Advice needed with the facts but no emotions

Lara44

Sugarhunny1 wrote: »

I have shouted down the phone at him and then threw his stuff in a black bag and threw it out for him to collect so havent actually spoken to him about it face to face. I am just so angry, hurt and feeling REALLY devastated.

Try to keep calm, you're never going to truly get to the bottom of the situation like this - sitting down and honestly talking together would be the best thing to do. Think about if you want to keep this relationship? Does he? It's going to take some more exploration to get inside his head.

Honestly think about why he may not have told you. Of course one answer would be that they have been having some sort of inappropriate relationship. But, if he had told you about the friendship earlier, how would you have reacted? If you would have been angry about it then perhaps he didn't mention it for an easy life. This is not to excuse him, but to try to explain how this situation arose. The guarantor thing you really need him to tell you all the details (although I agree it's also about the principle of the thing). But for me it would be a lot easier to understand (and then forgive) guaranteeing a loan to a friend of £1000 to get a new flat they desperately needed than a £100,000 loan for a hare-brained scheme!

Good luck and hugs.

[Deleted User]

Obviously its going to take a long while to rebuild trust between u if the relationship survives. As u are married, and so legally any financial obligations in his name are going to be shared by you.., he was risking your financial security too. I think it needs to be made very clear that he had no right to guarantee this loan without involving u in the decision. A possible no from you in answer to his request to guarantee his friend's loan would have been far less bad, than the loss of trust him guaranteeing the loan without even mentioning his friendship and the loan guarantee was ABSOLUTELY guaranteed to cause. It displays a certain lack of maturity I think. And yes, it will put your relationship at risk, because u are suddenly looking at a man u thought u knew very well with different eyes.

I'd advise u to take a couple of days to clear the air, no sudden decisions, then talk with him. U need to find out not only about the friendship.., but also how much the loan was for, why she needed a guarantor (i.e. past credit history so u can assess the risk to your financial standing).

I hope this helps. Utmost sympathy for you.

heretolearn_2

No advice other than what has already been said really,

1) Why did he keep their friendship a secret? Normal couples can have friends of the opposite sex quite openly. Two possibilities: there's something dodgy going on here, or, you are a very jealous sort of person and he knew that even an innocent friendship would cause a ruckus, so he kept shtumm for a quiet life. You know in your heart if the latter is true about you. If not, you need to find out WHY he wasn't able to tell you about her.
2) Guaranteeing a loan and jeapordises both your financial futures and should not have been done in secret. Yes, there is a difference between guaranteeing a £3k loan for a car, and a big loan for a house/business/whatever. But the principle is the same.

You need to calm down and discuss it with him. Why did he act this way? Do you believe his reasons? How will he handle this type of situation in future?

Then you can work out whether your own behaviour/personality had an effect on why he did this, or if he just an immature idiot, or if he is having an affair.

brians_daughter

sorry, gut instinct tells me theres either

a. More to this than he is letting on.
b. He is stupid. - doubt that or you wouldnt be with him
c. He has lots of money and can pay the loan if the friend defaults so he is being very generous, and simply didnt take your feelings into account - still wrong

If it was me he would have to have a bloody good explaination or i would be telling him to take his bin bags to the house he has been guarantor on the loan for.

One thing to point out is that if the friend needed a guarantor for a loan what are their chances of actually getting a mortgage? A lender will usually not allow a loan from a bank to be used as a deposit. when they re check their credit file and see the new loan the amount they are willing to lend may well be reduced, or offer retracted. ie if agreement in principal was £100k and the loan is for 10k the bank may well reduce the amount they are willing to lend by the amount of the debt.

You need to sit down and talk about this, try and stay calm.

You say its a friendship from a previous job..do you know/met this woman?
It just seems strange. Obviously she is either that someone he hasnt had much contact with for the time you have been together (so why risk being lumbered with ££s of someone elses debt) , or he has been hiding her from you (but WHY?)

I really dont know what else to say to you but *hugs* and be strong- you need answers, i hope you get them ASAP

belfastgirl23

Well to start with I would definitely be upset, this is sort of a big thing and the fact that he's keeping it secret would worry me.

