How do i help her

izoomzoom

My friend's baby was still born many years ago. One of the things she told me years ago was the thing she treasured most was a congratulations on the birth of your baby card she got (sadly not from me). Sadly her baby has died and the family will get lots of condolence cards, but those are not what they hold dear.

And ask all about their baby. I am sure they will be desparate to talk about him / her.

pigpen

when my friend lost her baby girl (one of twins) she just appreciated someone to talk to who wouldn't run away and hide whenever she was mentioned.. she had been a little life.. a beautiful person she held in her arms and loved.

The photos are vital and if she is seeing him again maybe one of the kits for making hand and foot prints 'could' be used.. the clay ones for a cast thing.. I don't know what they are allowed here but here I know my friend went to see her baby a few times at the hospital before they moved her to a funeral home.

I did get her a 'congratulations on your twins' card which she was very grateful for.. so many people refused to acknowledge she had 2 baby girls not just one.

Just lots of talking, crying and hugging it very necessary.. copious amounts of tea/coffee too.. if you can.. take her a sandwich or a 'picnic' as she may not be eating properly and may not want to eat but she really needs to.. and no.. don't mention having another one or that it was meant to be..

And it is no good asking what she needs.. she needs her baby.. play it by ear.. jus by being there at this awful time in her life you are being what she needs.. a friend.

jenhug

If it were me i'd want my best friend with me.

gwen80

Sadly, my niece was stillborn just over two years ago. I'll never forget my brothers voice breaking up as he told me.

Only they will know if they're up to visitors. I would let them know that you're there for them, both practically and emotionally. Ask if they need any shopping getting, if they'd like you to take some dinner round? My poor brother had to go to the shops the day my sister-in-law got out of hospital as they didn't have anything in the house for dinner (They live abroad, otherwise there would have been some dinner there for them).

Make cups of tea, distribute hugs, listen and if they want to show you pictures tell them their little boy was beautiful.

I second Spendless's suggestion aswell. Would they like you to pack stuff up? When it happens at this stage, everything is usually ready and to see it all there and know that it's not needed now, must be devastating.

Gwenx

suzih_2

Go and visit them as it is the best thing a friend could do. When I lost my twins at birth everybody stayed away (except my mum) and that really hurt. I know it will be a sad visit but give them both a hug and talk about the baby. You don't have to stay long but it will mean so much to your friend.

Lizzieb151

How sad, all you can do is be there, my best friend's baby died of cot death in October and she called me to hospital 2 hours after him passing just for a hug. Even now it is very hard for her but we have put up photos of him and are planning yearly memorials for him.
She feels that every one has forgotten him as no one talks about him anymore.
We are storing her baby stuff until she is ready to have it back and helped with housework and mainly helped with the funeral arrangements.

Just be there, even your presence will be comforting

babyshoes

As others have said, take your cue from her. Just be there, and listen if she wants to talk; hold her and cry if she doesn't. Offers of practical help will be welcomed, even if they are not taken up. She won't necessarily be able to think about what needs doing, so it may be useful if rather than saying 'is there anything I can do' rather say 'do you want me to do xyz...'.

How are you feeling about this? If you are a close friend you were probably also looking forward to having this new person in your life. My best friend is expecting her first child, and I would also be devastated if the baby were to be lost at this stage. You need to be strong for your friend right now, but don't forget to take time at some stage to deal with your own emotions, whatever those happen to be!

slummymummyof3

Be prepared that the photos may not be as you expect - depending on how long the baby has been dead in utero, the skin starts to break down and appears red and blistered. Just wanted to make you aware of this so that you can be prepared (if necessary) when you visit and not have the 'shocked' appearance on your face if this is the case.

I think you should go and visit as all to often in the case of bereavement, people stay away as they don't know what to say. You don't have to say anything, just being there will be enough.

gratefulforhelp_2

Your poor friend. Such good advice here. I probably wouldn't want to see anyone so soon, but thats just me, maybe?

If you do see her, I would listen much more than I spoke. Don't try to fill silences.

sarahs999

Don't ask if they need food/shopping, just do it. THey will be so numb with grief that they will have no idea what they want. Make a couple of dishes of food that can be reheated and put them in the fridge.

Also, do look at the photos, do tell them that the baby is beautiful and looks perfect (unless there is clearly something very wrong, in which case just say that he looks at peace). Allow her to talk. She probably won't take in anything you say now but she will be grateful later if you have let her talk, and continue to let her talk, in the months ahead, when others are thinking she should be getting over it. Also, always refer to the baby by his name. Even in teh years ahead - it's an acknowledgement that he arrived in the world and was a person.