10 y.o. son being completely oppositional to me, getting me down. How to stop it?

lynzpower

DVardysShadow wrote: »

Do you try him on blokey tasks rather than girly tasks? If lego has fascinated him at some stage, perhaps he needs something more challenging? Someone has suggested mecanno. Model railway? Electronics? Computer programming? Lawnmower maintenance? Redecorate the bathroom? The fact that the guitar lesson was good suggests to me that he is up for something challenging - the whole situation cries out to me that it will not be solved in the discipline dimension - discipline will only make it worse - it will be solved by allowing him to become engaged with something which matches his development needs. And possibly probably his interests and capabilities are mature enough for him to need to develop into doing something outwith your interest or involvement. Obviously, the guitar shows that he is not necessarily totally bound to you and you are providing some scope, but I feel he may need more.

Following this idea, could he start growing some seeds to "feed the family" Even a tray of lettuce leaves for a lovely burger or salad would give him the opportunity to contribute in a meaningful way. Something JUST he does.

I think caring responsibilities- be it a pet or seedlings help build the feelings of responsibility and empathy. If he doesnt water those seedlings, or turn them or learn about the science of what they need, they might disappoint.

I know i was v oppositional ( still am in my own little way I never had any real responsibilities really. One thing I had was plenty of time, expanding out. I was constantly BORED. Everything that my parents suggested was BORING. They were TOTALLY SAD for thinking I would want to XYZ. Mum always said "if you are that bored run to the corner shop and get me a stamp" i managed to find something a lot more interesting to do in the end.

Did you praise him for the good lesson? Did you reflect that he can "pull it out of the bag".

He is just testing YOU. He didnt want to play up the guitar teacher.

bonty44

bumpybecky wrote: »

We realised about 2-3 months ago that although we were taking things off her for bad behaviour, we were very bad about giving it back again if she was good.

That's a really good point actually; sometimes they feel as if they've dug such a big hole for themselves they really don't know how to get themselves out of it.

Gingham_Ribbon

easy wrote: »

Gingham Ribbon, I fully agree with your point that strong will is an asset, and could well stand him in good stead in later life. But he also has to learn to co-operate with those around him, not fight with everyone just because life doesn't go his way. One thing he seems short of is 'empathy'. He has trouble in seeing other's point of view, or appreciating how we feel if he is horrid to us. This has got him into trouble at school too, before now (one teacher suggests he has autism because of this factor alone).

Yes, I agree. I believe my post included ways to try to change this about him. If he's oppositional and you're oppositional, then there will be a fight. If you refuse to get into it with him and instead make sure that there are clear consequences to his behaviour AND you show that you understand his feelings and are prepared to listen to him, you MAY find that things improve.

The lack of empathy is something worth speaking to the teacher about again. He's young enough to benefit from a referal to children's services to check that there's not a problem that needs a different approach.

zfrl

zfrl wrote: »

He will have loads of energy and nowhere to get rid of it apart from winding you up.

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Why would this necessarily be the case? What about sports/playing with his friends/riding his bike/cubs etc.?

Healthy 10 year olds have lots of outlets for expending energy!

Because he is being grounded!

Spendless

easy wrote: »

He has 14 tonnes of lego, what seems like 50,000 toys and a whole library in his bedroom to keep him occupied when PC or Wii are banned, but always complains he has "nothing to doooooo" !!

When my 10 yo 'moved on' from Lego lat summer. He started playing with k'nex instead. Mine was donated by a mate with older boys who was moving house and wanted rid. My own son prefers to make his own stuff with it., like he did with lego. We've had movable cranes and cars and he's currently working on a plane he's convinced he can get flying.:D For us k'nex has bridged the gap between lego which has more or less outgrown and more technical stuff he'd currently need a hand with.

I forgot to say this though Gingham fetched it up, when I was having the same sort of problems one of the other things we did was focussed on what he was good at and did that together. In my case we went swimming together. I realise your disability may restrict you but is there something you could work on in this area?

The other thing is I discovered some of these tips at a Parenting class. I had never heard of reflections of feelings before, but this one works well for us. I do a number of vocational and non vocational courses within my area, some at my kids school whatever comes up really and I did this one called 'What can a Parent Do?', run by Families First. Unfortunately as my husband was seriously ill in the middle of it and I missed a few classes I never got the accumulative effect so I decided to do the Webster Stratton Incredible years as well when it came round. I didn't like this as much, most likely as DS was at the top end of the age range as the course was running though I do understand there is another for older children. Maybe this is something you could look into too because as I say it gave me ideas I'd never heard of before. I made some great friends there too.