10 y.o. son being completely oppositional to me, getting me down. How to stop it?

catflea

Something one of my friends used when her little one was younger was a 1-2-3 technique.

When her Daughter was being very naughty she was warned that any mis-behaviour beyond the count of 3 would result in her favourite toy going in the bin. The first time she was warned she carried on beyond 3 - mother and Daughter both took favourite toy up to the binmen & saw it go in the back of the lorry.

All it takes now to reign the daughter in now is a strongly worded "ONE....."

Might be worth a go?

DVardysShadow

catflea wrote: »

Something one of my friends used when her little one was younger was a 1-2-3 technique.

When her Daughter was being very naughty she was warned that any mis-behaviour beyond the count of 3 would result in her favourite toy going in the bin. The first time she was warned she carried on beyond 3 - mother and Daughter both took favourite toy up to the binmen & saw it go in the back of the lorry.

All it takes now to reign the daughter in now is a strongly worded "ONE....."

Might be worth a go?

Thanked in error.

Not worth a go. Everyone is coming out with punitive 'solutions' but no one knows what the problem is. And this particular punitive solutions will teach him that his mother does not respect his property. He is too old to do this to him without causing a much worse problem.

bumpybecky

I've got one who pushes, it's very wearing. We realised about 2-3 months ago that although we were taking things off her for bad behaviour, we were very bad about giving it back again if she was good. We've got her on a sticker chart now and much to her inital disgust, it's working I made one on the PC, there are 8 levels as rows, for the top four levels each has a privilidge (PC, TV, Wii, DS) and she needs to be at the right level or higher before she can use that machine. There are lots of vertical lines and we agreed if she was good for each time period (before school, on way home from school, evening, bedtime) then she could go up a row and have a new sticker.

We found very quickly that although she might be horrid for a bit (so would go down a level or maybe two), most of the time she was OK (so could earn back her privilidges). Making the rewards for good behaviour more visual has been very effective for dd as well as us, as we can all see that most of the time she's in the top half of the chart, so isn't as naughty as we thought! (she just has her moments)

She has had a couple of huge strops since we started, one time tearing the chart up and shredding it over the floor. She spent a day and a half without a chart, so no way of earning back her toys (TV & PC access that she really missed). She asked very nicely if she could have her chart back! started at the bottom level and was back up to the top 2 days later

Spendless

Oh gosh I've also got a 10 year old son who was acting very similarly around 18 months ago. What helped .....I recognised that I was in a power struggle with him, sort of knowing that helped me keep calmer. He joined cubs where he's become a sixer that seemed to channel his energy and help his leadership qualities. I did reflections of feelings back to him this is where you don't offer a solution (often there isn't one) but say back and that made you feel cross because xxxxx, you were angry due to xxxx. He learnt consequences of actions not just the withdrawal of privileges but in your case I would let him answer the door to the guitar tutor in his PJs, either he'll go change or he'll do the lesson in his nightwear.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Sometimes kids can have so much stuff that they can't see anything they actually want to do. A major clear out of the gibble isn't so much a punishment as a way of making it obvious what he has or needs.

Perhaps even a 'well, as you're getting older, you're going to start getting better/more grownup things, so we need to make space'? Lego can be seen as a bit babyish at 10 - perhaps this could be a precursor to Meccano or something else more technical?

Then he could perhaps have 'that was good, clearing out all that stuff, wasn't it? I wonder what you could get with your wages now?' (thus sowing the seed for working again)

Or he remains a complete little - and you get rid of the lot, leaving him grounded with a bed, the bare minimum of clothes and his school stuff. Then he'll find out what boredom really is - he might even start working again just for something to do, which is when he gets one benefit, taken away if he plays up, increased by one thing if he continues positively, reduced by one if he plays up again.

Oh, and if he still refuses to get dressed after the grown up stuff, take photos and say that, as he looks soooooo sweet when sticking his bottom lip out, you're going to post them on facebook so everyone can see, smiling all the time.

Gingham_Ribbon

First of all, hang in there! We all have tough times as parents. I haven't had to deal with this as a parent yet as mine are much younger, but have dealt with it as a teacher. Some thoughts:

You're running out of sanctions, which tells me that punishing him isn't really getting the problem solved.

