Family advice please

PeachPickle

Oh honey, I'm so sorry

You need to stop thinking of him as family for a while. He stopped being family when he started abusing you all. Maybe one day he can start again - but that's not now. You're always ace at giving advice - what would you say to someone else in this situation? You wouldn't tell them to wait and see, I'll bet.

This is an extreme idea, but I know of it being used before. Pack up a fair bit of his stuff. Rent him a B&B for a few days, put his stuff in there. Change the locks. Take your boyfriend - and any big friends of his you could involve - and go round to your dad's when you know your brother will be showing up. This is the hardest bit - face him. Give him the new rules - he !!!!s off. Stay with your dad for a few days if you can, call the police at the *first and slightest* bit of trouble

The really harsh part: if your brother is capable of scaring you all so much, hurting you all, he WILL do something extreme with or without provocation. You need to put things on your own terms, cos at the minute he owns you all.

The most important part: you're not alone. Your dad's not alone. I'll have to stop now, before I burst into song

:grouphug:

AussieLass

(((((hugs)))))

I can't really give any new advice that hasn't been given but I do agree it's time for tough love and to boot your brother out of the home. Your father needs to take control of the situation and lay down the law how he expects your brother to live in *his* home. With a lot of support from you he may be able to achieve this.

Don't feel guilty, it might be the making of him. If not, well it has to be an improvement from what it's like now.

Lillibet_2

(((hugs)))

I can't add anything to the above, it's all sound advice. I think someone needs to take charge of the situation & make a few unpleasent decisions & then everyone is going to need a lot of will power to see those decisions through.

Good luck.

Chipps

Hi purpleprincess
(((((((hugs)))))))))
I can't give any advice other than the suggestions you already have, but I can sympathise with you seeing your family being torn apart in this way, with one member threatening another.
As Aussielass said, tough action may be more help to your brother in the long run, as well as you & your dad.
It certainly helped in the situations in which my sister found herself, although it was tough going at the time.

oakdale_minx

hi there - I don't really know what to say to help, I feel you have an awful situation. Maybe when the smallest thing kicks off , your Dad calls you and you call the Police?

The only thing I can add is to get him to leave.
I have a colleague who fosters. She had a lad living with her who at 16/17 was doing drugs. They had many conversations about not doing it in the house and he ignored it. When he turned 18, she asked him to leave as he was still doing drugs in the house and she has a 15 year old daughter. She said it was very tough. He had already sold some of her stuff for drugs. He left but came back and trashed the TV. Anyway she kicked him out and he went to the council and is living in a grotty bedsit, but she is being firm. She knows he has no money. He has been in re-hab but it didn't work It hurts her to keep him at arms distance, but she knew she had to be tough. He will have to stand on his own feet and maybe this is the best thing for your brother.

Maybe, and I really hope you don't take this the wrong way, if he goes to prison it might be the best thing. He would get help and counselling and your dad would be able to breathe a sigh of relief.

Janepig

Really sorry to hear about your predicament. I hope things improve soon. I agree that maybe you should try the Probation Service and ask to speak to your brother's supervising officer. They may be no use at all, but they may be able to offer some assistance, or put you in touch with an organisation that might help. As far as not doing his community service hours goes, yes he will end up back at Court, but it really is pot luck as to the outcome. The Court where I work are always hugely lenient, no matter how bad a picture we try to paint, especially if it's a first breach of an order and some hours have been done, and also if he has a good defence solicitor who will make your brother out to be some kind of amateur saint in front of the bench. However, if the Court are a bit stricter then he may well end up in prison, especially if he commits another offence before his hearing. Sounds to me like he could have done with a Probation Order rather than CS in the first place.

Jxx

november

Echoing what the OP said about domestic violence. Domestic violence isn't just something that happens between couples but between anyone who has had a relationship including family and it is emotionally difficult to deal with as well as physically.

My advice would be to offer support to your Dad emotionally and practically with getting help with this but also for you or he not to face your brother and friends one to one without support if it puts either of you at risk.

He needs to decide whether he wants to stay in the house in which case a solicitor would be useful or whether he wants rehousing. However first he needs to be able to face that he is at risk from his son - not an easy thing to do. In any case when he is at risk he needs to phone 999 for the police.

Domestic violence advice that is none gender specific can be found here:

From CAB http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/index/family_parent/family/domestic_violence.htm

BBC (very detailed with section for men) http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/domestic_violence/index.shtml

I don't know why the police and council haven't been any help. My understanding is that each area has domestic violence policies and procedures now. Police have DV units. People who are at risk of violence in their home can be accepted as homeless and rehomed.

If you need to find a legal advisor in your area who works with what was called legal aid you can search here: http://www.clsdirect.org.uk/directory/directorySearch?lang=en

Wishing you both all the best.

JenIttels

Princess, this is such a sad situation I'm really sorry to hear about it.

My brother was a nightmare when we were younger but my parents never kicked him out except for short periods of time. Nothing they did ever tried helped even when police were involved. A few years on (after just putting up with him) and he has a much better character and has finally started to grow out of the horrible things he used to do.

I can't help you with anything specifc I'm afraid but he is going to end up doing whatever he wants regardless of what you and your dad do now, so, as others have said, concentrate on what your dad needs instead. Get him away from your brother.

All you can do is say to your brother something like, "we're prepared to help and support you as soon as you start behaving like a decent human being. Until then we want nothing to do with you"

You can't change other people. You can only change how you react to them.

Good luck with everything.