Bereavement Problems

KittyKate

Hi all. Well, a bit of background.

I live in the city doing a very stressy job. My parents are divorced, my mum (a qualified nurse) had been living with my Nana as her full time carer for about two years, my Nana was 90, and suffering various old age related ailments mainly crippling arthritis and angina. But she was sound of mind and would chat away as always.

Last October my mum called to say my Nana had been taken into hospital suffering an angina attack. Well, long story short they kept her in on an extended stay - she wanted to go home so badly. All I can remember is her saying 'I cant stand the night, the pain...' it was heartbreaking. I was given compassionate leave a few times to visit her in the day in hospital.

One week I arranged with my mum that I'd visit my Nana on the Friday afternoon and arranged another compassionate leave half day with work - the only half day they could allow me, I wanted to go sooner. On the Thursday evening, late, I went to Woolworth's and bought her one of those little battery black and white TVs so she could watch soaps as I knew she was bored in the hospital.

Friday morning I went to work with the TV and I was on the phone when my mobile rang. My boyfriend, who works in the same office, answered it and it was my mum crying hysterically. All I could hear my bf say to my mum was 'oh my god i am so sorry, i am so sorry' and I just knew.

My Nana died on the Thursday night but by the time my mum had gotten to the hospital and everything she decided to call around and break the news to everyone in the morning. I was given the rest of the day off work but my mum said she wanted to be alone and to come over the next day. I went home alone (work wouldnt allow my bf to leave too ) and cried and cried. Then I went numb.

I stayed strong for my mum and managed to hold myself back during the funeral, cremation (even when I had to kiss the coffin), because if I started to cry I knew I wouldn't stop.

Now 6 months on I still feel numb. I am on the verge of tears whenever I think about my Nana and how she was dying/already dead by the time I went to buy her a gift and I didn't know. I wish so much I'd visited sooner and stuff work.

Now we have found out that she died of a bug common in hospitals (like MRSA). No-one in the ward was tested for it when another patient died of it or when my Nana died. None of our family were told or tested and could have caught it. It makes me livid that if she had stayed at home she would still be alive today (I know she would have died eventually but it wasn't fair she was alone, frightened, none of us could say goodbye.

I don't know how to move on. It's my birthday in 2 weeks and the thought of not getting a card from her breaks my heart. My mum had to move out of my Nanas council house and back home so we don't even have a place to sit and remember her. There is a plaque in the crematorium garden but to be honest I don't feel a connection with it, it's such a depressing place and it's not the way I choose to think of her. How can I get over this choking, choking feeling in my throat?

spud30

Kitty,

You dont have to be in a specific place to remember your Nan love.

You can do that anywhere, even in a cafe with a cuppa.

My parents were both cremated, and I have never felt the need to visit the gardens. They aren't there, we dont even have a plaque. I think about them wherever I am, never a day goes by.

I didnt make it to be with my mum either when she passed away. It was very sudden, and she was only in her 40s. She would've understood that I couldn't be there 24/7.

As for your choking feeling, it could be that you need grief counselling. Maybe go and have a word with your GP. The grief does need to come out at some stage.

:grouphug:

Quackers

to begin with.

It sounds to me like you need to sit yourself down and cry and cry and cry until you run out of tears. You know the sort of crying that makes your body shake and snot pour from your nose? That kind of cry.

I didn't cry too much after my Nan died and we were really really close. I was with her when she died and didn't even cry then. I felt similar to you - I had to be strong for everyone else.

I finally broke down on the way to the crem in the car and totally freaked my girls out The thing is I haven't cried too much since. I've got a lot of other stuff going on too thats stressing me out and I'm not sure if this is how you feel but I think 'well, if I start sobbing, I wont stop and it wont achieve anything'. I know I'm wrong and I know I need a good sob but, and how sad is this, I haven't really got the time

When my Grandad died I wasn't there and I forgot to kiss him goodbye the last time I saw him.

I'd promised my Nan a bunch of flowers on the Friday - she died the early hours of Friday morning - I spent a long time wishing I'd gone up on the wed or Thurs.

I think everyone could do a what if to a close relative who died. We all have regrets - its got to be the most natural thing in the world.

I hope you do have a lovely birthday. Mine was 4 weeks after my Nan died and I was soooooo sad at not getting a card. It was one of the saddest times ever. This time round was easier. As people say time is a great healer - its really corny but so so true.

I'm waffling now - I'm good at that.

Keep your chin up. Talk to someone - what about talking about your Nan to your mum or another relative or your boyfriend. It doesn't have to be all sad - talk about the good times - end up crying with laughter at the silly things she may have done. If you've got no-one to talk to feel free to pm me.

Take care xxx

nearlyrich

My dad died over 16 years ago, I was there when he died and I spent a lot of time with him in the weeks leading up to his death from cancer. Sometimes for no apparant reason I feel the need to cry and even though I KNOW I did everything I could for him I still feel guilty. Your Nana knew you loved her and were on your way to see her, you have nothing to feel guilty about. As spud says you might benefit from grief counselling, try to see your GP soon.

Tulip

Kitty,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss,think of the good memories you had with your Nan,sorry I cant say more apart from in time the pain will be less.

