Would you let this Dad see your children?

Giraffeseeker

Hi, posting for a friend with a bit of a dilemma...

She has 3 children (11, 10 and 8) all by the same father. He left when the youngest was 6 weeks old. She's struggled alone since then, finding out her youngest was autistic at 18 months, working full time and coping the the usual financial worries, etc. But she's done a great job and they are a happy, close family.

Their Dad re-appeared a few years back, met my friend one day for a drink, saw the children that evening (the eldest two were completely over-excited) and tried to get my friend back. She let him know a few days later that she was not interested in him, but he could build a relationship with the children. He said if he couldn't have her then he didn't want the kids. My friend had to pick up the pieces with her very upset children.

Apart from that there has been no contact, no birthday cards, christmas cards, nothing. But now his friend has made contact and said that he has cancer and wants to see the children. He has not made contact himself, although he is currently living a normal life, not in hospital or anything yet.

Obviously she doesn't want to deny her children the right to know their Dad but it will be her picking up the pieces if he dies once they have a relationship with him (he says it's not curable). She feels the stability of her family life is threatened and she doesn't want him back in her life (he's very emotionally mixed-up, drinks and always took alot of drugs - speed and dope I think). Any thoughts? It's not a decision I would want to be making if I was her.

Sam-Barr

I personally would try to make amends and let him see the kids, but I am biased as when I was younger I was in a similar situation and both my mother and father passed away before I turned ten. I would give my left leg to be able to spend 5 more minutes with them.
Then again memories of cancer treatment/mood swings/hospitals are not too nice.
Oh goodness what a dilemma!

Sam-Barr

I agree with the proof of cancer also.

trufflebuggy

I would say she would need to know that he was telling the truth first!

But also have the children ever had to deal with the death of a close family member, if they haven't this could be a really tough one as not only do they have grief to deal for the first time, this is coupled with the the knowledge that they really didn't know their father and now he's dying with no real chance for them to get to know him iyswim...... but should they be denied the chance to form a relationship and say goodbye?!?!? I don't know to be honest.... part of me would think not to allow them to see him, but then how would they feel several years in the future if they found out they could have known him briefly????

This probably hasn't helped but I wish your friend all the best, I'm sure she make the best decision for her children as she has from the moment they were born.

pigpen

I'd want proof and to meet him first, a few times without the children to discuss this. I'd want to know the long term prognosis and what his intention were, there is no way he would see the children the first day I bumped ino him like she did last time.. that would be too much for me let alone the children, they need time to be prepared and adjust.

He may be spinning a yarn.. or he may be telling the truth.. but without proof I would not be letting him anywhere near the children.

I would allow him to see them once it had been established this is his last chance to see them and have a relationship with them, nothing like your own mortality being waved at you by the Grim Reaper to show you what is really important in life. BUT.. the children HAVE to be aware he is ill and may not get better and may die (though I'd already have made sure he is going to die.. as awful as that sounds) There is no way I'd be giving him a chance to see them and hurt them by walking away a third time.

If my mother had prevented me from having a last relationship with my dad knowing he was going to die I would find it very hard to forgive her, regardless of whwther she had my best interests at heart or not.

Children decide when they are bigger what kind of parent they have and to me the betrayal of not being told or having the chance to meet my absent parent would be worse than losing the parent. If you cannot give that little bit of honesty what can you give?

I hope she can reach a decision and be happy with it.

Savvy_Sue

does he have any family that she gets on OK with, or might be able to build a relationship with? If there was a chance of getting a half decent set of relatives along with a dying dad, that might make the decision easier.

Although I guess not if Mum's been left alone in between these random reappearances.

Giraffeseeker

Thanks for all your comments. I think the "proof" is the issue, she decided she wanted to meet him for a chat, texted his friend to set it up and was advised by the friend to email her ex via Facebook. She found him on FB no problem, didn't message him straight away but spent a couple of hours thinking about what to say. When she went back to FB to message him, she found her ex had blocked her. So, I guess either it was a lie/exaggeration in the first place OR he doesn't really want to see the kids (or both). A total waste of 5 days worry and upset for my friend. The door is closed to him now.

pigpen

Stupid little man!!

Well it may just be a blessing in every sense of the word.

ben500

Yes he's their father he has rights.

BitterAndTwisted

It's true he does have rights but if he wants to float back into his children's lives then he should be applying formally for contact. I suspect a character like that would tend to float right back out again when things aren't convenient any longer. I'd seriously consider requesting that he makes a financial contribution as a condition of contact, that might put things in perspective for him. I ruddy loathe parents who won't accept their long-term responsibilities to their children, whether financially and/or emotionally.

gratefulforhelp_2

Well said, bitter and twisted. Sounds like he is spinning the OP's mate a bit of a yarn, and why will he not give her direct contact details?