I'm in a right pickle

inafinancialmess

Hello everyone!

A bit of background first, I'm a 20 year old student with 2 years at uni left. I am the oldest of four children. 3 years ago my dad left us, I have 3 brothers now 12, 8 and 5. My mum was a total mess and lots of stuff fell to me to take care of, including my brothers. I organised her accounts so we could still pay the mortgage, bills etc and scrape by. I even took on a 20 hour a week (low paid) job while still in school. I know work 14 hours on good money. On my first day at uni, I actually turned 18 that day I was more or less forced into getting a student barclaycard. I was so niave as lots of us are at that point and saw it as the solution to our problems. Biggest mistake of my life. I got sucked into the I can have it now culture and saw it as the easiest way to cope with all the family pressure and was getting credit thrown at me. I think I would be ok if stuff didnt keep happening. I had to pay £100 to fix my laptop this month.

I think it should be compulsory that all schools teach students about banking and we all come out so niave.

Seen from other posts that you'll need my SOA so here goes

Income: £650pm (I work 14hrs pw so some months with OT its more)
£150pm extra when I break down my student bursary into 12 months although it paid in 3 lumps, September, January and April.

Expenditure: Digs to mum £100
Car Insurance share £25
Mobile £50 (although thanks to stupid siblings ringing game shows without asking last month was £156 grrrrrrrrr)
My share of Telewest Internet, Phone and Cable £25
Life Insurance £10
Travel to uni £640 per year £80 for 8 months tho I get about 3/4s back every April
Petrol £20pm
Gym £29
Birthday club at work £4
Savings £25

Debts: Barclaycard £650 min £18pm
Egg £500 min £11pm
Capital One £590 min £18pm
Virgin £400 min £12pm
BOS £496 min £15pm
New Look Store Card £220 min £9pm
Arcadia Store Card £190 min £9pm

Total Debt: £3460
Edit:Clearly I cannot add or type as this comes to £3046

Total Outgoings: £460

although this doesnt count all the stuff I seem to suppliment including most weeks kids school money, them going places, extra grocerys for the house, random bills mum hasn't taken care of, laptop repair (mentioned above) etc. I dont do what other students do, go out drinking etc, I barely see my friends as I can't afford to do what they want.

I hate that I've allowed this to happen, I feel stupid and I just want to cry. Im thinking when I get my first installment in September that I just pay off as much as poss.

tanith

you have come to the right place.... loads of people here will be able to make useful suggestions......

Have a (((((( hug )))))) what a tough time you have had, in no time there will be lots of helpful suggestion to help you cope with your debts.....well done for asking for help:T

inafinancialmess

Thank you tanith I appreciate what you've said espec the hugs

Bossyboots

I have ummed and ahhed about how to answer but I have to go with my instinct, albeit you might think the answer is harsh.

It is not your responsibility to prop up your mum and siblings. While you bail her out she will never learn to manage what money she has and your siblings are not going to learn about money management either.

The time has come to tell you mum that you have got into debt because you have been supplementing the household and you cannot do it any longer. While I really do understand why you have helped out so far, you should not be expected to continue to do this. It is time for your mum to get herself and her family in order and let you have your own life and get yourself sorted out.

Easy for me to say and tough for you to do but what happens in a couple or few years time when you want to find your own place? Better to get your mum coping now while you are there to guide her and undoubtedly still sub her to some extent than to leave her high and dry or worse still, be stuck at home long after you should be because you still contribute to her finances.


Edited to add - I think you are really lovely to have helped out the way you have. Not many youngsters would do so but you have your own life to live and these years should be your most carefree.

