Divorce

Just_Coping

Thank you for the replies. This idea is something that initially came from me. I have just called to make a free 30 minute appointment with a solicitor and am waiting for the secretary to call me back. I'm feeling very scared at the moment and in my head I'm thinking that if I can just stay in the house and have some stuff remain the same (same school, friends still near etc.) it will be less traumatic for me and my daughter.

My daughter is his his step-daughter and although legally she is classed as a child of the family and he could be made to pay maintenance that is not something that I would want.

I am losing my husband and I know that I will lose my two step-children as they are grown up and won't be interested in seeing me. My daughter will lose her step-dad and her step-brother and step-sister. I can't cope with us losing our home too - even if I don't own it, it will be his house but my home.

I really do get what your saying and will write everything down to take to the solicitor and ask them what I am entitled to. I don't want to take him for every penny he's got - I want it to be fair.

I'm scared that if we sell the house and somehow split the money I won't be able to buy a house as I won't be able to get a mortgage and finding a house to rent that accepts children, pets (I've got a dog) and someone who is not working will be a nightmare. I could offer 6 months rent in advance I guess to maybe overcome the not working bit. If I have a lump sum then I would have to live off of that because I wouldn't be entitled to any benefits (I'm not saying that I should get benefits if I have a lump sum).

The equity in the house after debts are paid off if we don't disregard the £60k that he says is his mums money and allow £5k for selling the house and legal fees is £140,000. He wants the £60k taken out of the equation as he says that he wants to give it back to his mum (which I know he won't do) which means that we are looking at £80k to start with. So if I got 50% of that it's still £40k which is a lot of money and I feel like a right cow saying that I should have more than that. I hate talking about money I find it really embarrassing. He is also due to inherit from his mum and his ex-wifes mum - they are both very elderly. I feel like a cow now mentioning that. I just know that he'll be fine whatever - he's earning £45k pa has a brand new car, only needs to support/accommodate himself. I've got a nine year old daughter, a bicycle and a springer spaniel!

Just got the call back from solicitors and I've got a free 1/2 hour appointment at 11am tomorrow...

GC81

Hi, I'm just quoting some points and hopefully giving you some advice, support, whatever it may be. I dont want to come across as harsh or uncaring, thats not me at all.


I'm feeling very scared at the moment I can completely understand this, try to take care of yourself, you will get through this ok.
in my head I'm thinking that if I can just stay in the house and have some stuff remain the same (same school, friends still near etc.) it will be less traumatic for me and my daughter. This is something I really was frightened off, that my kids would hate me for moving out, but it was a decision I made, new start, no ghosts haunting the rooms. dd1 was 6 dd2 just under 2.

I am losing my husband and I know that I will lose my two step-children as they are grown up and won't be interested in seeing me. My daughter will lose her step-dad and her step-brother and step-sister. I can't cope with us losing our home too - even if I don't own it, it will be his house but my home. This is such an emotional statement but you may not end up having a choice, I felt sick that I had to leave a house I worked hard every day in to make it a home, but any house can be made a home in time.

I really do get what your saying and will write everything down to take to the solicitor and ask them what I am entitled to. I don't want to take him for every penny he's got - I want it to be fair. You dont have to devoid the man of his underwear and toothpaste, but try not to let your feelings prevent you from starting again, gathering savings, making a stronger financial future for you and your dd.

I'm scared that if we sell the house and somehow split the money I won't be able to buy a house as I won't be able to get a mortgage and finding a house to rent that accepts children, pets (I've got a dog) and someone who is not working will be a nightmare. I could offer 6 months rent in advance I guess to maybe overcome the not working bit. If I have a lump sum then I would have to live off of that because I wouldn't be entitled to any benefits (I'm not saying that I should get benefits if I have a lump sum). I had to accept that I'm very very unlikely to own my own property again. With my "pay-out" I managed to secure rent on a house (with my dad as gaurantor) they let me pay for a 6month term. I had to start again, all I took was the freezer and sofa. Most of my money was gone paying for things and starting up. I wasnt working, and I did my best to live but once the money dried up I went to the CAB and council for help, I had to prove my spending was for living and then after investigation I got help with rent, ctc, is and council tax reduction, its hard, it is, but sometimes its what life deals us. I've no real savings now though.


The equity in the house after debts are paid off if we don't disregard the £60k that he says is his mums money and allow £5k for selling the house and legal fees is £140,000. He wants the £60k taken out of the equation as he says that he wants to give it back to his mum (which I know he won't do) which means that we are looking at £80k to start with. So if I got 50% of that it's still £40k which is a lot of money and I feel like a right cow saying that I should have more than that. I hate talking about money I find it really embarrassing. He is also due to inherit from his mum and his ex-wifes mum - they are both very elderly. I feel like a cow now mentioning that. I just know that he'll be fine whatever - he's earning £45k pa has a brand new car, only needs to support/accommodate himself. I've got a nine year old daughter, a bicycle and a springer spaniel!
He will still be in such a better financial place than you if you do go for £40K, thats a starting point, your daughter, bicycle, springer spaniel and yourself have to become the main focus, be strong.

