Accompanying a spouse on business trip

Spirit_2

My husband works abroad a lot, and very occasionally I go with him. I pay all my own expenses with exception of a ‘share’ of the hotel accommodation.

I am an experienced traveller and most of the time I potter around on my own on these trips, and it is good for us that we can have a few hours together.

I am due to go away with him soon. He had an itinerary which included staying in a comfortable hotel in a central location.

The plan has changed and he will now be located in a basic hotel outside of the city. I have been quite unwell for some time, and cannot potter as I usually do- and want somewhere to rest during the day which is pleasant – the new hotel has no facilities at all beyond a restaurant so I would have to be ‘out’ – and will have to travel into the city.

He has to stay there as he will be amongst international associates. I have suggested paying and staying elsewhere – but it is a no go.

I have said that I do not want to go – I am disappointed and will lose flight costs etc, he has responded grumpily and I feel bad about it – but really do not want to find myself more worn out than I already am.

Am I being selfish or sensible?

Oldernotwiser

Spirit wrote: »

My husband works abroad a lot, and very occasionally I go with him. I pay all my own expenses with exception of a ‘share’ of the hotel accommodation.

I am an experienced traveller and most of the time I potter around on my own on these trips, and it is good for us that we can have a few hours together.

I am due to go away with him soon. He had an itinerary which included staying in a comfortable hotel in a central location.

The plan has changed and he will now be located in a basic hotel outside of the city. I have been quite unwell for some time, and cannot potter as I usually do- and want somewhere to rest during the day which is pleasant – the new hotel has no facilities at all beyond a restaurant so I would have to be ‘out’ – and will have to travel into the city.

He has to stay there as he will be amongst international associates. I have suggested paying and staying elsewhere – but it is a no go.

I have said that I do not want to go – I am disappointed and will lose flight costs etc, he has responded grumpily and I feel bad about it – but really do not want to find myself more worn out than I already am.

Am I being selfish or sensible?

Can't you just take books, music etc and relax in the room? How long are you there for?

babyshoes

Sounds like you are being sensible, however it is obviously a disappointment to your husband - I expect he enjoys having you with him on his trips!

Could you perhaps go for a shorter period if your return ticket is changeable? Most aren't, I know, but if you speak nicely to them and explain the situation (that you don't want to miss out but are not well enough now to go for the whole time) you might get someone sympathetic who will change it for free or a smaller charge.

Spirit_2

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Can't you just take books, music etc and relax in the room? How long are you there for?

6 days - I think I would be miserable confined to a room for this length of time - it is what I am concerned about. I had planned to read, swim, potter/site see a little and watch the world go by - most meals I will have alone.

Foggster

I wouldnt say you were being selfish but I do think you need to concentrate on the fact that My husband works abroad a lot, and very occasionally I go with him.

So first and foremost its about him and his business. My husband works away and if I didnt work I would love to accompany him on many of his trips but I would never try and persuade him to change his plans/location to suit me.

I think its best that you cancel your plans if you cant accommodate his arrangements.

Spirit_2

babyshoes wrote: »

Sounds like you are being sensible, however it is obviously a disappointment to your husband - I expect he enjoys having you with him on his trips!

Could you perhaps go for a shorter period if your return ticket is changeable? Most aren't, I know, but if you speak nicely to them and explain the situation (that you don't want to miss out but are not well enough now to go for the whole time) you might get someone sympathetic who will change it for free or a smaller charge.

It is a scheduled flight but I bought a non refundable ticket well in advance so I could travel on the same flights as him - downside of MSE!

BitterAndTwisted

Whereabouts in the world is this trip and how easy/difficult would it be to take a cab to somewhere nice and relaxing to spend the day-times when your husband is busy? No other hotels nearby with a pool/spa and loafing about facilities?

coolcait

Why is it a "no go" for you to pay and stay elsewhere?

Your husband will not be "amongst international associates" 24/7 after all. He is planning to spend some time with you, however limited - that's the reason why you intended to go along in the first place. Presumably it's also (at least part of) the reason why he's grumpy about you not being able to go after all.

