We're aware that some users are experiencing technical issues which the team are working to resolve. See the Community Noticeboard for more info. Thank you for your patience.
📨 Have you signed up to the Forum's new Email Digest yet? Get a selection of trending threads sent straight to your inbox daily, weekly or monthly!

Divorce

Options
Just_Coping
Just_Coping Posts: 4 Newbie
edited 27 April 2010 at 10:13AM in Marriage, relationships & families
(Firstly, I am a regular poster on the forums here (not usually this board though) and I'm posting under a different user name because I use that user name for lots of things and don't really want anyone I know in real life reading this...)

After a very troubled month of me doing everything I can to save my marriage and my husband not trying we went to our first counseling session together yesterday (we had both been going separately) and my husband told me that he doesn't love me and hasn't for a while now and that there is no way forward - it's the end.

I kind of knew that it was coming but was burying my head in the sand and thinking that if I tried harder we would work things out. So I guess that this outcome is not what I wanted but is in fact what we both needed.

So we're talking divorce/money etc. Based on the fact that my husband has know that is what he wants for a while he is further ahead than me 'in his head' and I'm up and down. I'm actually rather impressed with how well I've coped and I'm only a blubbering wreck occasionally and not for the majority of the time :T

We are agreed that we would like to do the actual divorce bit without solicitors as it's loads cheaper and is not going to be contested. I have picked up the forms from the court and know about the fees (£300 plus £40).

The money stuff has been a bit more difficult but last night we discussed an option that we both felt quite comfortable with (this may well change once we look into it further as I'm sure that there are many pitfalls that we haven't yet thought of.

My husband has a 19 year old who is in the forces and a 17 year old daughter who lives abroad with her mother (his first wife). I have a nine year old daughter and my husband has essentially been her father for the last eight years.

This is the plan that we came up with last night - I have no idea if it legally possible to do it or not, it's just a possible option.

We get divorced. My husband gets the house but something is drawn up that allows me and my daughter to live in the house until she turns eighteen at which point my husband can do whatever he wants with the house - he could sell it, live in it or I could rent it from him. During that time I can get a job (I'm not working at the moment) and as I wouldn't have rent to pay I would be able to save up my own money for whatever I do when my daughter reaches eighteen. I would pay all the bills. There is only about 18 months left on the mortgage and my husband would pay that and then own the house outright and have a house that may go up in value over the next 8 years.

We're looking at it in the way that instead of getting a lump sum I would actually be getting that money by saving on not having to pay rent. It would also mean that there would be less upheaval for my daughter.

Issues that we have thought of:-

If my husband dies - something is drawn up that states that the house would be sold and £xxx (a figure to reflect the amount that I would have saved in rent each month) is multiplied by the number of months between his death and my daughters 18th birthday) then the rest is split between his two children. It's so horrible talking/thinking about this stuff!

If I die - same calculation is made as above and that amount of money is given to my daughter (either my husband can sell the house or remortgage or something else to be able to do this).

Repairs etc. - not sure about who would be responsible for that.

Benefits - at the moment my husband has a very well paid job but if something happened like he got made redundant - would he then not be entitled to benefits as he owns a property or is it different if the above arrangements are made legal through a financial order (is that what it's called?) and is related to the ending of a marriage?

New relationships - if he met someone else and wanted to buy a house with her then all of his capital is tied up in this house, but he could get another mortgage or remortgage this property and put the cash into new house. (Just realised that if he remortgaged the property he could default and then the house would be repossessed and I'd be homeless!)

Even as I'm typing this I'm realising that no solicitor is going to agree to do this are they? It seemed like such a good idea yesterday and this morning...

There is also the fact that maybe it is just not healthy to keep a link.

We did try to talk about selling up and splitting the equity in some way or another but we strongly disagree on this. When he divorced his first wife her settlement was £60k which his mother paid. He says that this £60k should be taken off of the equity as his mother paid it (she didn't pay anything into the house she paid it to his solicitor who paid it to his first wife's solicitor who paid it to his first wife). So we can't even agree on the amount that we would be splitting let alone how to actually split it!

I just really want to be able to come to some amicable agreement without it resorting to solicitors making themselves loads of money by sending letter for everything.

I'm really hurting right now (tears starting again now)...I just don't know what is the right thing to do.

I'm spending today working out what benefits I might be entitled to and looking for jobs and tonight I have to tell my daughter as he is leaving the house tomorrow. I so badly don't want to have that conversation with my daughter...I know that I have to keep it together and be strong for her but right now I feel so weak...
«13

Comments

  • Oh god this is awful. Sending loads of hugs and I am crying here for you.

    You need a solicitor, even if you get free half hour advice of a few different ones. It sounds complicated and you could lose out big style.


    Did he own the house when you met him? Have you contributed?

    I'm going to stick my neck out now and say that not many men arrive at decisions like this so "neatly" unless they have got someone else already.
    You need some protection against all that.

