Family advice please

**purpleprincess**

Not sure if this is the right place to post this, please move to a more appropriate place if needed.................................................................. I am sooooo upset and angry at the moment. My dad is deaf and my brother (18yo) lives with him. My brother has been failing to go to his community service and won't get a job and is just drunk and stoned 99% of the time. He is causing my dad untold grief, and my dad is frightened of him. ............................................................................................. My brother is now letting his mates (scumbags just released from prison) stay at the house. They eat dad's food and use all the stuff in the house. They don't contribute and they also are drunk, stoned (or possibly worse) all the time. ............................................................................................... I don't live at home because of the problems this caused before and really feel for my dad. He told my brother that the mates can't stay there anymore and my brother was very aggressive to my dad and his friends still stayed last night.......................................................................................... While I was on holiday my brother had friends round (at dad's house) and because dad is profoundly deaf he couldn't hear, and they were having a party in the garden, all the neighbours even across the road could hear them, and they started arguing and two of them smashed bottles and stabbed each other with them. This meant that the police had to come out and an ambulance and this was the early hours of the morning. Dad said there was blood everywhere and smashed glass all over the garden and we've got a dog so this could have really hurt him. ................................................... Brother went to court yesterday about not attending his community service, this has been adjourned until 29/8/06. .................................................... I really don't know what to do or what to advise to my dad. He doesn't want me to do anything really as before when I told my brother what was what I ended up having to go to hospital. ..................................................... Dad has started not eating at home anymore so that there's no food in the house which I have said is a very good idea. But dad is on his own and works 2 jobs as it is and doesn't need this additional drain................................. It makes me so f**king angry :mad: and it makes me cry dad came and saw me today to give me the latest and I had to try really hard not to cry in front of him, and I'm also at work. ......................................................... I am so frustrated and upset and angry and don't know what to do any help

Katgoddess

Sorry you are so upset about this. :grouphug:

If it was my brother, I'd throw all his stuff out in bin liners and change the locks.

rchddap1

Tough one. Suspect your Dad is living in hope that your brother is going to change his ways. Not sure of the chances of that though. I agree that it would be very tempting to just throw him out.

However, when the next court case is due the authorities won't know where to find him.

One other option would be for your Dad to stay elsewhere between now and then. However, this would give them free reign of the house.

Have either yourself or your Dad spoken to CAB / Police / Council to find out the possibilities?

One other thing I would mention...if your Dad has anything of value (monetary or sentimental value) I would encourage you to get it out of the house so that it is safe.

Ali1501

I'd kick ur bro like I just did my copier :mad:

:grouphug:

seriously tho, Im sorry to hear this, I don't give advise but am a good listener

**purpleprincess**

Katgoddess wrote:

Sorry you are so upset about this. :grouphug:

If it was my brother, I'd throw all his stuff out in bin liners and change the locks.

Believe me, am so close to doing this!! But we are frightened of what he may do and there's also the thing over us about the fact that he's family

Bendybops19

I know he is family............but if he cared at all about you or your dad he wouldnt be treating you like this :mad:

The only way i can see him changing is by basically being forced to. In your brothers eyes, he is having a great time with his mates, his mates think he's great coz they can stay at his all the time.

He needs a shock, and i think the only way to do this is for both you and your dad to tell him he has 1 week to change, to stop his friends coming over 24/7, to stop taking your dad for a ride, and to stop drinking/smoking drugs in the house (i doubt you will be able to get him to stop them completely).

I feel so sorry for you, especially that you are frightened of your own brother But its because he is your brother that you need to stop this behaviour now.

I'm here if you need me x x x

**purpleprincess**

rchddap1 wrote:

Tough one. Suspect your Dad is living in hope that your brother is going to change his ways. Not sure of the chances of that though. I agree that it would be very tempting to just throw him out.

However, when the next court case is due the authorities won't know where to find him.

One other option would be for your Dad to stay elsewhere between now and then. However, this would give them free reign of the house.

Have either yourself or your Dad spoken to CAB / Police / Council to find out the possibilities?

One other thing I would mention...if your Dad has anything of value (monetary or sentimental value) I would encourage you to get it out of the house so that it is safe.

That's just it, glimmer of hope that he will change. Although can't see it myself. ..................... I hate it that dad feels like he can't be in his own home. He is coming to stay with boyf and me one night next week so he gets a break from it. But like you said, gives them free reign of the house. .................... I work for the council and there's not a lot here they can do. Police and CAB haven't been much use either to be honest . ..................... Hadn't thought of that :doh: will do that ASAP.

ageandjo

This is terrible for you and your father, it's so tough when it's family I have had it myself.
You have to be cruel to be kind, thought about an ASBO? how about talking to the local community police officer?
We are here to help you though so don't bottle anything up

comping_cat

Oh purpleprincess, what a horrible situation. Trouble is, the fact that he is family means you want to help rather than do something about it, but maybe its time to be cruel to be kind and changing the locks and sticking his stuff in binbags might be the kick up the whatsit that he needs?
I agree with rchddap, maybe remove anything of value from the house, and then get your dad out, i think when he next goes to court, he may end up with a custodial sentance, so would then give you some time to sort out the house, and maybe arrange some help for him when he gets out.
Sorry i havnt got any better advice, i really hope things get a bit better for all of you xx

hankc35

Next time there is an incident phone the police, explain to them that your father is disabled & vunerable and ask them if they can visit the address and place a 48hr police exclusion order on your brother and his yob friends, after this your really going to have to talk to the police about where to go from there, but IMHO your brother will get fed up of being arrested if he continues to act the same way, and hopefully his mates will find a better place to hang out.

Kazonline

PP - awful thing for both you and your dad to be going through. Don't quite know what to suggest other than CAb as allready mentioned and maybe a solicitor to get an injunction against him - for both you and your dad. I know it sounds extreme, but what you are going through is extreme. As for the family thing, for the time being he has waved all rights to that. When he can show some respect and consideration to you his family then no doubt you will be prepared to support him. At the moment he is not behaving as though he is family so doesn't deserve to be treated as such.
I hope you find a way to improve things soon,
Kaz x