you married him for better or for worse and that when he's ready to go to the doctor, you'll be there supporting him in whatever way he needs you. He should really get it checked just to make sure there are no serious problems causing it.

On the red cheeks side of things.....have you tried flavored lotions or toys or perhaps give him lip service? OMG, I can't believe I have asked you that.

Just be supportive and give him gentle pushes at getting it looked at.

hungs hun

metoo2_2

C_Mababejive wrote: »

With regard to post no 3....i dont agree that with men its all about performance.

Any man that has a spark of intelligence would appreciate that it isnt all about hammering away expecting appreciative noises as seen in certain films.


It isnt a blame game and so this isnt meant to seem like blame.

What YOU need to do is work on your own self esteem and confidence issues. Build your own life,boost your social life,get fit,get trim,dress well look good,look sexy...pretty soon he will start to take notice.

Dont approach him...tease and tantalise from afar.

A man can only take so much.

Sexual problems are deep rooted and cannot be fixed by being teased by a honey in a sexy dress.

I've done a lot of searching into these problems since my own started and with respect I don't think you fully appreciate the problems. I hope you don't think I'm being rude, I don't mean to be.

I do agree that building one's own self confidence is important, BUT if one partner is seen to be growing whilst the other is at rock bottom with sexual problems and self esteem issues, then that can cause a whole new set of problems in itself.

C_Mababejive

metoo2 wrote: »

Sexual problems are deep rooted and cannot be fixed by being teased by a honey in a sexy dress.

I've done a lot of searching into these problems since my own started and with respect I don't think you fully appreciate the problems. I hope you don't think I'm being rude, I don't mean to be.

I do agree that building one's own self confidence is important, BUT if one partner is seen to be growing whilst the other is at rock bottom with sexual problems and self esteem issues, then that can cause a whole new set of problems in itself.

I agree its a gamble but what do you do? remain a mousey frump living in your recalcitrant partners shadow and always wondering where you are or do you forge ahead and maybe just jolt him out of it?

At some point you have to be selfish and look after your own interests.

gonzo127

Britwife wrote: »

I don't think your marriage is over. This has got to be hard on his pride feeling like he isn't a man. Don't wait for him to give you a hug or a kiss, initiate it first....let him know that this problem won't come between you.

Tonight, go to the sofa and take him back to his bed and tell him this is where he belongs, snoring and all. Tell him you married him for better or for worse and that when he's ready to go to the doctor, you'll be there supporting him in whatever way he needs you. He should really get it checked just to make sure there are no serious problems causing it.

some very good advice there, however i would probably suggest to not 'go for the kill' stright away with this problem,

but initiating the hugs and kisses and bringing him back to bed telling him thats where he belongs and that you married him for better or worse would probably be a very good start

Janey3

I would'nt give up on your marriage just yet, 20 years is a long time and sometimes boredom and familiarity can creep in. Maybe he just needs a "kick-start". A nice evening for you both with some wine and soft adult material vid to watch together, could be all that's needed, with the kids out of the house.