CLAPTON

you seem to be a very wonderful person helping your mother and brothers like you do.

you do really need to determine where all your money actually goes.
all that extra stuff needs to be identified and added to the SoA and properly budgetted for. at the moment it 'looks' like income 800, spending only 640 so there should be a surplus....i'm sure in practice there isn't but you must work out where it actually goes and budget for it properly. i'm sure much of it is spent on the children but you'll need to explain to them that you can only afford a certain amount and once its spent it spent and so no more until next month. but first you need to work out where its going....start a spending diary and write down everything you actually spend; after a month or so you'll have a better idea. include everything, extras on the housekeeping, school related stuff, presents, do you buy lunches at work, clothes ... everything

once you've done this you can think what needs to be reduced/eliminated from your spending.

as far as the mobile is concerned can you transfer to PAYG and only keep a little money on it so the youngsters can't 'accidentally ' waste money.

in your situation the gym is a luxory you can't currently afford.

as far as the debts are concerned , find out the APRs on each of the cards..pay the minimum on all the cards but pay any surplus you have on the card with the highest APR... this will reduce the overall interest you pay.

jessicamb

inafinancialmess wrote:

Hello everyone!

A bit of background first, I'm a 20 year old student with 2 years at uni left. I am the oldest of four children. 3 years ago my dad left us, I have 3 brothers now 12, 8 and 5. My mum was a total mess and lots of stuff fell to me to take care of, including my brothers. I organised her accounts so we could still pay the mortgage, bills etc and scrape by.Is she getting all the tax credits/benefits she is entitled to? I even took on a 20 hour a week (low paid) job while still in school. I know work 14 hours on good money.As a student you probably shouldnt do any more than this without it affecting your studies On my first day at uni, I actually turned 18 that day I was more or less forced into getting a student barclaycard. I was so niave as lots of us are at that point and saw it as the solution to our problems. Biggest mistake of my life. I got sucked into the I can have it now culture and saw it as the easiest way to cope with all the family pressure and was getting credit thrown at me. I think I would be ok if stuff didnt keep happening. I had to pay £100 to fix my laptop this month.

I think it should be compulsory that all schools teach students about banking and we all come out so niave.

Seen from other posts that you'll need my SOA so here goes

Income: £650pm (I work 14hrs pw so some months with OT its more)
£150pm extra when I break down my student bursary into 12 months although it paid in 3 lumps, September, January and April.

Expenditure: Digs to mum £100
Car Insurance share £25Is this as cheap as possible? Try a price comparison site when it is due for renewal
Mobile £50 (although thanks to stupid siblings ringing game shows without asking last month was £156 grrrrrrrrr)Switch to PAYG as this is really high, and make the little beggars pay off the balance for your phone bill - sell some of their stuff on ebay
My share of Telewest Internet, Phone and Cable £25 This seems an expensive package, ditch the cable if you can or get it down to the minimum package. The kids will moan but they arent paying for it
Life Insurance £10 I dont think you really need this at this point in your life.
Travel to uni £640 per year £80 for 8 months tho I get about 3/4s back every April
Petrol £20pm
Gym £29Far too expensive - can you use a uni gym cheaper/switch to a cheaper subscription.
Birthday club at work £4
Savings £25 No point saving when you have debts - use any savings you have to pay off the balances of debts. Youre not saving anything while interest is adding up on the bills.

Debts: Barclaycard £650 min £18pm APRs please
Egg £500 min £11pm
Capital One £590 min £18pm
Virgin £400 min £12pm
BOS £496 min £15pm
New Look Store Card £220 min £9pm
Arcadia Store Card £190 min £9pm

Total Debt: £3460
Edit:Clearly I cannot add or type as this comes to £3046

Total Outgoings: £460

although this doesnt count all the stuff I seem to suppliment including most weeks kids school moneyLook at free school meals, them going places, extra grocerys for the house, random bills mum hasn't taken care of, laptop repair (mentioned above) etc. I dont do what other students do, go out drinking etc, I barely see my friends as I can't afford to do what they want. The main issue is your mother and her relationship with money. What is she contributing financially?

I hate that I've allowed this to happen, I feel stupid and I just want to cry. Im thinking when I get my first installment in September that I just pay off as much as poss.

What does your mother do to work? It reads to me as though she does a job but is very bad with money and leaves you to pick up the slack. Being part of a family is important but you cant subsidise your family and be a student. She needs to take some control and help you both get back on your feet.

inafinancialmess

Bossyboots wrote:

I have ummed and ahhed about how to answer but I have to go with my instinct, albeit you might think the answer is harsh.

It is not your responsibility to prop up your mum and siblings. While you bail her out she will never learn to manage what money she has and your siblings are not going to learn about money management either.