Just got the call back from solicitors and I've got a free 1/2 hour appointment at 11am tomorrow... Good luck I hope you can get some good advice which gives you some confidence.



I dont know if any of that will be of help, now this is the bit I've been worried to post and I will more than likely get slated and attacked for it but are you sure there is no infidelity going on, because thats a whole different story. Sorry to bring it up, a man thats been your husband for that long must have a very special place in your heart but its an aspect that could change so much.

Stay strong

neneromanova

You are not a cow with what you have just said. He is only thinking of himself in the long run and you need to think what is best for you and your daughter. I know you would Ideally want to live in the house, but even with paperwork signed, if he wanted out out of the house in say 5 yrs time he could make living there very unbearable for you.

But another way to stay in the house would be he carries on paying the house like he said he would till she is 18, then you both sell the house and split the equity then. Many couples who are splitting up do this. I would ask the solicitor about this You might be entitled to legal aid aswell. Ask this too which means you don't have to pay any money to the solicitor (i'm not sure when you do but they'll explain it)

daska

Does he have evidence that his mother loaned him the money, or did she really give him the money? Remember that his kids are grown up, he's in a much better financial position going forward before you even think about how to split the marital assets.

Just_Coping

My understanding of what happened with the £60k is that he has signed something that his mum gave him to sign (but doesn't really know what it was). I think that it was to say that when she died he would have £60k less than his sister to balance things out. I think it was also for traceability if she needed to go into care to show that she wasn't disposing of money to avoid paying her own care fees.

Meeting up with him in about 20 minutes. He said he has made a free 30 minute solicitors appointment too and went on to say that he thought that what we discussed last night is a brilliant idea. I said that I didn't think that it would work as it wasn't very secure for me.

I'll have to see what happens when we speak today and what the solicitor suggests tomorrow.

missprice

daska wrote: »

Does he have evidence that his mother loaned him the money, or did she really give him the money? Remember that his kids are grown up, he's in a much better financial position going forward before you even think about how to split the marital assets.

is there some legal document that states his mother must have the money back?
if its not a dedt then it does not count
my thinking is that he will try to get the 60k out of the equation then just keep it.
he is earning money and wont be paying CM so he is better off already
the house is nearly paid for and the mortgage must be peanuts by now, so he is better off
where will he be if you stay in the house? renting or buying? better off if he is buying.
all in all he seems to be much better off than you
dont take him to the cleaners but you still need whats yours
so half the house and his pension
and you can try to keep it nice but dont hold your breath my dear, i have seen it all go to pot so quickly when divorce is mentioned
i too was really good to my ex hubby
me and the kids had to find somewhere else to live pretty quick and they were like 1 and 2 years old back then (teens now)
the stress!!

think about you and your child and the dog and the bike
you need to live somewhere and ya cant do that without money

neneromanova

just don't sign anything or agree to anything when you see him until you have spoken to your own solicitor.

NAR

But £40k isn't really a lot of money. You need to have a home for your child and yourself and money for both your futures. I think your solicitor might say the mother's £60k is his problem, which may bring your share up to £70k. This should be your starting point.

As I said earlier you are also entitled to a share of any savings, investments, pension etc. Your solicitor should ask about these so any info you can provide will be helpful.

His salary will allow him to resume his lifestyle. A judge will certainly take that into consideration; your employment options are somewhat restricted because of the age of your daughter.

I think you will be in for a pleasant suprise following your solicitor's meeting tomorrow. Good luck.

belfastgirl23

If the house equity is roughly a 50/50 split then I'm struggling with understanding why you would be handing £30k over to his mum to repay the settlement from his first marriage. Which is effectively what you'd be doing in his £60k scenario. Is it some kind of strange reverse dowry situation ?

I really think you're letting the emotional ties to the house cloud your judgement. And I'm saying that as someone who is very sentimental about space myself. I do usually feel it's important to keep the kids in the same space in these sorts of situations but I think you would be long term really disadvantaging yourself both emotionally and financially in order to do this. Can you try to set aside the emotional attachment and think practically about what you need to set up again? I do really appreciate how hard this is though!

And just to add, one scenario you haven't considered is what happens if YOU meet someone else?? Just saying!

It's a horrible position to be in, but my guess alongside other people here is that he has already met someone else. You need to make sure that you do your absolute best for you and your daughter now because once that relationship takes root, his priorities will change. Houses can be sold but money can't be taken back.

Lots of luck!

katglasgow

I absolutely agree with the last post. The entire equity should be split 50/50 first and his mothers repayment taken out of his half, or he can choose to defer for his inheritance.
You must remember as well that he probably has a pretty good pension and if you have not been working, you dont have this and it will be harder for you to acheive this too. While you have been his wife you have been supporting him and helping him to achieve this, so don't asume you are not entitled to anything, you have already said yorself that his most recent change of job meant that you had to give up your job.