friends

Pee

It is hard to make suggestions without knowing what your illness/ pain prevents you doing. Volunteering in some way, whether with local groups doing annual events - where they often need typing support for instance - or a local charity shop or groups that ask volunteers to visit lonely elderly people in their homes, may be the way forward.

You say that you don't want counselling. Do you think that your depression is caused solely by your illness/ pain? If this is ust because you had a bad experience in the past, you should consider whether a counsellor with a different character or personality could be more helpful to you.

An appropriate course is a good idea, whatever you are into, as you should meet people with similar interests. Maybe a language?

If you are able to do any exercise, it is worth making the effort, maybe go swimming or walking outside in this nice weather, as exercise can help with depression. (I am really sorry if these are not viable options for you.)

From your username, I presume you do like reading, or maybe films. How about trying your hand at writing and joining a writing group? If we keep making suggestions, you will see something that makes you think, yes, I'd like to do that - hopefully!!!

Making female friends in your mid thirties can be difficult, because lots of people seem to be very busy with families, understandably really, although some of those mothers might also be lonely and an option if you like children. Otherwise people seem to be working long hours, like your hubby, establishing themselves in careers. Might be worth remembering that they may also be unhappy and lonely.

I hope some of the suggestions by me and other people work for you.

gill_81uk

Don't discount your hubbie's colleagues older wives. Due to your position you may find that an older friend may suit you as they be more patient and understanding than friends your own age who probably haven't been through the same levels of pain and frustration as you.

I have a friend I met through work who is 45 (I'm 28) and she's one of my best friends now. We chat on the phone several nights a week and frequently meet up. She has another good friend who is ten years older than her (so it's not that she's young for her age - she def isn't) I don't even notice the age gap - she's just my friend!

belfastgirl23

I agree with Pee, it is difficult making friends with women in their 30s because their usually young families absorb a lot of their time and attention. i think you're sort of looking for a kind of friendship that doesn't exist in a way - or not in my world anyway - the popping in for coffee type of thing. But companionship is a different thing really, being in places where there are other people and there is a potential for friendship to spring up. That's where the suggestions for volunteering or taking classes or joining groups is really helpful.

the thing is though, YOU have to do it. No one else can do it for you. And this can be the hardest thing to face, that if you want something, you have to get up and go and try to get it. I do get a sense from your post that you're putting a lot of blocks in your way, won't go to counselling, get antidepressants or change meds. This is understandable. But if you aren't happy with your life then you need to figure out what parts of it you are prepared to change.

You don't have to do everything at once. Why not try to do just one thing? Go along to a group event and talk to just one person. And don't expect them to become a lifelong friend, just do it to get the practice in.

At the minute you're looking for friendship through a closed door. You need to open it...

twilightsaga

hi guys thanks for the responses i've changed my meds to the best i can be on but it still doesn't stop the pain just dampens it down somewhat i've done a few courses and still nothing so i guess now i'm stuck with suggestions really

CaroLondon

I am another one who would like to say dont discount older friends.

My best friend is 47 (I am 34) and she has actually been my best mate since I was 18/19, at the time other people thought it was strange we got on so well, she was divorced had a kid etc..

She has been there through stuff with me when others fell by the wayside. I wouldn't (couldn't!) be without her. Her daughter is 20 now and we are great mates too, I am god-mother to her son :T

chloe99_2

Hi there - I understand that you've done what you can with the mneds and are really asking about how to go about making new friends.

I think you need realistic expectations about friends - I could meet 200 people in social/course settings (literally) and not one would have "friend potential". You mustnt give up because a couple of attempts havent worked out.

I would love to have more friends, I have 2 really and both are too busy to see me - but we have to take what we can get and make the most of it - I text them often and even accompany them round the supermarket if that is the only way we can have a chat!

Try and think of courses/activities that YOU would enjoy, this will make you feel more comforable and "friendly" as you will be in your own comfort zone - it takes time to discvoer if someone could be a "friend" - even a 10 week course might not be enough.

You do need to get some exercise, whatever you can manage. Even people in pain where meds dont solve the problem CAN take exercise (my own mother being a fine example of this)- raising the heart rate will have as much good benefit as the St Johns.

As for walking (if you can manage it) you will be surprised to find many many walking clubs where people walk together. They definitely get to know one another and can make friends there - walking club folk seem to be generally a little more relaxed than others and also very welcoming and friendly generally. But this isnt going to happen over a few outings, you will have to work at it.

Get checking the internet for local groups, courses, hobby clubs, walking groups etc.

lastly, I dont think finding friends as such is the only option for you. It would be nice and you would enjoy a good friendship, but even if it takes you time to find some, you still need to be getting out in the meantime. So take up a few interests, learn something new, and if you dont find friends, at least you have taken a step towwards taking your mind off your preblems a little.