The time has come to tell you mum that you have got into debt because you have been supplementing the household and you cannot do it any longer. While I really do understand why you have helped out so far, you should not be expected to continue to do this. It is time for your mum to get herself and her family in order and let you have your own life and get yourself sorted out.

Easy for me to say and tough for you to do but what happens in a couple or few years time when you want to find your own place? Better to get your mum coping now while you are there to guide her and undoubtedly still sub her to some extent than to leave her high and dry or worse still, be stuck at home long after you should be because you still contribute to her finances.


Edited to add - I think you are really lovely to have helped out the way you have. Not many youngsters would do so but you have your own life to live and these years should be your most carefree.

I realise I need to do this and I don't think your being harsh, its been what I've known I should have done for a long time.
I just seem to calm myself with the knowledge that when I graduate Im going straight into a job with a £20k salary increasing to £40k in seven years so I know within a few months in this job I'll be sorted if not before then but I know its my mum I need to sort out. I just can't seem to work out how to approach it.

Mrs_Arkwright

I agree about the life insurance, you don't need it. You don't have any children or a partner that would be left in financial trouble if you were to pop your clogs. Ditch it.

inafinancialmess

CLAPTON wrote:

you seem to be a very wonderful person helping your mother and brothers like you do.

you do really need to determine where all your money actually goes.
all that extra stuff needs to be identified and added to the SoA and properly budgetted for. at the moment it 'looks' like income 800, spending only 640 so there should be a surplus....i'm sure in practice there isn't but you must work out where it actually goes and budget for it properly. i'm sure much of it is spent on the children but you'll need to explain to them that you can only afford a certain amount and once its spent it spent and so no more until next month. but first you need to work out where its going....start a spending diary and write down everything you actually spend; after a month or so you'll have a better idea. include everything, extras on the housekeeping, school related stuff, presents, do you buy lunches at work, clothes ... everything

once you've done this you can think what needs to be reduced/eliminated from your spending.

as far as the mobile is concerned can you transfer to PAYG and only keep a little money on it so the youngsters can't 'accidentally ' waste money.

in your situation the gym is a luxory you can't currently afford.

as far as the debts are concerned , find out the APRs on each of the cards..pay the minimum on all the cards but pay any surplus you have on the card with the highest APR... this will reduce the overall interest you pay.

I dont buy lunch at work, I work in the evenings til 10. I would love to do overtime through the day at the moment as it is there but I'm the free babysitter til mum gets home.

I know I need to get rid of the gym however, I've been putting it off as its the only place I find peace. Im thinking of joining a sunday morning jogging club instead for £2 a week. Re mobile Im locked into my contract til January.

jessicamb

inafinancialmess wrote:

I realise I need to do this and I don't think your being harsh, its been what I've known I should have done for a long time.
I just seem to calm myself with the knowledge that when I graduate Im going straight into a job with a £20k salary increasing to £40k in seven years so I know within a few months in this job I'll be sorted if not before then but I know its my mum I need to sort out. I just can't seem to work out how to approach it.

Can you sit with mum and help her figure out her own SOA? This could be a good step to opening discussions. Its obvious you really care about her and your brothers and she will see that.

Can you print show her your post on here - maybe seeing things in black and white will help?

Bossyboots

inafinancialmess wrote:

I realise I need to do this and I don't think your being harsh, its been what I've known I should have done for a long time.
I just seem to calm myself with the knowledge that when I graduate Im going straight into a job with a £20k salary increasing to £40k in seven years so I know within a few months in this job I'll be sorted if not before then but I know its my mum I need to sort out. I just can't seem to work out how to approach it.

My suggestion is to sit her down when the other children are not around (even if you have to make arrangements for them to not be around) and simply tell her that you feel you have tried to do your best to help her out but that you have got yourself into a lot of debt doing so and that now you both need to review the household situation.

It is not going to be easy and if it was me, I would be angry and upset with myself for putting my child in that situation and not noticing how it was affecting them. You will need to reassure her that you are not blaming her, explain that it sort of crept up on you too and that you both need to take steps to work out the best way forward.