Help someone please, it's too much.....

Ava8

I am gathering up all my bits and pieces for my IP and everything will be returned tomorrow. I am 50k in debt, My OH is about the same and he is going through his own IVA and at the same stage and he hates the sight of me... Basically it is ALL my fault and I can't live with myself for that. We made a bad decision to renovate 5 yrs ago and lost all our money doing it as builders left us in the lurch, we lived off loans and cards to finish the house and it's worthless now!!! And it would seem so am I.

I apparently am not as good a housekeeper as 'other women' and 'let' this happen so therefor it is my fault.

Please don't be shocked when you read this but I want to go to sleep and not wake up again, if you are reading the forum please think carefully how you spend your money and don't end up like me. I pray I don't wake up but I do, every morning and have to look at him knowing how much he hates me, every time we argue he brings it up (everyday) I am not able to afford to move out though. what would happen if I left? Could I go bankrupt? If i did would he lose the house? I don't want that to happen. there is not enough equity to cover even one debt let alone both of us. would they force a sale? can I still be in my IVA if i rent a small place somewhere? Would i get help with rent even though i work?

I'm sorry to be in such a state but i just can't cope any longer with this, I am a worthless piece of c--p. I have no-one to talk to. I don't want to do this anymore....someone please say something, a bit of hope please.

after 25 yrs together i am living with a stranger, I can't sit in the room with him. I am so shamefull. Help.

worriedindebt

STOP!!!!!!!
you are NOT a worthless person at all... Please just stop for a minute... its only money... There are a thousand people on this forum in exactly the same situation..Me included,, 56k unsecured and sinking fast i am but it is only money and there are many ways to deal with your issues.
First and foremost you need some personasl help to get your strength back.. a doctor can be very helpful or the samaritans... please never be ashamed, w are all humans and all make mistakes.. ive made plenty... keep posting and someone will talk you through what you need to do to sort it all out

adfax

Please don't be so hard on yourself - you are not a worthless piece of c--p. As has already been said, it is only money. But put that to one side for the moment and get yourself sorted. Again, as has already been suggested, go and see your GP.

Before getting on to specifics, over the past few years I have had several downs and not many ups - I lost my job, had to move, suffered from depression, had my son diagnosed with ASD and ended up over £60K in debt. At times it all looked very bleak and I couldn't see a way out of it all. However, with the help of my GP, family and friends, and CCCS, I have now got it sorted. Please be assured that however bad it might seem right now it can get sorted - nothing is impossible! If you don't feel able to turn to family and friends, there are professionals who will give you someone to talk to, both to help sort your personal issues and the money problems - the Samaritans, CAB, debt charities, a local church, your friends on this forum (although we aren't necessarily professionals ).

As for what can be done, first off I really wouldn't worry about what happens to the house - if your OH is left homeless then tough - it sounds as if he has it coming. Do you have a friend or relative you could stay with for a while? You mention that you do work but you say you can't afford to leave - if you forget about your non-essential payments (basically everything except food), could you afford to rent somewhere? The only other 'essentials' are utility bills and council tax, but there are various schemes to help you if you are on a low income. I would suggest speaking to your Citizens Advice Bureau who will be able to advise on the whole issue of housing and any benefits you may be entitled to.

Bankruptcy may be an option - speak to one of the debt charities - CCCS, Payplan, National Debt Line or CAB - they will be able to advise if the IVA is still your best option or if you should look at other options.

You will be able rent whilst in an IVA - you are entitled to allowances for essentials which includes rent, food etc.

Takes this one step at a time ... between us we can get you through it.

Good luck and speak soon.

ciderwithrosie_2

Ava8 wrote: »

We made a bad decision to renovate 5 yrs ago and lost all our money

When the decision to renovate was made you say 'we' so how come, because it all went wrong, it's just your fault now? Your OH is being totally and irrationally unreasonable - you know that don't you, despite what he says everyday. He is a grown man capable of making his own decisions (financial and otherwise) so he must take his share of the responsibility for it all going 't*ts up' (as it were). It's a form of mental abuse in my view and you need help to remove yourself from this poisonous man, I would give Women's Aid a call because you are in dire need of some support, abuse doesn't have to be physical. Please speak to someone about this asap and stop feeling guilty (get angry and bite back)!!

regards CWR

Ava8

Thanks Ciderwithrosie, I appreciate what you are saying. He really is not that kind of person. I can see where he is coming from though. He has worked hard and suffered years at sea(25) hated every day but did it for us and a good pension. I know he feels its all been for nothing. He's not abusive but he is very cutting in his remarks. I have changed him, i've made him bitter. This is killing him too.

God, when i see this written down i feel even worse.

I'm going to ring my GP this morning when i get to work. I can't see an end to it, i have no family, i have no friends and i just don't see the point anymore. I am studying at Uni part time to get a teaching qualification and i finish it in 3 weeks (i am in the final push now) I work 38hrs a week for s..t money and end up doing 50 hrs with my classes. I can't physically do anymore of this. I just don't know how to start to fix myself. Which is ironic because i spend all day advising others and help them get back to work!!!! Someone please beam me up.

inmypocketnottheirs

Ava8, a few wise words in the posts above.

