I'm in a right pickle

Glitterari

I really sympathise with your situation.

But I do think your Mum is taking the pi$$ - if she does not have any debt, she should not be allowing you to rack up the debt to subsidise her. Your siblings are HER responsibility - she should be the one giving them 'school money' and sorting the bills and also finding a suitable childminder. Yeah, help out with the kids every now and then but on the whole she should not be relying on you so heavily!

Yes, if you're still living at home it is only fair that you should give something towards housekeeping which you already are. Also - the 'uni years' are supposed to be the best years of your life - you should be able to go and enjoy them without all the extra pressure.

And the fact that she tells you that you 'ruined her life' well that is just disgusting behaviour from her. If I were you, I would be tempted to take out the student loan (to help with the higher APR debts) and move out of there. It wouldn't help your financial situation (well it might do actually cos you wouldn't be subsidising her all of the time) that much but at least it would give you more freedom.

I know I sound harsh - you sound like an absolute star and there are not many people around your age who would do the same as you (i was far too selfish back then :rolleyes: ) but please don't allow yourself to be a door mat.

Hugs

Georgia_3

Your mum cannot keep resenting you for the opportunities you have -you have to live your own life. The pressure on you must be enormous

I was in a similar situation to you whilst at uni-financially propping up the family (one parent was very ill,the other caring for him and holding down a job, I also had one much younger sibling to support). Am also the eldest daughter and it was very difficult to talk to my mum for a long while after my father died. She got herself into a bit of a pickle financially and I bailed her out a lot but it just kept happening again and again and I got into bad debt. At some point I had to say enough is enough and stopped propping up the family. Persuaded her to seek help from CAB and Payplan for the debts and didn't give in, despite many arguments, emotional blackmail and threats of suicide. She loved me but resented me-felt her life was over when my dad died, yet that my whole life was before me and she'd never get to do all the things she wanted to do.

We're a few years on now and I'm so glad I stuck it out. She has payment plans set up with creditors and has gained a lot of confidence from taking it all on herself. I think a little bit of her hated me for being so "capable." When I stopped being the family bank, she learnt how to be just as capable. Didn't like it at first but through it she found confidence and self respect. Our relationship improved to the point where I was able to ask about her hopes and dreams and listen-and challenge her views that it was too late to do these things she wanted to do. She does the odd course now, has new hobbies and is moving towards a new career. Slowly she has rebuilt her confidence and I feel like a daughter again, not a parent.

It's going to be very hard, but you need to take a stand both for yourself and your mum. You've done a wonderful thing but now is the time to let her stand on her own two feet-for her sake as well as yours.

mocolo

Hi there inafinancialmess,

I think it is hard when you are s close to your family, you do have to think about you. You can still be a caring son/daughter and have an independent life. i know because I have done it.

good luck
Mocolo

WesternExpress

inafinancialmess wrote:

Its a Young Students Bursary I from the Students Awards Agency for Scotland (SAAS) which I qualify for based on mums income and her 3 dependents. So yeah its free. Ive been offered the student loan by I don't like the idea of more debt. However SAAS and Student Loans have told me how much I would get this year if I want to take it which is £2500 I believe so if I did take it, it would help. The first installment and my bursary could wipe more than a third along with the OT I can do when they back to school in 2 weeks. It's been a long summer. Once again I'm in on saturday night on babysititng duty.

It may still be worth looking into having a Student Loan as it is usually at a much lower APR than commercial rates and you don't have to pay back until you are in gainful employment. You may also then be able to see if your Uni has any extra hardship funds. There will be someone in your Uni that is there to advise students in debt, try and get an appointment to talk things through with them (ideally take your mother as well).

Good luck with it all

beverleyhills

inafinancialmess wrote:

We don't have a great relationship. She resents me for the chances I've has in life that she didnt. She and Dad had me when they were 16, she more or less think I ruined her life and she isn't shy about telling me

You mother should be proud that she has brought up a child who has been able to take the opportunities available.

Don't be ground down by emotional blackmail and made to feel guilty.

You need help to work out a strategy to deal with Mum. Is there a counselling service at uni?

Make sure that you look after yourself.

james32_uk

Loads of good info in the above. To help you get back on your feet I suggest you get that student loan. More debt is not normally an answer but this is debt at a very low rate that you wont have to pay back until you are on a decent wage. What is important it that you use this money to pay off other debts that are costing you far more to service. It looks like you can pay off the majority of your debts with one years loan. Plus you can (and should) apply for more as you are in financial hardship. This is easy, simply go and see the student loans officer once you're back at uni next year. They simply need a quick look at your outgoings and income to make a decision how much extra you can get. Cut up those cards when youve paid them off too!

The very best of luck!

tesuhoha

I tell you what, I wish you were my daughter. I still want the daughter I've got, but i'd like you too. Your mum is so lucky to have you and she doesnt appreciate you at all. She should be proud of you and glad that you can achieve what she has not been able to. My daughter doesnt work most of the time, she is at uni and I support her as much as I can. She has a loan but uses it to live on. I value both my kids very highly and I feel so sorry for you because you just dont deserve this kind of treatment and you should be given every chance in life. You are doing your utmost to help out and you are a wonderful daughter. Your mother sounds selfish and ungrateful and she doesnt realise what a treasure shes got.

inafinancialmess

Thank you to everyone for the useful advice and kind words. Is there anything else you feel I should do?

WesternExpress

Just hang on in there and don't let your studies suffer. Also find time to enjoy yourself.

inafinancialmess

Hello all.

Thank you for all the kind words and advice you gave me. Thought I would give an update on how I'm getting on. I decided to stop my gym membership and joined the jogging club on sunday mornings with 3 of my friends for £2 a week and doing a salsa class with them too on friday nights now for £2 a week as well, saving in total £11 a month, not lots but the added bonus is getting to socialise with my friends which was not happening before. Decided to snowball the cards, heres the figs for the end of August.

Barclaycard £650 now £570
Egg £500 now £480
Capital One £590 now £ 570
Virgin £400 now £ 390
BOS £496 now £486
New Look Store Card £220 now £210
Arcadia Store Card £190 now £180

Total before: £3046 now £2886

I had a chat with mum and made her realise that we need to reevaluate our living situation.

Phoned SAAS about my support to see if it was right, turns out they should have been giving me way more of a bursary so this years will be just over £1000 more and they are giving me the extra £900 they say I should have had last year into my account next week so its getting flung at the highest interest cards.

I've also done nearly 40 hours overtime this month after working out times with my mum which will mean and extra £360 in my september pay subject to tax of course but all going towards my debt!