Take care.

xx

frannyann

twilightsaga wrote: »

hi guys thanks for the responses i've changed my meds to the best i can be on but it still doesn't stop the pain just dampens it down somewhat i've done a few courses and still nothing so i guess now i'm stuck with suggestions really

This may seem like a strange idea, but have you tried joining Twitter? I have been on it a year, and as a single working mum of one I have a very limited social life, however I have found the age range of Twitter more in line with mine. (I use a protected timeline to avoid spammers!!) I have 200 followers/following and they are mainly mums in 30's/40's. I have recently met (tweeted up ) with another mum and am slowing expanding my social life with like minded people!!

ETA, If you want to find me, I am the same user name there

brians_daughter

Hi sorry for asking but what illness do you suffer from? I only ask as i too suffer from 2 illnesses unrelated to each other that cause awful pain. I joined local networks that related to the illness and now have 2 great friends who also understand what i am going through and are worth their weight in gold. I also have 'normal' mates i have known for various periods of time but find the ones who know what i am going through to be great help and support. we do each others shopping and cleaning if, for example, 1 of us is having a really bad time and another is on the best side of things.

I have been really unwell, more so than usual this last week. I felt dreadful, but a walk/sit/hobble around the park yesterday made me feel so much better- you should aim to get out - even if only into the garden. why not start growing veg etc and spend time doing that? anything that gets you outside, even if it is only the garden will amke you feel better.

Courses are also a great way to make friends, even something at the local school flower arranging or foregin language etc

I can promise you that by staying inside alone is not going to help - sorry if i sound harsh but you get out of life what you put in and you really cant expect that someone is going to knock on your door and strike up a friendship with you.

You need to take a second step - your first was posting here, so well done!! All you need to figure out now is what step 2 is going to be!

Bananabelly

twilightsaga wrote: »

hi guys im wondering if u have any suggestions to help me.im a mid 30s female and have not got any friends.... i mean at all. due to illness over the years i seem to have lost them all. ive spent the last 3 weeks indoors(completely) with just one text off a "kind of" friend whos not long had surgery and is recooping at home,but i suppose this has mainly happened in the last 18 months or so.(since my illness got worse)
i dont work due to illness/pain. i am married albeit he works roughly 12 hours a day.
i am depressed and cry lots but i mainly hide this from hubby even tho he knows im "down" as he's had a lot to deal with with me being ill for a long time and i dont want to keep going over things all the time.
im taking st johns wart and have been for roughly 7 weeks,i dont want to really take anti depressants as i have had them once before and it just made me "numb/zombie like".please dont suggest councilling i wont even go there!
i dont know what to do to get any friends due to being in pain etc, ive not even got someone i could call and invite over to catch up,
i cant change my meds to get other ones to control the pain better as i have tried them all and im on the best i can get.
im so lonely i dont know where to start with this...:( i don't need advice with pain/meds i need help with getting new friends any ideas?

OK, this could seem a little harsh.
TBH, I think you do need help with the pain/meds/counselling etc. Everybody has to be in the right frame of mind to accept it, and maybe you're not there yet, but maybe you will be. The no friends issue I would strongly suspect stems from the pain/illness issues and you are in a vicious cycle. There are a number of reasons for this. Obviously pain means you may not do things as others might, but it can be quite self-perpetuating and self-limiting. For example, people with chronic pain often don't want to go out and do things because they might have worse pain if they go, which then means they don't meet people or their friends that they do have stop inviting them out because they always get turned down.

This is the harsh bit - you may also be very focused on your pain and put people off. Pain can be a very dominant thing, and often people in chronic pain are so focused on it, it can stop them from showing their better qualities. Also, if you are feeling lonely you may come across as quite a needy person when the reality may be different.

I have worked with people with chronic pain for a number of years, and your post sounds exactly like most of them do when they first come in. The biggest thing they have to learn is how to control their lives, rather than the pain controlling it. It is very challenging to their whole lifestyle and belief system (in terms of how pain is produced, not religion!) but the people that do well out of it are absolutely amazing.

You don't actually say what your illness is, so maybe some of this is not quite appropriate for you, but it is likely that most of it is. My advice would be to ask your GP about pain management programs (particularly ones with a cognitive behavioural component to them). If you make yourself as happy and interesting as possible, and start to get involved in activities, friends will follow (like others said, maybe not exactly your age, etc but how does that even matter?)

Lillibet_2

Hi,

You sound quite depressed & I would urge you to talk to your Dr about it, even if you aren't happy with either of the 2 obvious options of anti-d's or counselling, just keep your Dr upto date with how you are feeling as some meds can exacerbate (sp?) depression. And you never know, they may have some info on other options, local community groups etc which might be of help to you?

My thoughts are that you are obviously computer savvy, have you tried something like freinds reunited? You could catch up with soem old schoolfriends & these may develop into phone-buddies & maybe local enough for you to meet up with in time? (Beware of old boyfriends tho! I'm in a whole heap of trouble because of exactly that , but it's another story!). You could maybe also try facebook, invite your 1 "sort of" friend to be a face book friend & see if any of your freinds reunited friends are on there too? And MSE'rs? It quite often snowballs from there?

Good luck.