It has been suggested that you could take a cab away from your hotel to somewhere you could relax. From what you have told us, I think that this is the kind of thing you would do under normal circumstances. But you have been unwell for some time and - probably not surprisingly - don't feel up to it this time round.

So why can't your husband stay with you in a centrally-located hotel which has facilities, and then take a taxi to the venue where he can be amongst international associates all day long? Then take a taxi back to your shared hotel afterwards, to spend time with you.

I'm not speaking entirely hypothetically here. I've been in the position where my OH accompanied me on a business trip where I was attending a conference in an out-of-town 'conference hotel'. We actually stayed in a more central location, and I travelled to and from the conference hotel each day. I met all of my work commitments and had some quality time with OH.

(All romance aside, it was worth the travelling time and extra expense just for the quality and variety of the meals we had because we were 'living' in the centre of the city. The lunches and snacks at the 'conference hotel' restaurant were abysmal!! And there were no alternative eating spots nearby :eek:).

On the face of it, it's a solution which could work for your situation - if you both have the will to make it work.

floss2

Spirit wrote: »

I am due to go away with him soon. He had an itinerary which included staying in a comfortable hotel in a central location.

The plan has changed and he will now be located in a basic hotel outside of the city. I have been quite unwell for some time, and cannot potter as I usually do- and want somewhere to rest during the day which is pleasant – the new hotel has no facilities at all beyond a restaurant so I would have to be ‘out’ – and will have to travel into the city.

He has to stay there as he will be amongst international associates. I have suggested paying and staying elsewhere – but it is a no go.

I have said that I do not want to go – I am disappointed and will lose flight costs etc, he has responded grumpily and I feel bad about it – but really do not want to find myself more worn out than I already am.

Am I being selfish or sensible?

Why not accept that your trip this time won't be as comfortable as you would like, and budget in your taxi / travel costs to get into the city to go & watch the world go by / visit the shops, galleries & museums etc. After all, if your husband was not travelling, you would not be going with him. Maybe he could meet you half way by upgrading your travel or arranging a spa-weekend or something to balance out the lower-comfort hotel?

coolcait wrote: »

So why can't your husband stay with you in a centrally-located hotel which has facilities, and then take a taxi to the venue where he can be amongst international associates all day long? Then take a taxi back to your shared hotel afterwards, to spend time with you.

It depepnds upon the itinerary - if it is a conference where there will be seminars, break-out groups, workshops throughout the day & evening, he will really need to be near that hotel. Also, if he is there on business, the clients may well be located on industrial areas away from town or city centres.

When I have accompanied my OH on business trips, either I have dropped him at his client's site and had the car to do what I want to do then collect him at the end of the day, or he has been city-centre based at a conference and I have been able to potter at my own pace.

belfastgirl23

I kind of think you're being sensible actually. Travelling around in a strange city can be stressful and difficult and it is a lot different than pottering about with everything on your doorstep. Sitting waiting for the key in the door is also stressful and difficult, and actually isn't fair to your DH as well although he probably can't see it now. He needs to be 'free' to pop off for a drink with a new contact and if you're depending on him to get back then that isn't a good situation.

If you've exhausted all available options then just sit him down and explain to him what you've said here. Also point out that you would be relying on him for company and that isn't fair to him. In your shoes, if at this point he really still strongly wanted me to come I'd bite the bullet on it though, but I don't have your health concerns and only you can decide this.

Can you tell I've been in this situation a lot of times?

Any

I completely understand why it is not possible for your OH to stay in different hotel.
Company wants him to stay there and create contacts, you don't mess with that.

I also completely understand why don't you want to be for 6 days locked in the room. The idea is ridiculous.

I think you are being very sensible. It is just no go. I think even he realises that. Obviously it is dissapointment for him, he is not going to jump up and down with joy that you are not coming, but I think he must realise that this is a no go.

Can't you be overreacting a bit with the guilt?