How do i help her

SUESMITH_2

second the shopping thing, also if you bake or cook make something and take it, anything to take some stress of them now

jewelly

I'm sure she will love to see you. I like the teddy suggestion someone made earlier. Just be there to let her say whatever she wants. Please remember the father too. People often focus on the Mum and her loss, and the Dad can find it hard to cope with his feelings about the loss.

Dillence

We when lost our daughter (stillborn, full term) 5 years ago my best friend gave me a little pink teddy bear which we buried with her. Also the last thing I wanted people to do was to pack up everything, I needed to do it in my own time, but she may want help. Groceries/food is definately a good idea.

I was quite happy to see people but needed to talk about everything that happened and cry and seeing my friends really helped with this. Weeks later I also saw a councellor and the Sands website also helped.

So sorry for your friends loss.

tattoed_bum

How abut taking your friend a little photo album or frame for her baby pictures something that she can keep the pics in safely ,my friend had one when her daughter was stillborn .
I also think that she will want a hug and someone to cry with .
I am so sorry for her loss it's a devastating time

diddyangel

My friend had to have her baby at 22 weeks as he had such severe abnormalities he could not have survived outside her womb (it was either have him and lose him at 22 weeks or carry him and lose him at full term). Like you I was about the the first visit (what do you, what do you say) but she was my firend and she needed me, as will your friend. The amount of people who avoided her through fear of upsetting her actually upset her more by staying away. We hugged, we cried, we talked - wel I let her talk and I listened. I did bits of shopping for her like bread, milk, tea etc... as she wasn't really up for going out because she was scared of people asking how long she had left/when the baby was due. For your friend this will be very hard as the bump has gone and people will naturally ask questions about when she had the baby, sex etc... and she will have to tell them what happened. My friend asked me to tell other friends what had happened to try and stop rumours and to try and avoid awkward situations - she really didn't want to have to tell everyone what had happened herself but this is a very personal choice and your friend might not appreciate this.

The best advice I can give you is to just be there for whatever she needs you for. I'm sure you will be helping her by just being there. Also, make sure you have someone there for you that you can talk to as it is very tough emotionally so look after yourself too. She is lucky she has such a caring friend she will really need you right now.

Ladyhawk

My friend was the same as Diddyangels... she lost hers at 21 weeks. She asked me to tell all our friends. The difference was that my friend and her husband specifically asked people for priviacy and they didn't want to see/ talk to anyone until they were ready. I respected that and said that if they wanted anything or needed anything I would be there. Everyone copes with grief differently.

squashy

I'm so sad for your friend's loss. I have seen too many friends and loved ones go through this and I cannot think of anything worse than having to hold a funeral for a tiny baby.

I am sure the lady in question won't mind me posting this link to her blog, do read it though as it will give you a real insight to how your friend might be feeling, and may also give you some ideas about things you could do in memory of your friend's little boy. In it, Jeanette talks about how she lost her beautiful little Florence last summer, and all that has happened since, how it still hurts. It's a very honest and insightful bit of writing, see what you think. http://lazyseamstress.blogspot.com/

paulrn_2

Can I just add that your post is titled Help Her when I would ask that you help them. When it happened to us I was left alone by our friends and told to be strong for her etc etc and so I closed it down in my mind and still do every time I remember. It felt like I was just there to organise do the jobs around the house and go back to work.

mumOf2wonderfulkids

princessleah_ wrote: »

Don't be afraid to talk about the baby and definitely don't say "you can have another one" or "it was meant to be" as that is definitely not something she is going to want to hear. Perhaps suggest ways in which you can preserve baby's memory such as planting a rose bush?

.

i most definately second this!! I have lost 2 children and these are by far the things i never wanted to hear!

like other posters have said, be prepared to give her lots of hugs and for lots of crying, when she is up to it, direct her to http://www.uk-sands.org/ i cannot recommend these highly enough - they were my lifeline! (hence my fund raising in my sig!)

sending your friend lots of love xxx

siren13577

Pretty much as everyone else has said, be prepared to talk about the baby, it's an important part of grief and peoples actions matter a great deal. My nephew died a few days after he was born and it was important to spend time with my sister and talk to her, as difficult as it was for me, to look at his footprints and handprints and his hair. I gave her a congratulations card when he was born and a teddy, even though we knew he was very poorly and probably wouldn't survive the birth. My sister had an emergency c section and fortunately enough he survived the birth and we had three days to spend with him. For me it was important at times to suspend my grief and let her talk, at other times I cried with her, I only got to hold him after he died as he was in ICU. I told her he was beautiful and that he was perfect even though it was extremely hard.

Three years on we still talk about him, I think it has a lot to do with acknowledgement, I sometimes think people assume not talking about a loved one passing is for the best but it's not. My best advice would be just listen, even if you can't think of anything to say, just listen. It does get easier, it doesn't go away but at some point your friend willl remember you being there and will be grateful for that.