stay at home dads

bugsaboo

Hi all
Currently myself and DH both work 4 days a week, we have 2 DC age 5 and 3 who go to nursery and after school club 3 days a week. DH seriously hates his job and wants to quit and be a SAHD, then possible do some retraining. I would have to go back to work FT, which I'm not too thrilled about, but that's the only fly in the intment I think........
Financially we'll be fine, just back to being where we were a few months ago when the eldest started school.
I guess I want to know if anyone else has done this and has tips. both for me and DH. How will it be going back to work FT? what has other peoples experiences of SAHD-hood been? I'm worried people will think that I don't like my kids and that my huby is henpecked!
Ta all

[Deleted User]

I think it depends on how good you think your other half is with your children and whether he's got the self discipline to retrain and look after the children. Its not an easy choice. Why is he unhappy with his job? Is it a personality thing, or does he hate what he does?

Could he work and study.., or revamp his CV so he can look for another type of job that's connected with what he's presently doing but not exactly the same? Could he do some self employed work or sell things on ebay to help out with the finances (sometimes u can make more money doing this than working if you have the right skills).

Look closely at why he wants to do this, and see if there's another solution to making him happier that doesn't involve not working and fairly major changes in your lifestyle before you both make this kind of decision. Also make absolutely sure u can get/have a full time job first lol if u do decide to go ahead. In today's climate, I'd be a little cautious about voluntarily giving up a full time job if there was another way around any problems.

I know I am probably seeming a bit negative but I paid thousands for my OH to retrain to work in IT.., he barely finished the first module of the course before giving up (admittedly the course was very badly written).., and it turned out the course qualified him to do precisely nothing in the area he was interested in whatever the course brochure and salesman said. Be very careful.

bugsaboo

he hates his job and has for months. he already does most of the childcare and a lot of housework as I work long hours. TBH he's better at it than me anyway, I would rather not do housework unless the house is a pigsty, he likes it tidy!
I don't have any flexibility in my job, which makes it hard as I can't do any childcare pick ups etc. The upside is I earn good money. The downside is he would have to change to a different job near where we live and there aren't really any big employers apart from where he already works. I think he feels like this is the only solution?

smartpicture

You should also consider that if he's the SAHD and you split up, there's more chance of him keeping the kids while you pay maintenance and just see them at weekends. Although of course that's what most dads risk all the time.

[Deleted User]

If him being a SAHD enables u both to spend more time doing things u are more suited for, then it may be a brilliant idea. There is absolutely no shame in that.., personally i don't think there is anything that says there is a reason a woman should always stay at home and be mummy if Daddy can do it too. Plus it will allow u to spend more quality time with your children and enjoy them more.

However, if retraining is to be successful, I hope its for a career that will enable him to work from home on a self employed basis as I suspect the fact that his employer is the main employer in the area will remain unchanged, regardless of what he trains to do (assuming that the problem is with the employer's practices or something similiar). I hope there is a solution for the two of you.

Sublime_2

My brother-in-law is a stay at home dad. My sister has a good job, and it has always worked fine for them, and the children. My b-in-law always worked before.

Now they're both at school age, he is looking to get back into full time employment.

Hermia

I have two friends who have done this. One guy has been a SAHD since his daughter was born and she is starting school this year. The other one now has three adult children so he was a SAHD in the days when it was really uncommon! It has really worked brilliantly for both couples. Firstly, because both women were the higher earners and more career-orientated so they could never have been happy as full-time SAHMs. It also worked because both of the men did not derive their sense of self-esteem from their work or earning ability. It seems to have worked really brilliantly. The dads loved the experience and the kids are all very happy. My friend who has the little girl does a little bit of work from home and does a course via the local college, but it doesn't cost a fortune.

I think the things you have to consider are:

1) How you will feel at 'being daddy'. My friend's wife did find it quite unnerving at first that her daughter would immediately turn to daddy if she wanted a drink or had hurt herself. She is always loving and affectionate to her mum, but she is obviously now used to turning to dad if she needs something. I don't think either of the women I know have had too many problems with people being critical of them, but they are both feisty gals who don't care what people think!

2) Whether your DH will feel less of a man being a SAHD. My friend with the little girl does think you get some grief as a SAHD, although he doesn't care what people think of him so it's not really been a problem. He has had a few problems with cliquey mums ignoring him when he has taken his daughter to various groups. He has been stunned at how rude these mums were in making it obvious they didn't want a dad there, especially as he is a friendly chap.

euronorris

Does he understand how much work will be required of him at home? ie, does he think it will be all peaches and roses to be a SAHD.

I would just make sure first, before anything else, that he realises he won't get that much spare time to study whilst at home looking after the kids.

bugsaboo

Hi
Thanks all! I think the studying is going to come later when he knows more what he might want to do..... we were also thinking some kind of part time course would be a good way to make sure he wasn't just at home all day every day and get some kind of "adult" interaction. TBH that was more at my suggestion as I found mat leave difficult (not the babies but the lack of adult interaction that wasn't child related).... He doesn't get his self esteem from work so Hermia's post hasn't given me a lot of hope it can work OK. We don't know anyone else in this situation and it seems like a massive change, but I think I'm more concerned than him...

old_motters

bugsaboo wrote: »

Hi
Thanks all! I think the studying is going to come later when he knows more what he might want to do..... we were also thinking some kind of part time course would be a good way to make sure he wasn't just at home all day every day and get some kind of "adult" interaction. TBH that was more at my suggestion as I found mat leave difficult (not the babies but the lack of adult interaction that wasn't child related).... He doesn't get his self esteem from work so Hermia's post hasn't given me a lot of hope it can work OK. We don't know anyone else in this situation and it seems like a massive change, but I think I'm more concerned than him...

If he's happy, run with it. It's awesome that you have that option.

sp1987

My partner will be looking after our son when I return to uni in September and will probably be starting study himself.

I cannot think of anyone else even half as good to look after our son when I cannot be there. He is a brilliant dad and the pair of them will get on fine I'm sure.

I'd only say there is a problem when the father feels he is ''pushed'' into looking after the children and doesn't want to do it.

As for the type of mothers that don't appreciate a father being at a group with their child, maybe they should look at the quality of the relationship their partner has with their own children if bringing them to a group is totally beyond the realm of reason. It implies they feel if they were not there to take their child to a group the child would not go, lovely. I'm sure my partner would be quite abrupt and clear on his feelings if met with a similarly naive response!

If people think that you don't like your kids because you (or your husband...whoever's job makes more sense) are prepared to work full time to support them then they are also lacking a bit between the ears!