Couples and individual finances.

Conor_3

One thing I've noticed on this board is how many long term couples and married people keep their finances completely seperate with one person being absolutely up to their eyeballs in debt and suffering much torment whilst the other has more than enough money. Usually the accrued debts are from the person in trouble trying to keep up their part of the monthly bills.

Both incomes pooled together would mean they were more than able to cope saving much. To me it seems utter madness as in many cases this has taken it to the point that relationships suffer and in a few cases, marriage breakups have been mentioned if they reveal the level of debt to their other half.

Can someone explain why this is? I can't get my head around it. Surely it is meant to be a partnership.

overbudget

I guess for some it is important to maintain some independence - and in some cases it has proved useful as one partner does not have the damaged credit record of the other.

I guess it is a very personal choice. My partner and I have completely shared finances - joint accounts, same credit card accounts, joint mortgage - and I can't imagine operating any other way - it is our money (or rather our debt ) not either mine or hers. But I know many long standing couples who have completely separate accounts because they want to stay financially independent.

8pnoodles

Me and OH are both in debt. We're gonna get married in six weeks(!). I am gonna be out of debt soon and he'll still have a fair long way to go. I've said I will try and help him pay off his debts.. but he is uncomfortable with this.

He ran up the debts so he wants to pay for them. He says if we ever split up, he wouldn't be able to pay me back the money.

Plus why should one partner have to sacrifice going out, buying stuff they want, having a savings plan, etc just because the other one ran up lots of debts (often before they got together?).

My bloke spent a lot of money on his ex girlfriends. Why should I now have to pay for that?

At the end of the day though we are compromising. He is going to help me get debt free completely, quicker than I could do alone, as my job security is in the balance. Once I'm debt free things will be easier. Then it's just his debts we have to worry about. I will help him pay them off as quickly as possible, as at some points in our lives together I KNOW we'll both be living off just his salary as he moves around a lot, I'll have to follow him and won't always be able to get a job straight away.

Plus we have joint projects for our money, we want to buy a house together, have kids together. It's very different when you are a couple ad one owns the house you both live in, or you don't intend to have kids, for example.

It also depends how committed you are to that relationship, most of us are cynical to know many many relationships don't work forever, and you may split up at some point, and not just because you might have rows about money.

I think disagreeing about money isn't necessarily the cause of relationship breakups, it's a symptom of something much deeper, and that can be the relationship is already on rocky ground, and hence you might be more likely to split.

nearlyrich

Conor wrote:

One thing I've noticed on this board is how many long term couples and married people keep their finances completely seperate

Different things work for different people, we have a joint account but keep our own accounts too, in 16 years we have never had a row about money.

Barcode

I'm a student, existing on about £7000 per year, whilst my partner is a finance executive for a multinational who has an income around (and no, I'm not exaggerating) around 20 times mine. We have been together three years.

I don't regard her income as mine or something that I am entitled to. I think that the dynamics in a gay relationship can be different though. In a heterosexual relationship, it seems more common to split the finances. I've heard of cases where one works whilst the other manages the money. I find that bizarre and would feel uncomfortable managing that which is not mine.

I have an overdraft which was £1200 last November. It is now £450. It is not a huge amount compared to some on this board, but I have made a real effort to pay it off bit by bit each month by making small changes. My partner could easily wipe it out with a small percent of her monthly pay cheque, but I'd rather not ask.

In October, I am likely going to have to find £3100 to fund my MA (if I don't get funding). My partner has offered in this case and I have made it clear that it is to be treated as a loan and I will pay her back a bit each month. I'll want to sign some sort of thing as well.

When I visit her here in Switzerland she pays for most of the groceries, the rent, the bills as I cannot afford to do so owing to the very high living costs. She does not ask me for money, but I pay a small amount each month I am here which is better than nothing.

Next year, she'll be looking for a job in England so we can live together. She has said she'll pay the rent and bills whilst I'm doing a PhD. I'm not entirely comfortable with this arrangement, but when I am eventually earning, I'll be able to pay my fair share.

She does occasionally buy me extravagant things. My 'reward' for graduating this year is a first-class trip to Australia (we go in two weeks). She has spent more on a plane ticket (never mind the hotels and tours) than I earn in a year. When I expressed my shock, she said 'don't worry about it as my annual bonus paid for it.' Sometimes I feel like I'm mixing in circles that I do not belong and it is easy to feel inadequate amongst these high-flying types talking about properties and investments.

