Advice needed with the facts but no emotions

Sugarhunny1

Morning everyone,

I have a problem and would like everyone's view on it. I have tried to omit any emotions as this is irrelevant as I would like YOUR thoughts on this.....

• Partner of 7 years hid a friendship that he had from prior job
• He hid that he had been approached by friend to stand as a guarantor for a loan that would help towards getting her a mortgage
• I found out by opening a letter (you could see in the window of letter and it mentioned this loan)
• We have only recently paid off most of our debt and as you can see from my sig bought a house together and are trying to pay this off.

What would you do?????

Sugar xxx

JoJoB

Has he actually signed as guarantor yet? If not, good - he really really mustn't! As you say, you have just got out of debt yourselves and shouldn't put yourselves in this position of risk.

As to what do you do - you mean about the relationship and trust issues? I know you want to keep emotions out of it but probably that is going to be impossible, and maybe even counter-productive. What you feel is just as important as what you think. Particularly if this "friend" is female and if there has been a problematic history with said friend.

Buddingblonde

I think while you have edited down your problem - you are not giving us much to go on.

Friendship or relationship? Has there been something going on with this person.

Guarentor for this woman or for someone else?

What does he say about it? Have you raised this with him.

What I woudl do would depend on what he says about the situation. If you havent raised it then it is something that you need to do to get the full story.

esmf73

You'll know the emotions that you're feeling inside. However if my husband hid a friendship I would ask why - and who it was with - are they sneaking off to meet? As for the finances - I'd be very uncomfortable with this indeed and it would probably start the mother of all rows in our house.

It sounds like you have underlying feelings that you're not mentioning - I'd go with those. I'd be out of the door and putting an end to this as my trust would be permanently erroded.

Sugarhunny1

JoJoB wrote: »

Has he actually signed as guarantor yet? If not, good - he really really mustn't! As you say, you have just got out of debt yourselves and shouldn't put yourselves in this position of risk.

As to what do you do - you mean about the relationship and trust issues? I know you want to keep emotions out of it but probably that is going to be impossible, and maybe even counter-productive. What you feel is just as important as what you think. Particularly if this "friend" is female and if there has been a problematic history with said friend.

He has signed this agreement already (i think) as funds have already been given to this friend.

Boozer

You say he hid the fact that he had been approcahed, but not wether he went ahead with it or not, if he did not and will not, then i do not see a problem with this, if he does go ahead and risk your future together then it is a huge problem.

Sugarhunny1

esmf73 wrote: »

You'll know the emotions that you're feeling inside. However if my husband hid a friendship I would ask why - and who it was with - are they sneaking off to meet? As for the finances - I'd be very uncomfortable with this indeed and it would probably start the mother of all rows in our house.

I'm sitting here trying not to cry ! (Hence the reason to keep emotions out of it). He (and she) have told me that there was no other relationship other than friendship but like you, I thought, "why didnt I know about her" Why did you not tell me? His reply? "you would have said No, and I wanted to help her"

It sounds like you have underlying feelings that you're not mentioning - I'd go with those. I'd be out of the door and putting an end to this as my trust would be permanently erroded.

I have three kids (not his) and 1 year ago, gave up my council flat to buy a house with this man. I feel as if I am stuck, my kids have had problems at school which are now getting sorted (nothing to do with home life) and I'm reluctant and scared about what the whole future holds.

Sugar

I've put comments above

Sugarhunny1

Buddingblonde wrote: »

I think while you have edited down your problem - you are not giving us much to go on.

Friendship or relationship? Has there been something going on with this person. I've been told that its just friendship

Guarentor for this woman or for someone else? Yes

What does he say about it? Have you raised this with him. See below

What I woudl do would depend on what he says about the situation. If you havent raised it then it is something that you need to do to get the full story.

Sorry, I seemed to miss your reponse.

I have been told that it is just a friendship, nothing more.

I have shouted down the phone at him and then threw his stuff in a black bag and threw it out for him to collect so havent actually spoken to him about it face to face. I am just so angry, hurt and feeling REALLY devastated.

Sugarhunny1

I have to go off to work now, think its the only thing thats keeping me sane. I'll be back later.

Thanks for all your responses so far!

Sugar xxx

jackieglasgow

A betrayal is a betrayal. He is putting your own life together at risk by
a) keeping secrets from you
b)keeping other relationships secret from you
c) not seeing that you have a right to know.
d) securing a 3rd parties debt.

Is he a millionaire that this would not matter to him? He oibviously knew he was doing wrong by you in doing right by his friend if he needed to keep it a secret.
I would have a sit down talk with him. If it is just friendship that's one thing, but why the need for secrecy for all these years? I can't think of any friends have had in my life that I would have done such a thing for, or asked to do this for.

Good luck

Boozer

Can you find out how much he would be in for if everything went totally wrong, is it a couple of grand for a small business venture or a hundred grand for something large, if it puts your house at risk then it is real trouble.