This is not your fault, period.
You can recover from this, either together, separately or on your own.

What I would strongly advise is that you compile a statement of affairs, list all your incomings, outgoings with APR's and balances, and post it over on the debtfree wannabee board. You will be amazed at what this can yield.

Above all, do not give up hope, and do not continue to take sole responsibility for the debt. However, you can, and should, take responsibility for sorting yourself out.

And finally, you are not alone. In more sense than one. First of all there are many more here that have been through similar, to a greater or lesser extent and you will find this site a great resource. Secondly there are some really good debt charities around, ones that don't charge and give good sound advice. Have a look at the non profit debt councillors link in the box above your first post.

inmypocketnottheirs

Ava8 wrote: »

I am studying at Uni part time to get a teaching qualification and i finish it in 3 weeks (i am in the final push now) I work 38hrs a week for s..t money and end up doing 50 hrs with my classes. I can't physically do anymore of this. I just don't know how to start to fix myself. Which is ironic because i spend all day advising others and help them get back to work!!!! Someone please beam me up.

Wow, well done. Just remember all the reasons why you made the sacrifice, and you are now so close.

I guess tiredness is also playing a part in your state of mind too. Somehow in your hectic schedule, you need to chill for an hour or two. A hot bath, a long walk, anything but you need to find some free mental space.

Ava8

Thank you. This support means a lot to me. I have been in a DMP for 2 yrs with Payplan. I went through the 1st year of it without my OH knowing how bad it was, I hid everything for 4 yrs and the stress made me very ill, it all hit the fan as I struggled to get temp jobs one after the other. I continued to pay £700 a month to my debts and this is when I started to get him in the s--t by using his income and credit cards to pay for everything i was meant to provide. Obviously he could not support us alone. (3 kids who have all grown up now thank god )

my IVA if it goes through will be £160 a month so that will be much better. I just can't cope with the shame of it all. I feel I have destroyed a good man. He says what i have done is worse than if i had been unfaithful to him. It kills me. I know i have to come to terms with the fact that this will last 5 yrs, (if i get it) I know that, I dont mind. I just feel bad that he is being punished because i am weak. If i could undo it all i would. I am not feeling sorry for myself, please don't think that! I feel sorry for him and what i've done to him.

inmypocketnottheirs

Ava8 wrote: »

Thank you. This support means a lot to me. I have been in a DMP for 2 yrs with Payplan. I went through the 1st year of it without my OH knowing how bad it was, I hid everything for 4 yrs and the stress made me very ill, it all hit the fan as I struggled to get temp jobs one after the other. I continued to pay £700 a month to my debts and this is when I started to get him in the s--t by using his income and credit cards to pay for everything i was meant to provide. Obviously he could not support us alone. (3 kids who have all grown up now thank god )

my IVA if it goes through will be £160 a month so that will be much better. I just can't cope with the shame of it all. I feel I have destroyed a good man. He says what i have done is worse than if i had been unfaithful to him. It kills me. I know i have to come to terms with the fact that this will last 5 yrs, (if i get it) I know that, I dont mind. I just feel bad that he is being punished because i am weak. If i could undo it all i would. I am not feeling sorry for myself, please don't think that! I feel sorry for him and what i've done to him.

Listen, what's done is done, history, in the past, water under the bridge. Please don't beat yourself up. It's when the tough get going..... blah blah blah! But here's your chance to get sorted. I am sure your IVA will be accepted, there's little point in it being refused! Then with your new quals and new career you can start to regain control.

As Confuscious said, 'a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single footstep'.

Keep faith and keep focussed, you will get there.

trudij

First of all - BIG hug from me - you sound at the end of your tether, and reading what you have put - Im really not suprised. There is good advice above - not least the have a hot bath, whack loads of bubbles in it, and just take some time out for you.

When you are in a bit clearer mindset, you need to work out your income and expenditure - did you say that your OH was in an IVA of his own?? (quite apart from him not having a moral leg to stand on if thats the case, he must have been less than good with money himself to be in one as well!!!) The companies should take that into consideration when they advise you about IVA or bankruptcy - but dont be pushed into anything. Once you get accepted and you know whats what, you will be amazed how much weight is lifted off your mind, but you need the support from friends and family. To be honest, it doesnt sound like your OH is being very fair to you - can you go and stay with a friend while you get your head round things a bit?? maybe a few days away somewhere you dont feel that you are in trouble all the time will help you see things clearer??

PLEASE dont feel like you are on your own with this - there are people who can help, and us lot are always willing to listen and help where we can

xxx

ships-cat

Here's what i see:

Someone who's took a brave step and asked for help - well done, respect to you!

Someone who's off to see the Doc' and is looking after herself - excellent idea!

Someone's who about to qualify as a teacher! - what a vocation, so rewarding, so important a role in the world, teaching the next generations - I salute you!

You're taking the first steps on the right path and that's got to be a good start - well done, all the support you need and more is here.