Bereavement Problems

mandi

Hi,
I wasnt going to post, but Ive just read this thread, .. My Nanas very ill at the moment, shes been ill for a long time with altzhimers.. and I lost her ( as a person) a long time ago..as she hasnt recognised me for over 10 years..

Shes had loads of strokes, and each time the doctors call, late at night, .. and I think that , this time its the end..and she always bounces back..:j

I had a call Wednesday night.. very late, from my mum.. and when I went to see her she looked different this time, very frail, and thin,, and If im honest..quite peaceful..

The doctors have said, that her BP cant be found, its so low.. and that although shes not declining rapidly, its only a matter of time now..

I love her dearly, and its her 85th birthday on the 27th.. But I think shes had enough..

I want to remember her as she was, and not as the frail old lady, without memory as she is now

Im going to cry for days.. when she dies.. ( its Ironic, that a thread of mine about "what happens when you die" has popped up again.. How strange)

iwanttosave_2

Oh Mandi, I am so sorry, I hope you get a little while longer together, goof look and best wishes.

mclaren_2

mandi wrote:

Hi,
I wasnt going to post, but Ive just read this thread, .. My Nanas very ill at the moment, shes been ill for a long time with altzhimers.. and I lost her ( as a person) a long time ago..as she hasnt recognised me for over 10 years..

Shes had loads of strokes, and each time the doctors call, late at night, .. and I think that , this time its the end..and she always bounces back..:j

I had a call Wednesday night.. very late, from my mum.. and when I went to see her she looked different this time, very frail, and thin,, and If im honest..quite peaceful..

The doctors have said, that her BP cant be found, its so low.. and that although shes not declining rapidly, its only a matter of time now..

I love her dearly, and its her 85th birthday on the 27th.. But I think shes had enough..

I want to remember her as she was, and not as the frail old lady, without memory as she is now

Im going to cry for days.. when she dies.. ( its Ironic, that a thread of mine about "what happens when you die" has popped up again.. How strange)

my gran also has althiemers but she still can remember me which im thankful for. it is hard though - just remember - you will always have the memories of her

beverleyhills

Sorry to hear about your loss. There are several stages of grieving to go through until before acceptance and the time varies from one person to another.

Cruse is a national organisation which offers free bereavement counselling. look in yellow pages or on the internet.

deaththecat

Hi,
First off, big hug to you.

I really wish there was some phrase or saying that i could spout off and would make a difference to how you're feeling, there isn't, so please be reassured that all the feelings you're describing are perfectly normal and are a part of the whole grieving process.
It seems obvoius from your post that you had a close and loving relationship with your nan and I think you should take comfort from knowing how much you loved her and how much she loved you. I don't think anybody could ask for anything more important than that.

x.

montycat_2

Have you thought about contacting CRUSE -they offer support for bereavement .

Angel777

Hi Kittykate.

So so sorry to hear that. It just brought back so many memories of when my Gran died. She lived with us all of our lives, helped to bring us up etc so i was very very close to her.

She fell into a coma and i found her when i got back from school, dont want to go into anymore detail as i wont stop crying!

Anyway for like 2 weeks before this she had asked me to buy some ribbon which she used for her hair and i never got it.

It was horrible i felt like i could not even do that much for her.

I bought it whilst she was still in hospital and she had it in her hair at the funeral.

I spent many nights talking to her before i went to bed and i did dream of her and after some time i began to rememer all the good things we had done and the fact that i was so lucky to have had her in my life for so long.

Even 7 years down the line it does not feel that long since she passed away.

The memories will never die. I hope that you will also be able to remember all the good times which you had with her. When i miss her i think about what she WOULD have said. It makes me smile thinking about her in that way.

Feel free to pm me.

Good luck and a very very big hug

rose07

hi

im soooo sorry to hear about your nana.

after reading your post it has made me think about my nana, she died a few years ago, we were soo close, she was my best friend, she had a stroke and was in and out of nursing homes, i went to see her when i could i cared for her by getting her to sing and sing her favourite song together. she lost all feeling in her right side of her body, so i motivated her to write with her left, we were soo close.

i will never forget the day my dad came in while i was sleeping and told me how my nana had died, i was in a bad way for a while, and felt like my world had crumbled, i didnt even get a chance to say goodbye, i had lost my best friend and my closest family member, i still think about her heaps.

but the one thing i take from it is the memories, people say i am very much like my nana, and that they can see her in me. i feel she is somewhere in me, its the part of me that lifts me up when im down, gives me a kick when i need it and keeps me going through the day.

better stop talking about my nana though as tears will soon start to fall, this isnt something i talk about alot.

memories can be powerful and if you keep a hold of them then the ones we love will never be forgotten.

i hope your pain eases and that your able to remember the good times and be strong from this. pm me anytime.

mandi,
i hope you get to say the things you need to.
i had a family member with alzheimers (soz cant spell it) it is hard to watch someone you have seen soo strong go vulnerable and weak.

do you think she is ready to give up?
crying is a good way to get everything out if you need to talk to anyone you can pm me.

to all people going through bereavement and upset, BIG HUG to you , :grouphug:
and take care,

patchwork_cat

HI
Grief is very personal. When my Mum died other people (apart from family) didn't understand and still don't - it is 10 years ago, but some times i still feel like crying. Time does help, but I think grief is as powerful an emotion as when you hold your child for the first time. Counselling may help. Guilt is a normal feature of grief - I still feel guilt - my Mum went into a Hospice on the wednesday - just to stabilise her medication and pain relief. I worked wednesday to friday then , so couldn't visit her until saturday. I didn't think that she was in for anything other than pain relief. Apparently she was asking for me on the wednesday, but nobody told me. on friday night I rang to see how she was and was told to come down quick - I was shocked. When I got there at 12 pm she wasn't conscious and that last time I saw her she didn't know I was there - She didn't say goodbye and that hurts so much. My brother didn't make it until saturday morning and she died at 6am - he didn't see her at all.

I still feel angry that I wasn't told she was asking for me or that the end was so near - probably trying to spare my feelings, but it has made it much worse now.

Even now I am crying and feeling sad writting this. Time does help, but it won't completely remove the pain or the numbness, but it will get better - I promise.

Plant a bush or tree for your nana, but she is with you everywhere and you don't need a special place.

hankc35

my Nana was 90, and suffering various old age related ailments mainly crippling arthritis and angina

I think that you may need to take a different perspective.

Maybe it would be more positive to celebrate that you had your nana for so long? many peoples grandparents die when they are alot younger, late 60's early 70's and totally miss out on having grandparents, at the end of the day we all have to die and reaching 90 is a huge achievment, I think you are very lucky to have had her for so long.

My other thought is I have never been 90, and I hope that I never will have to be 90 because the thought of having crippling arthritis and angina fills me with horror, would you have prefered that she kept struggeling through "crippeling arthritis" simply so that you could avoid having to deal with all this?

Be positive, celebrate her life, but be realistic, it comes to us all. We all have to live with loss, nobody escapes, its better to learn how to deal with it and not let it become a blight on your life, because in a blink of an eye you might be 90 as well.