I believe in consequences for bad behaviour - answering the door and doing his guitar lesson in his pjs is a perfect example and I've done similar myself but I think punishment that isn't directly related to the incident isn't as effective and can lead to resentment. I especially think that taking away favourite things and, worse, throwing them away shows a lack of respect that can be difficult for children to deal with. I do however think that taking a toy away that has been thrown is perfectly reasonable as it's a direct consequence of the behaviour.

Strong will is a fantastic attribute and one that, channeled correctly, will help him his whole life long, but it's hard to deal with when you want them to bend to YOUR will! I was a strong willed child and I liked it when grown-ups listened to me and my ideas and my questions about why I was expected to do certain things. Conversation, acceptance and some compromise worked wonders on me when adults made the effort. Punishment worked too, but it just made me feel resentful and angry and I never felt it was needed as I was a reasonable kid.

Try reading 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk'.

And jump at the first opportunity he gives you to praise him and mean it! (Even if it's a 'Well done for listening to me when I said that. It was really important to me.')

Oldernotwiser

zfrl wrote: »

He will have loads of energy and nowhere to get rid of it apart from winding you up.

Why would this necessarily be the case? What about sports/playing with his friends/riding his bike/cubs etc.?

Healthy 10 year olds have lots of outlets for expending energy!

easy

wow, lots of responses while we were out (he did get dressed, and had a good lesson surprisingly, so we did go into town ......... altho with less time than I had previously planned)

For those of you who say he has too much energy.. he is in cubs, and does well there, but there are no cubs meetings during school holidays (did go to camp weekend before Easter). He isn't really a sporting type. We do try to get him involved, but now Dad is back at work, (and I'm disabled you see), it's harder. I did try to get him involved with the 'day camp' they run at the local leisure centre, but he doesn't enjoy it, and I can't 'send him away' to it if he doesn't want to go.

He does play out sometimes with a couple of mates, but both are away at the moment

I certainly won't throw toys in the bin. I believe we should all show respect to each other, and that includes us showing it to him. When he was little, and went thru a throwing phase, I would bin toys he threw at me/the dogs/down the stairs. I explained that if he thought sooo little of the toys, he didn't deserve to have them. The throwing stopped
But now he is older, I'm teaching him (or trying to) to have respect for his belongings, and those of other people. So no way can I dispose of his toys against his will (I can confiscate them for a period, if behaviour justifies it).

Gingham Ribbon, I fully agree with your point that strong will is an asset, and could well stand him in good stead in later life. But he also has to learn to co-operate with those around him, not fight with everyone just because life doesn't go his way. One thing he seems short of is 'empathy'. He has trouble in seeing other's point of view, or appreciating how we feel if he is horrid to us. This has got him into trouble at school too, before now (one teacher suggests he has autism because of this factor alone).

We will soldier on.. I know well that I will get a few more days of this, then he'll be much easier to deal with for a while.

Oh, if only they had told me how hard being a parent is .....

easy

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Lego can be seen as a bit babyish at 10

Just so you know, this isn't the case at all. My son adores his Lego (there are pretty advanced kits out these days you know), it's his favourite 'toy' , after the PC and the Wii.

Often, when sent to get dressed and not seen for over an hour (at weekends), he can be found in his bedroom, still in PJs or starkers, searching thru his boxes for just the right brick to complete a model.

DVardysShadow

Do you try him on blokey tasks rather than girly tasks? If lego has fascinated him at some stage, perhaps he needs something more challenging? Someone has suggested mecanno. Model railway? Electronics? Computer programming? Lawnmower maintenance? Redecorate the bathroom? The fact that the guitar lesson was good suggests to me that he is up for something challenging - the whole situation cries out to me that it will not be solved in the discipline dimension - discipline will only make it worse - it will be solved by allowing him to become engaged with something which matches his development needs. And possibly probably his interests and capabilities are mature enough for him to need to develop into doing something outwith your interest or involvement. Obviously, the guitar shows that he is not necessarily totally bound to you and you are providing some scope, but I feel he may need more.