That said I would also be thinking about the relationship. Is it true that you would have refused to consider it out of hand if he had spoken to you about it? Sometimes our reactions cause the situation of someone lying as well. Overall is he feeling very disempowered in the relationship? Did you sort out paying all of the debts without him really getting on board at any time?

These are just questions, don't take anything personally because it's entirely possible I'm barking up the wrong tree. I just think it's always worth looking at those types of accusations in the cold hard light of day to see whether they might have any foundation to them. Someone once said to me 'you're making a liar of me' and I understood what they meant, they were doing something they felt was right but couldn't tell me about it because they knew I would react badly. It's worth thinking about.

Could you try to have a conversation with him where you explain to him how all of this is making you feel? It is easy to debate moral rights and wrongs and for both of you to end up feeling you are in the right - but it doesn't resolve anything.

BTW I think taking the emotion out of it is completely the wrong thing to do. I don't think anyone can objectively say he shouldn't have been guarantor for her, but what we can say is that being upset about not being told about it is a totally understandable reaction.

Batchy

Lets just make sure you know the full facts first...

He has guaranteed an unsecured loan?

Or, he has guaranteed the mortgage (ie secured on the house), ie house as collateral?

The two are very different, and my reaction would be very different.

it its the first one, then thats not good, I would want to see the money being paid, where is it coming from, from your partners, or from his friends account.

If its your partners I would have trust issues, if there wasn't a corresponding credit to contra against it. As effectively he is paying it for her. Then you have to ask WHY?

if its the second then its not so bad, just naughty and not very open about what he's doing and the reasons why!

tanmu

personally, I think your OH should have consulted you before making ANY major financial decisions. I also think that there is a problem if he is putting someone else's needs above yours or that of his family. Who is this 'friend' that he would prefer to help them and deceive you? Would he have told you if you hadn't have found out for yourself? I'm sorry if this all sounds a bit harsh, but I would be demanding answers.....

brians_daughter

Batchy wrote: »

Lets just make sure you know the full facts first...

He has guaranteed an unsecured loan?

Or, he has guaranteed the mortgage (ie secured on the house), ie house as collateral?

The two are very different, and my reaction would be very different.

it its the first one, then thats not good, I would want to see the money being paid, where is it coming from, from your partners, or from his friends account.

If its your partners I would have trust issues, if there wasn't a corresponding credit to contra against it. As effectively he is paying it for her. Then you have to ask WHY?

if its the second then its not so bad, just naughty and not very open about what he's doing and the reasons why!

OP says loan to help get mortgage and that funds have already gone to his mate. SO it must be a loan. I understand it as a loan to maybe act as deposit- OP can you let us know? TBH in my opinion it wouldnt matter what it was for and for how much. If my oh decided to 'help' someone by signing for someone elses debt and didnt inform me the end result would still be the same

Pee

I would be upset and angry if the friend was male or female. Of course if the friend was female I'd go into jealousy overdrive.

I do have male friends that I would want to help and might stand guarantor for a £3,000 loan for them. I wouldn't, for obvious reasons, want to be a guarantor on their mortgage. However these friends my boyfriend would be fully aware of and I would tell him what I was doing. I have to say, I don't think he would like it and we might have words and he is very easy going and we are in a relationship where we are both financially independent and both value that. For instance he often lends his friends money which annoys me slightly as he isn't a bank but he can do that, it is always small amounts and it is always paid back and so logically I have no argument.

Who did most of your debt belong to?

If it was joint, I don't read in any hidden meaning. If it was his, do you think he is rubbish with money and has no understanding of it and is repeating past mistakes?
If it was yours, then clearly he likes rescuing people and you are now seeing the downside of a generous and caring nature. (Still the sort of character I look for in a man.)

mrcow

I'm shocked that someone would do this.

What on Earth was he thinking? - there is no way that this is a normal "friendship" - if it was, he wouldn't have hidden it - and she wouldn't have approached him on the loan - she would have approached you both.

You do realise that he could have put your house at risk don't you? If she does a runner, then he has to pay the money himself, and they often ask for the guarantee to be secured against property.

Who is the lender?