Selling 2 houses and buying new one/building extension with father-in-law

bioboybill

I'm not sure if this is the place to ask, but here goes.

My father-in-law has been living on his own for just under 5 years since his wife died. He is 84 and has recently had a few falls, including one where he fell down the stairs and was in hospital for just over a week.

Since returning to his home 2 nights ago he has already had another fall (last night) and we are worried that he won't be able to cope on his own.

We don't want him to go into a care home, because he is quite introverted and we feel it would be a horrible experience for him (basically he would be waiting to die).

He has 2 sons and 3 daughters living in this country (including my wife). One of the sons has 4 kids and no room. One of the daughters is a foster carer and regularly has 3 troubled children to care for, so really neither of them could take him in. The other daughter is about as much use as a chocolate teapot and she doesn't care about him, so that just leaves my wife and I or the eldest son.

The eldest son is 60, retired early and in good health. He lives on his own in a 3 bed semi with no mortgage about 5 mins drive from us.

We live in a 3 bed semi with one small spare bedroom (we have a son with us) and we have long distance relatives stay in that room a few times a year. i work full time and my wife works 3 days a week. We have a mortgage of about £33K, but £24K will be paid off towards the end of this year.

Basically the only alternatives are:

Father moves in with us and we get a stairlift fitted and convert bath to walk-in shower, so he can use the small bedroom and bathe safely. Obviously none of us would have much privacy and there is the worry about the days we are at work.

Father moves in with son. No worries about being at work, but obviously we would make sure he gets time to holiday etc. Still not much privacy other than when he's in bed.

Ourselves or my brother-in-law get extension built above garage so father can have large bedroom with more privacy for all of us. His house would have to be sold to fund this and other changes. Obviously this all takes time. His house is in quite bad shape and would probably be worth only about £80-90K 9we live in Middlesbrough where houses aren't so expensive).

Ourselves or brother-in-law sell our house and father-in-law sells his and we move to larger house, which is more suitable with areas father could have privacy. Obviously this could take quite some time unless there are shortcuts people could advise us of.

I would welcome any advice or suggestions. I would also be interested if anybody else has gone through the same situation.

DVardysShadow

If he is already suffering falls, I would say you might need something to be in place more quickly than you could put up an extension

bioboybill

DVardysShadow wrote: »

If he is already suffering falls, I would say you might need something to be in place more quickly than you could put up an extension

Yeah, I realise that. He would probably move in with one of us until we could get one of the options sorted. We have him on a homecall system where we get a call if he falls, but he's only been home 2 days and he's had us round his house half a dozen times already (only once for a fall). My wife is going to have a nervous breakdown with the worry or he's going to kill himself if we don't get a permanent solution.

lincroft1710

Selling 2 houses to buy 1 can take a long time. An extension will need pp, building regs, garage may not have sufficient foundations for 1st fl. There will also be a lot of noise, dust, inconvenience. I would suggest fil temporarily moves in with his son if you're going for the extension option.

mufi

Having got a parent of a similar age, two things spring to mind:

Long-term, what happens to your siblings inheritance-wise, if he pumps his assets into your home to build an extension? Might you be forced to sell your home? Or might it lead to a terrible situation with your siblings feeling resentful?

What happens if he later needs nursing care, but feels that he's enhanced the value of your home, and is now entitled to have you doing this? Or that he needs more care and you feel indebted to him, so one of you has to give up work to care for him. I'm not sure how you actually say "Thanks Dad, it's been lovely having you here, cheers for the extra room, but you're off to a nursing home"...

I would think very carefully.

poppysarah

bioboybill wrote: »

Yeah, I realise that. He would probably move in with one of us until we could get one of the options sorted. We have him on a homecall system where we get a call if he falls, but he's only been home 2 days and he's had us round his house half a dozen times already (only once for a fall). My wife is going to have a nervous breakdown with the worry or he's going to kill himself if we don't get a permanent solution.

Go and fetch him now.
Don't leave him on his own.

Don't wait for family to decide - go and ask him if he'll move in with you now and you'll work out the arrangements for the visitors you have.

Cannon_Fodder

With you both working a lot, I'm not sure being at yours is much different to where he is now.

He needs to be in close proximity to quick responders, by the sounds of it.

This doesn't have to mean a care home, which I agree can be a bit grim. Sheltered accomodation (or retirement housing) is a half-way house.

A quick google came up with this, which seems to consider a variety of factors; http://www.firststopcareadvice.org.uk/downloads/resources/housing-care-options-for-older-people-1-2010_122.pdf

Worth a read of Age Concern, too; http://www.ageconcern.org.uk/AgeConcern/info_guide_3.asp

I agree with the concerns of others, about how funds in 1 multi-purpose property could be withdrawn when necessary for inheritance/council care costs (deprivation of assets) etc..

Complex area. And that's before the emotional impact. You have my sympathy.

mufi

Splendidly practical advice, Cannon Fodder.

Good luck to the OP.

carefullycautious

Think very carefully about this. My father started having falls and also fell down flight of stairs he ended up spending 4 months on rehab unit. He gradually over time lost the use of his legs. Now initially I was all for having him live with me.

However, I realised that as i would probably be the one doing most of the care that I would not be able to lift him if he fell or needed to go to the toilet etc also with frail parents or any ill person they sleep when you are awake and are awake when you need to sleep which is a nightmare. He subsequently went into a care home and then onto a nursing home as he became more incapable and died shortly after.

It is one of the most difficult decisions to make and I dont envy you.

[Deleted User]

I think considering sheltered housing for him is a very very good option.., it allows him to be private but also have help very close at hand if he needs it. It would probably mean selling his house to pay for it.., but I suspect whatever option u chose.., this would need to happen. The good thing about this idea is if his needs do change, its much easier to change his accommodation.

Nixer

Not quite the same but my mum fell downstairs last autumn and was in hospital 10 days. The fall was an accident (she was aiming for the bathroom which is next to the stairs, didn't put the light on, groggy as it was 3am, went head first down the stairs, rather than being midway down the stairs and falling) but it was the second time she's done it (first time she didn't end up in hospital).

Initially she was all set to start looking for either flats (with a lift) or bungalows but she's now being stubborn again and there's not much I can do - she seems to have forgotten how horrendous being in hospital was.

In your father in law's case - what's going to happen if/when his needs intensify e.g. what if he gets dementia? You mention stairs and a stairlift - is there a risk he might fall when trying to get into and out of the stairlift? Could he use a downstairs room instead? I'm sorry to say he is likely to fall again so you need to make sure he can do as little damage to himself as poss.

Have you any experience at all of looking after an elderly person that you're related to for more than a few hours? I stayed with my mum for 24 hours when she came out of hospital and it was absolutely exhausting, admittedly probably because we don't have a great relationship and she's cantankerous as hell. I couldn't contemplate working full time and then having to care for an elderly parent (and you have a small child too) when I got in from work.