If I ever reached the point where I could not afford to pay my rent and bills, then I might ask. I hate feeling like I owe another person something, and in the unlikely event of breaking up, I would not want to compound the stress by feeling like I had to pay the money back. Unless there is a child involved, I can't see the point in merging our finances.

nickyhutch

8pnoodles wrote:

Plus why should one partner have to sacrifice going out, buying stuff they want, having a savings plan, etc just because the other one ran up lots of debts (often before they got together?).

Because you love each other??

cryptokit

Myself and my wife have a joint account, but also still both have our individual accounts. This allows us to suprise each other (nicely!) from time to time, things like birthdays, etc. without the other seeing on an online statement "xyz gifts" or whatever!

Honesty is completely and utterly critical to most relationships - and I would personally say that has to include financial honesty. We promised to be together for richer or poorer, and both of us agreed to that. I think its changing the rules half way that causes so many people so much anguish.

kevin_M

me and my partner have individual accounts. for us it works better this way as she can overspend at times. she has no debt no creditcards etc as i cleared all her debts after i found a red letter or 2. after me doing that she decided she never wanted to be in debt again.

so some of my outstanding debt is hers. but atlest its all sorted now

Mrs_Sparkle

Hubby and I have individual accounts and individual bill-paying responsibilites. We both earn decent salaries yet both have debts and we find this way suits us. We have never argued about money so it works for us.

Luke

Conor wrote:

One thing I've noticed on this board is how many long term couples and married people keep their finances completely seperate with one person being absolutely up to their eyeballs in debt and suffering much torment whilst the other has more than enough money. Usually the accrued debts are from the person in trouble trying to keep up their part of the monthly bills.

Things often aren't that simple. Often one person within the relationship has no money for good reason. Take some serious examples where someone may be a gambling addict or alcoholic.

In a situation like that would you be willing to give them access to your account? I wouldn't.

niceshoes_2

I had a joint account with my ex and hated it. We used to use my monthly salary to pay all the household bills & insurances (I didn't earn alot back then) and his weekly wages were used to pay for shopping, petrol, going out etc. My wages were spent on things that he couldn't see, ie mortgage, council tax, gas, electric, phone, water. If I ever spent some of "his" money on new clothes, make up, house things, food shopping (we'd just moved out of parents so needed to buy housey things) etc, this would always lead to a row, as he would say that I was wasting "his" money. He would also say that he worked for nothing, as he felt that he should have more than his weekly allowance that we had, as the way he saw it, he earnt it! He would accuse me of spending all of his cash and leaving him with nothing, but it looked like that because it was always me out spending it - ie at the supermarket when I went food shopping, putting petrol in the cars etc. I'm sure he used to think that I spent it on what the hell I liked and viewed it as I was spending my wages and his too. What he didn't recognise was that all of my wages were spent on maintaining the house that we lived in. I hated it - used to have to sneak new purchases into the house then lie about them being new, in order to prevent a row. Looking back, he was a complete a*@ehole anyway, but I vowed that I wouldn't have another joint account, because of the way he made me feel.

With my partner now, we have seperate finances, seperate debts and pay for things seperatly. When Master Nice Shoes moved in, he offered to give me dig money but I refused, on the grounds that it was my mortgage, my home and if things went sour, he would not be able to show that he contributed to paying any of my mortgage off. He too, owns his own home, which is rented out, but we both maintain the 2 houses seperately. He pays for food shopping, sky, internet, tv license so it works out fairly even anyway.

We don't argue about money - what is left after I've paid my bills is mine to spend on what I choose and likewise for him. He goes on alot of England away trips and I think if that was funded from a joint account, then I would not be too happy about it, as his recent trips to Germany cost in excess of £1000, so our situation works for us. We don't argue about, if one can't afford something but the other can, then we often pay for the other. We go out and share the cost between us and that works. He can't complain if I buy 10 new pairs of shoes and likewise I can't complain if he spends his cash.

Just because we have seperate finances though, doesn't make us any less of a couple and our relationship is as strong as anyone elses - I don't think that the way you set up your finances really matters, as long as it works for the two of you. I don't love or trust him any less because we don't have a joint account.

Obviously, if our circumstances were different, ie we had kids and I didn't work, then things would have to be re negotitated, but for now we are still both financially independant, but that is not saying that we would see each other suffer, we don't.