Dealing with Separation Anxiety at a late age – leaving a child at pre-school

Felicity

Hi, I would really appreciate some advice.

My little boy has just suddenly developed what I assume to be separation anxiety. He has always been such an independent little chap, has attended nursery one day a week since the age of 9 months without incident and been happy to be away from me.

He started pre-school recently at the age of 2 ½ and now clings to me when he goes (2 mornings a week). He is still in nursery for a while too one day a week and also hates going there.

His bottom lip starts to quiver and he has a little break down (unheard of previously). When he wakes up in a morning he is really happy talking about going to pre-schol / nursery but then before or after getting in the car will start saying ‘no Mummy, later, not now ... etc’/

Last week the only way I could get him into the car to go to nursery was by promising him that I would stay with him until he was happy. I did stay with him for about 20 mins, initially him cuddling me, then a bit of distraction and we started playing with the other children together and he was happy. I explained to him that
I was going to leave and immediately he broke down again.

On this occasion I left him with the nursery teacher (who is he very comfortable with and knows well), he clung to her crying for about 5 mins before settling and playing.

Anyway my question really relates to trust. On one hand, I think probably the best thing to do would be grin and bear it, just hand him over and walk away. He will be safe and he will calm down quickly and enjoy himself. I will wait outside to ensure he is happy before leaving and if he is really traumatised I will return.

On the other hand, if you cant trust your Mummy at that age who can you trust. I don’t want him to think I am leaving / abandoning him.

I would love to hear other people opinions and thank you for reading, if you got this far.

BTW, I am a SAHM so have lots of time (not rushing to get to work etc) to deal with this in the best way for my son.

Becles

Have a chat with the staff and see what he's like when you leave. I bet after 5 seconds he stops crying and launches himself into play!

My eldest went through a phase like this and he was hanging on my leg and wailing "please don't leave me Mammy, don't leave me with these people" and stuff like that It was really hard but they told me to just firmly say "I'm leaving now and I'll be back later, goodbye" and just walk out and not look back. Apparantly seconds after I'd gone, he was fine although I felt really horrid doing it. I also used to say that he was going to have fun playing with the toys while I was at home doing the boring hoovering or ironing, so he didn't think he was missing out on anything at home.

My middle one was happiest being left with his favourite worker in the nursery. We used to find her and she'd give him a cuddle while I left and he settled best like that.

If you are going to hang around outside, make sure you are out of sight of the windows. I used to help out in the infants, and sometimes we had to deal with upset children who could still see their parents talking in the school yard ages after school had started and wanted to go out to them.

Felicity

Thank you for your fast reply.

I know that leaving him and exiting promptly is the best thing to do, in fact I have a plan with his teacher that she will be at the door to greet him (as she is the most familiar person to him) and will take over and I should go straight away.

I just worry about the trust issues, he trusts me absolutely and that is as it should be. I would hate him to feel abandoned in anyway (even for a few minutes). I guess I am just looking for reassurance really.

Oh, I used to feel really lucky last year when all the friends were going through this with their children and my little chap was fine being left.

southoftheriver

I guess the difference is that you are trying to reason this through with adult logic whereas with children (luckily) it does tend to be a phase.

I used to be a nursery nurse but also remember being a clingy child. Being firm but promising that you will come back is the best way to deal with it. Don't worry too much about trust, you have told him that you love him and that you are going but you will be coming back. That is a promise you can stick to and is more helpful than you realise. Some parents who are trying to make it easier sometimes make it harder by prolonging the goodbye. When my sister started primary school my mum sat with her for about three months, even though my sister had been to nursery for years!

If you have been told that he settles quite happily soon after you've gone then that is some comfort. Hard to believe, but it probably feels worse for you each day than it does for him in the long run.

backhoe

Totally agree with Becles. My 4 year old went through it and was fine once i'd gone and I'm now just waiting for the 2 1/2 year old to do it. They need to learn that mummy is coming back which may take a little time.

