Would you let this Dad see your children?

ben500

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

It's true he does have rights but if he wants to float back into his children's lives then he should be applying formally for contact. I suspect a character like that would tend to float right back out again when things aren't convenient any longer. I'd seriously consider requesting that he makes a financial contribution as a condition of contact, that might put things in perspective for him. I ruddy loathe parents who won't accept their long-term responsibilities to their children, whether financially and/or emotionally.

Selling access is ok though?

thorsoak

ben500 wrote: »

Yes he's their father he has rights.

But with rights comes responsibility .... he does not appear to have shown much of that, does he?

I can understand that if he is dying he may well wish to make his peace with his children ... but if I were in the mother's shoes, I too would need to see him and speak to him first before he saw the children that he had abandoned not once, but twice.

shaven-monkey

In answer to the OP : No.
He forfeited his rights when he walked out.
He wants nothing to do with the kids if he can't have the mother... It's not his paternal rights he's trying to get back.

ben500

thorsoak wrote: »

But with rights comes responsibility .... he does not appear to have shown much of that, does he?

I can understand that if he is dying he may well wish to make his peace with his children ... but if I were in the mother's shoes, I too would need to see him and speak to him first before he saw the children that he had abandoned not once, but twice.

I refrained from commenting on that for the simple reason we only have one side of the story, I can't imagine what valid reason he may have had myself but I don't discount that he may have had one. In any event the point is moot as the childrens access to the parent is paramount rather than the other way around, if he was to die being denied contact what do you suppose that would do to the children and their relationship to the mother if they found out he had attempted to but been denied?

viktory

tintingirl wrote: »

Hi, posting for a friend with a bit of a dilemma...

She has 3 children (11, 10 and 8) all by the same father. He left when the youngest was 6 weeks old. She's struggled alone since then, finding out her youngest was autistic at 18 months, working full time and coping the the usual financial worries, etc. But she's done a great job and they are a happy, close family.

Their Dad re-appeared a few years back, met my friend one day for a drink, saw the children that evening (the eldest two were completely over-excited) and tried to get my friend back. She let him know a few days later that she was not interested in him, but he could build a relationship with the children. He said if he couldn't have her then he didn't want the kids. My friend had to pick up the pieces with her very upset children.

Apart from that there has been no contact, no birthday cards, christmas cards, nothing. But now his friend has made contact and said that he has cancer and wants to see the children. He has not made contact himself, although he is currently living a normal life, not in hospital or anything yet.

Obviously she doesn't want to deny her children the right to know their Dad but it will be her picking up the pieces if he dies once they have a relationship with him (he says it's not curable). She feels the stability of her family life is threatened and she doesn't want him back in her life (he's very emotionally mixed-up, drinks and always took alot of drugs - speed and dope I think). Any thoughts? It's not a decision I would want to be making if I was her.

Without having read any other replies my initial answer is yes, I would let him see the children. Whatever he does in the future, I would want to be able to say that I had done everything in my power to ensure the children had the opportunity to have a relationship with their father. The fact that he is a selfish b@stard is unfortunate, very unfortunate for his children, but he is still their father. Picking up the pieces is something parents do, well into adulthood.

I would obviously insist on supervised visits of course, especially with the allegations of drinking and drug taking.

Gingham_Ribbon

tintingirl wrote: »

Thanks for all your comments. I think the "proof" is the issue, she decided she wanted to meet him for a chat, texted his friend to set it up and was advised by the friend to email her ex via Facebook. She found him on FB no problem, didn't message him straight away but spent a couple of hours thinking about what to say. When she went back to FB to message him, she found her ex had blocked her. So, I guess either it was a lie/exaggeration in the first place OR he doesn't really want to see the kids (or both). A total waste of 5 days worry and upset for my friend. The door is closed to him now.

I am a strong believer in the rights of fathers, but this is exactly what I would do too. What if she'd explained to the children that their father was dying and wanted to see them, then he rejected them AGAIN? I'd also explain why I thought it best to ignore any future attempts to contact them, in a child friendly way, and tell them that if they wanted to contact him, I'd try to help them, but I wouldn't let him call the shots in any way.

Errata

I'd suggest the OP asks the ex for the contact details of his MacMillan nurse who will be able to offer some family support. Even though the parents have been separated for years, the children and father are 'family'.

Gingham_Ribbon

Errata wrote: »

I'd suggest the OP asks the ex for the contact details of his MacMillan nurse who will be able to offer some family support. Even though the parents have been separated for years, the children and father are 'family'.

Although I would agree usually, what should she say to them? My ex may or may not have cancer, may or may not be dying and may or may not want to see us but at the moment won't let me contact him? I wouldn't want my children dealing with all that without knowing for sure there's something to deal with.

euronorris

tintingirl wrote: »

Thanks for all your comments. I think the "proof" is the issue, she decided she wanted to meet him for a chat, texted his friend to set it up and was advised by the friend to email her ex via Facebook. She found him on FB no problem, didn't message him straight away but spent a couple of hours thinking about what to say. When she went back to FB to message him, she found her ex had blocked her. So, I guess either it was a lie/exaggeration in the first place OR he doesn't really want to see the kids (or both). A total waste of 5 days worry and upset for my friend. The door is closed to him now.

It is entirely possible that he changed his mind, in order to protect the children from the pain of seeing their father slowly waste away in front of them (or quickly - either isn't great).

Not saying that is the case, but it's a possibility, so on that basis I would contact the friend again and ask for an explanation. Either way, she at least deserves an explanation.

And, she needs to 'cover her back' where the children are concerned. Imagine if that was his reason for blocking her on FB and he then died. I could well imagine that the kids *may* later feel that their Mum didn't try hard enough when she was given the opportunity.

Errata

Gingham_Ribbon wrote: »

Although I would agree usually, what should she say to them? My ex may or may not have cancer, may or may not be dying and may or may not want to see us but at the moment won't let me contact him? I wouldn't want my children dealing with all that without knowing for sure there's something to deal with.

If he has cancer he'll have a Macmillan nurse, so there's no need to ask the nurse if he has it or not. This family won't be the first one MacMillan have come across that have been separated for some years and young children are involved, and can help them all to deal with a difficult and emotional situation and find the best way forward so there's the minimum of hurt and damage.