Would this have made you angry or upset or even complain ?

kingfisherblue

I'll answer your question - no, I wouldn't make a complaint because the person on the phone was just doing his job.

I, too, have a child with severe disabilities. Sometimes I am asked very personal questions about him, which can be upsetting. When I was going through a difficult divorce, the judge asked me if my son was likely to die early. That is probably one of the worst things to be asked, especially as he almost died several times in his first few days (he was given four hours to live on the day he was born - he's now twelve years old :j).

Having a child with disabilities is very stressful at times and it appears that you have taken the commen from the helpline personally, even though they will not have meant it to be that way. I can understand it, but I also think that sometimes you just have to let it go. Life has enough problems for us without creating more. Personally, I would rather hear something than see it written down, but we are all different and deal with things in different ways. I wouldn't make a complaint though, I would chunner and curse a bit, perhaps whilst mopping the floor to get rid of soem frustration, then I would thank heaven that I have my son and that he doesn't have to listen to these questions.

Mum2twins98

kingfisherblue wrote: »

I'll answer your question - no, I wouldn't make a complaint because the person on the phone was just doing his job.

I, too, have a child with severe disabilities. Sometimes I am asked very personal questions about him, which can be upsetting. When I was going through a difficult divorce, the judge asked me if my son was likely to die early. That is probably one of the worst things to be asked, especially as he almost died several times in his first few days (he was given four hours to live on the day he was born - he's now twelve years old :j).

Having a child with disabilities is very stressful at times and it appears that you have taken the commen from the helpline personally, even though they will not have meant it to be that way. I can understand it, but I also think that sometimes you just have to let it go. Life has enough problems for us without creating more. Personally, I would rather hear something than see it written down, but we are all different and deal with things in different ways. I wouldn't make a complaint though, I would chunner and curse a bit, perhaps whilst mopping the floor to get rid of soem frustration, then I would thank heaven that I have my son and that he doesn't have to listen to these questions.

Hey Kingfisherblue thats all i wanted is a 'answer' to my question i mean they way he came across was just wrong if had wanted to complain i would have 2 weeks ago, i know whats wrong with Thomas i have no problem talking about it like you i would think we could talk all day about lifes ups and downs sometimes, i never 'overreact' too things but when i comes to my children maybe i do. but hugs for your answer and thanks ...

JC9297

Hi, my 17 year old son is also severely autistic (with severe learning disability) and I agree the person on the helpline should not have said "if he was severely autistic he would most likely be in a care home" because it is totally untrue. Most affected children are cared for by their families at home, some may attend a residential school. To those posters saying "they were doing their job", no he wasn't - he wasn't asking questions to help the claim, he was passing comment. To answer your question, yes I would have found the comment offensive and would have told the person on the phone so.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

If you look at it another way, the person was remarking on your son being cared for at home because very few people have the dedication, mental resources and strength to manage caring for a child with such severe autism as you have demonstrated.

Which makes it a sort of compliment. You are, in his eyes, a remarkable woman.

(Mine too, but I only have direct experience of Aspergers.)

Oldernotwiser

Mum2twins98 wrote: »

Fair enough ... but my child does matter and i thought this website was helpful and friendly ... People need to read the question 'Would you have made a complaint' a simple no or yes would have done the trick ...

You surely didn't see that as an unhelpful or unfriendly answer - if you did, you really need to grow a thicker skin!

You actually didn't ask whether you should make a complaint; you said " now was i being to over sensitive about the DLA helpline. People are saying i should have made a complaint" and some people, myself included have simply answered the question you did ask and not the one you thought you did.

To answer both questions; yes, you are being over sensitive and no, you shouldn't have complained. The adviser was a bit tactless but not to the extent that warrants a formal complaint.

AsknAnswer2

He was explaining why they need the Dr's report. Because the DLA handbook states that people with a severe degree of autism are more likely to be in care. Your son isn't in a residential care facility so they are writing to get supporting evidence of the severity of the autism from the Dr. The helpline is not just there to pass on information, they are also there to give information, their role is "customer service advisor". He was advising, giving information on why they need the Dr's report. Fair enough you didn't ask for that information, however he was doing his job. You say he said "likely be in a care home" not "should be". I think he certainly could have advised better in his choice of words though - something along the lines of "The guidance the decision makers use states that a child with severe autism would be more likely to be resident in a care facility so we have to write to the Dr for a report which verifies the degree of autism".

I can't see reason to complain or be angry but yes, I do know how easy it is to become upset. Hearing the words "disability" and "institution" in the same sentence from the mouths of people who have big opinions and narrow minds is still surprisingly commonplace these days. The word "institution" is just an old name for "care facility" or "home". I have a disabled child too and it's all too easy sometimes because we hear these insensitive comments, to draw on them wherever they are mentioned and take things out of context.

I think that perhaps in a sense you have done so here, over reated but it's perfectly normal to be over sensitised thus over react to these things when you hear them said in an insensitive manner so often by others, and where naturally in the role of mother you seek to protect your child. Likewise I think he could have chosen his words more carefully but he didn't do anything incorrect as such. Neither did you. You reacted to something which you felt was offensive, which is fine - we are all human and all react to things differently.

I don't think his poor choice of wording warrants a complaint because essentially he was doing what he is paid to do. If he had said "he should be in a home" - then yes, I would say that warrants a complaint. What he actually said, doesn't - in my opinion.

covlass

DLA handbook states that people with a severe degree of autism are more likely to be in care.

Why does it state this, that's what I would like to know. I am sorry but if any one said that to me I would be so mad.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Because they are?

Indie_Kid

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Sorry, I think that you're overreacting about a throwaway comment. Pick your battles and save your energy for things that matter.

Exactly. At my DLA appeal, I got suggested I do something which I felt was rather insulting; but left it at that.

pandora205

I think OP has a point in that it would be expected that someone working on a DLA helpline would have had training and use appropriate language. We do not talk about children being in 'care homes' but may say they are 'looked after' (for some) or in a 52 week (or less) special school with residential provision. It is certainly not true that most with severe autism are in either of these types of provision. Most live at home and are cared for by their parents or carers.