Yes it does feel awful when you leave if they are crying (i've walked out and cried my eyes out!) but it is for their own good and as long as they have a good keyworker to comfort them its usually forgotten in a few minutes.

Hope it goes well with him this week.

kegg_2

my youngest did the same every morning at preschool for the whole year he went.
Hard as it is i just handed him over telling him i would be back to collect him after story time ( the last activity of the session) and left. I would stnad outside the door and hear him cry but within 5 minutes he was off exploring the toys.
He is now 12 and well on the way to being an independant young man so i dont think he was damaged or my relationship with him was affected by leaving him.

MrsManda

Definitely check with the teacher - if he is perfectly fine after you've gone don't worry about it (though I know thats hard). My sister used to scream when left at school but within a minute or two of being left she was fine (occassionally me or my mum stayed to peak through the window to check) and she didn't want to leave at home time She was like this with everything - dance lessons, rainbows, the lot until she was 6 or 7. My aunt thought my mum was really cruel but the fact is whereas my cousins have never done anything by themselves and have no interests outside of what they had to do at school even though they're now in their late teens, my sister does dancing, drama, plays two instruments with two different bands and is in a choir, she goes out with her friends and is fiercely independent - though still likes a snuggle with her mum

LJM

it is hard for you as well as your child definately talk with the teacher,im terrible with my 2 i hate leaving them even now and they are now 9 and 6.my 6 year old always finds it hard going back to school after a holiday and i always find a bit of reassurance for her and me by talking to their teacher does help

ellay864

I agree with the other posts. Myeldest was fine to start with at his day nursery while I worked, then at around 2yrs old he started a little ritual of crying as soon as I went to hand him over. The staff assured me he was fine as soon as I'd gone and on the day I forgot to drop his sun hat in I had to pop back into the nursery literally within a minute of leaving him. He was charging round the room playing with other children with a huge smile on his face. the staff said to me that sometimes the ritual is almost the comfort in itself. My younger son didn't cry but flatly refused to let go of me unless I physically carried him in and handed over into the arms of one of the staff. Walking was never an option...until he moved up to the 'big room' at the age of 3 and suddenly decided only babies got carried lol
It really is the mum who 'suffers' in this, not the kids but I know how horrible it feels x

looby75

could it be that one of the other children is picking on him?

The only reason I ask is because my niece has been going to nursery 2 days a week since she was about 9 months old, she loved it and would happily trot off and play as soon as they arrived, then a couple of months ago (also 2 and a half) she started screaming and crying as soon as sis told her it was time to go to "school" it seemed to just come out of the blue and was very upsetting for not only my niece but her little sister too who also goes to the nursery.

Sis spoke to nieces keyworker about it and she was as puzzled as sis was about nieces sudden change and promised to keep an extra close eye on her. After a couple of days of this they noticed that one of the older children would always sis next to niece at snack time, at first they thought she was just being friendly to niece but she was infact pinching nieces snack and would poke her in the arm if she tried to tell anyone :mad:

Anyway it all got sorted out, niece isn't as keen as she used to be on nursery but she doesn't cry anymore and it's getting better as time goes by.

heretolearn_2

He will settle down very quickly. 5 minutes of clinginess to the nursery worker isn't much. They are very experienced with dealing with this sort of thing. It's just a phase and he will soon be fine, honest. He doesn't really feel abandoned by you!

Best to sort it now. My mum never left me anywhere. I went to nursery one day and never went back, for example, because I cried.

I was a nightmare when I started school. I went through the same stage only as a great 'big' 5 year old. It used to take 2 teachers to physically drag me off my mum at the gate and I would be carried screaming inside, where I would continue to scream and fight everyone. My mum sneaked back to check on me once and saw the teacher reading to all the other kids, all sitting round her beautifully, with me firmly tucked under one of her eyes screaming and crying and kicking and lashing out. It took several months for me to adjust to going and I think it was harder for me as I was older and not so easily distracted.

Seriously, get it sorted now once and for all!