*hugs*

Katie

Agutka

I had the opportunity to look after my grandmother for two whole months leading up to her death - they discharged her from hospital as nothing more could be done. At first it was easy - she was just weak and still could look after herself and me (great cook ). But gradually her liver coped less and less, leaving her confused, then unable to stand, then unable to sit up. I was far from my home and missed it terribly, and watching that lovely lady deteriorate was heartbraking. Her confusion (would say weird things, try to get out of bed and fall down) was dangerous, then she stopped sleeping and I'm sure I had a minor nervous breakdown due to exhaustion. By the time she passed away, after a final two week torture, I did not shed a single tear, as I knew her pain was gone. I wasn't there when it happened, as I was at the pharmacy picking up morphine. Eventually, the guilt set in. That I didn't do enough, that I didn't talk to her enough. That I spent all that time trying to get her to sleep. That I promised it would all be okay (that one still gets me, for how do we know what happens next).
I has now been a year and the pain has lessened. I have fond memories from that time, like the last time she sat in the chair as we sang and danced around the room with her daughters, the smile on her face. And how loving she was when she first got proper painkillers (it was the pain making her angry).
But I still cry all the time - coming across memories, photos, her items, TV shows about illness or old age.

There is nothing you could have done better, quicker, more. Talk to her in your mind, listen to the things she might actually tell you - and that will be: that she was thankfull for a granddaughter like you and that she misses you and that she's still with you. And on your birthday have a cry as you remember the things you had, then get on with your life and be happy, otherwise she will be tutting at you!

mentaljessie

I'm sorry to here of your loss and all I can say is the pain eases with time. My Grandad bless him left me 8 years ago and my God do I still miss him. This too like you left me with depression and I felt I could never go on, and I do to this day feel my life wold be more more enriched if he was here with me.
It is true to say I had a much closer relationship with my Grandad than I ever did with my Dad or Step Dad, but if I'd never cared for him through his cancer or been at the receiving end of his challenging behaviour then i wouldn't be a student nurse now. All I can say is I've learn't from my experiences and used this in my personal and professional life. Time does ease the pain and you always have the photos and memories to remind you.

rainbowrisin

((((((hugs)))))
It is okay to take as much time as you need to come to terms with your nan dying. People grieve at different rates.
It's cliched, but time does heal eventually.
Do talk about your nan with your friends and family. At first every time you mention her it's so hard and there's so much sadness, but as time passes you will be able to remember all the lovely things about her without so much raw sorrow as you have at the moment.
A bereavement counsellor may help, or, if you have religious affiliations (or even if you don't), then talking things through with a local priest, vicar, rabbi, imam or similar may be of some comfort to you.
Good luck. ((((((hugs)))))).

KittyKate

Thankyou all so much. I am coping but I can't get over how numb I feel, but can so easily and unexpectedly burst into tears when I see an old lady who looks a bit like my Nana (which isn't hard as she had white permed hair, most old ladies do!) or I hear a particular song, or I pass her bungalow where someone else moved in less than a month after her death.

I not only feel bitterly dissapointed in myself for not pushing myself harder to visit (I had more opportunities but I hated seeing her so ill, I thought she'd come home), I don't feel I can talk to my mum because she's really cut up still and I don't want to upset her, my dad though sympathetic hadn't seen my Nana for 10 years because of the divorce and thinks that she is not in pain now, sort of thing, which I agree, but it doesn't help me! And I have spoken to my BF but to be honest because nothing 'new' happens, ie, I have one issue, grief, we just go round in circles.

I am seriously considering seeing a bereavement counsellor. I have changed jobs unfortunately and my new boss is a right cow so we'll see if she allows the time off. I might email the Samaritans for advice locally too?

Thanks again everyone it really is reassuring that sometime this pain will pass and the happy memories of staying over at Nana's when I was small, telling her how much I loved Jason Donovan and can I have a blue riband, please?

mclaren_2

im really sorry i cant help much but all i can say is if you need to cry, do. get it all out. your nan KNEW you loved her and knew you wanted to be with her all the time - she knows this.

you need to get your grief out. no shame in crying - and just remember - you have all those VERY happy memories with her.....

iwanttosave_2

My nana used to give me blue ribands

I was the same with mine, she died last year two days after valentines day. We only found out she had cancer just after christmas, she had been hiding it from us for months until it got too bad. I was pregnant at the time, and I was willing her (for my own selfish reasons) to hang on.

I used to care for my nana once she got too ill, I had to bathe her, take her to the toilet, feed her, I used to lie on the bed with her with her hand on my tummy whilst she talked to the baby. Now it all got a bit too much for me, near the end she got right down to about 5 stone in weight, and was very emaciated, and at times I couldnt bear to look at her, she wasnt my nana anymore.

The day before she died, I was ill, I had sciatica and SPD so I asked my mum if she didnt mind going alone to her so I could have a bit off time to myself, to rest (I was six months pregnant) I phoned nana at her bedtime to say goodnight and that I would see her in the morning. Next morning I was awoken by a phone call at 8:12am and all I could hear was my mum breathing, that was it, I knew. She had died that morning after my cousin went downstairs to make her a cup of tea.

I felt evil for taking that night off, I wanted to be there, she was alone when she died and I shouldnt have let that happen.

You need to have a good sit down, get out some old photos, or just memories and let yourself cry, do it till your throat hurts, only then can you move on and start to feel better. I still have my days, when my little one does something that she would have liked, or when it was her birthday but there is nothing in this world I can do about it, its a sad fact but a true one at that.