    Somebody like a solicitor needs to work out exactly what your share is and the best way to get it or protect it.
    The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  • neneromanova
    neneromanova Posts: 3,051 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Photogenic Combo Breaker
    are both your names on the mortgage?
    What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine..
  • He had a house when we met and when that was sold the money in it went towards the house that we are in now. I didn't bring anything into the relationship and he has contributed more than me in the time that we have been together. I have always worked until last summer when his job changed and I was no longer able to work evening/weekends.

    The house is in his name and the mortgage is in his name.
  • mackemdave
    mackemdave Posts: 769 Forumite
    Your hubby must be laughing his socks off at this deal...Think again...in your position you would get well over 50% of the equity in the house also he would have to pay child maintenance and possibly spousal maintenace...are there any other assets in the marriage?

    Im not normally one to advise getting solicitors involved but do go along to a 30 min free session at a local one to get some advice.You are going to need to involve one at some stage to draw up the consent order.Agree with doing the divorce yourself..I did mine and as you say it only cost £340.
  • daska
    daska Posts: 6,212 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    I'm with border collie, that's a very neat solution he's come up with in a short space of time. Get thee to a solicitor and get some proper advice before you agree to anything. And, to be blunt, is he such a coward that he can't have the conversation with your daughter?
    Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants - Michael Pollan
    48 down, 22 to go
    Low carb, low oxalate Primal + dairy
    From size 24 to 16 and now stuck...
  • Bufger
    Bufger Posts: 1,857 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker Debt-free and Proud!
    With this deal he's protecting his assets. You're entitled to more than that if you've been living together for 8 years and you have been contributing. Its likely to go 50-50 if you ask me. If you go down your route you'll probably be able to save what - 20k? and thats if he doesnt chuck you out because you've left a hole in the plan - or he may just make your life hell. I would guess your share in the equity will be more than 20k and once the break is done its clean and legal and wont ever get messy again.
    MFW - <£90k
    All other debts cleared thanks to the knowledge gained from this wonderful website and its users!
  • daska
    daska Posts: 6,212 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    mackemdave wrote: »
    Your hubby must be laughing his socks off at this deal...Think again...in your position you would get well over 50% of the equity in the house also he would have to pay child maintenance and possibly spousal maintenace...are there any other assets in the marriage?

    Sounds as if it's his step-daughter, is maintenance still payable?
    Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants - Michael Pollan
    48 down, 22 to go
    Low carb, low oxalate Primal + dairy
    From size 24 to 16 and now stuck...
  • NAR
    NAR Posts: 4,864 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Have to agree with mackemdave, this sounds like a very poor deal for you -not a bit of wonder he doesn't want solicitors involved. There are women who are determined to take their ex's for every penny they can get; you seem to be at the opposite end of the spectrum. By the sounds of his financial situation you are entitled to a much better financial settlement, especially if he has savings, pension etc which would all be included in the calculations.
    I know you are not keen, but you really do need the advice of a good divorce solicitor.
  • neneromanova
    neneromanova Posts: 3,051 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Photogenic Combo Breaker
    What happens if you never get a job again? That means you can't save anything doesn't it, which means when your DD turns 18, you will have hardly any money saved and you'll then be kicked out and expected to fend for yourself. I would definately go get some advice from a solicitor. One of those free 30 min ones should be more than enough.

    Write down the main things you want to say before you go so you don't forget anything. the main things being written down of houw much would you be entitled to.

    He's more than likely sort legal advice for himself and the solicitor has said something he doesn't like so that's why he's saying keep it between yourself.
    What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine..
  • GC81
    GC81 Posts: 156 Forumite
    I feel for you, its such a difficult time (((hugs)))

    Firstly, from my experience, the kind of deal you are thinking of making rarely works. People move on, change, get new partners, this all complicates situations and hardly ever continues to work.

    I echo the advice to get some professional advice. I handled my divorce alone, and I do believed I screwed myself out of alot by just being too nice and thinking that I was being amicable, I wasnt, I have realised, I've been walked all over. (but thats another story) I may sound bitter but look after yourself and your daughter or in a while you could well be left with nothing.

    I dont think he would have to pay CM due to being a step father not biological, though I'm not 100% sure on that.

    I worked out equity on the "marital home" and said I wanted 50% of that, plus CM. I'd then have no financial claim or responsiblity to the house (mortgage etc) It wasnt alot and I've struggled with no personal savings and a mum of 2, but after it was sorted I am free (as such) its given me no ties (apart from the children) but I mean new partner, space to do what I like, no feeling of being "shadowed" by still being in "his" house.

    I babbling, my main point, fight, doesnt need to be nasty but dont be a pushover, get that advice.

    Finally, good luck, you'll have some bad/down days during this but you will get through, you will.
This discussion has been closed.
Meet your Ambassadors

🚀 Getting Started

Hi new member!

Our Getting Started Guide will help you get the most out of the Forum

Categories

  • All Categories
  • 351K Banking & Borrowing
  • 253.1K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
  • 453.6K Spending & Discounts
  • 244K Work, Benefits & Business
  • 598.9K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
  • 176.9K Life & Family
  • 257.3K Travel & Transport
  • 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
  • 16.1K Discuss & Feedback
  • 37.6K Read-Only Boards

Is this how you want to be seen?

We see you are using a default avatar. It takes only a few seconds to pick a picture.