Advice needed please regarding g/f ex husband and kids(will try to keep it short)

DigitalJedi

Molly41 wrote: »

I disagree that these incidents are trivial in the courts eyes. Feeding your kids junk food is now deemed as harming your children, not strapping your child in is against the law and he could be prosecuted, emotional abuse is recognised as being very damaging. get a good family solicitor and start the diary. If he is abusive down the phone - tape it as evidence. One off incidents might not stand up alone but put them all together and you get a full picture of this monster and then hopefully you will get tighter and stricter arrangements.

Well I fed my kids a Mcdonald's yesterday and a curry the day before. You'd best call social services on me then. Yes a child not being strapped in is against the law but I bet you'd be hard pressed to find a copper to take you seriously. Even if the ex were dumb enough to admit it.

I can tell you that even if this behaviour was coming from the parent with care, a court would be unlikely to do anything.

By all means start a record and even tape him if it makes you feel better. At least you have a record to fall back on if things get worse but neither would be admissible in court. A tape recording of him swearing at you down the phone would not show he is an unfit parent and easily twisted to say he's passionate about his daughter.

_Glass_Half_Empty?? wrote:

Thanks for the advice, just to make clear I've told them both I won't get involved with their kids arguements but I'm getting fed up with the way he will scream at her down the phone and shut up when he comes round and I'm in I'm ready to teach the !!!!!! some manners! I am fed up thinking about this waste of space, the girl has a bruise on her hip last night and it turns out she fell out of her seat in his van because he forgot to put her belt on!
She doesnt want to stop contact but we want to move on with our lives and be happy but he won't play the game he's never once done anything positive with them os for them.
Anyway suppose its just wait till next sat now and wait to find out what's been said or done now

Good luck mate. I found being a step parent is the hardest and most unappreciated job in the world. You get all the responsibility and none of the power to make decisions. Because when push comes to shove, she is not your daughter.

samhuzz

Personally I would go and see a solicitor or social services to see if the children can have supervised visits as he doesn't sound like he is fit to have them alone! There is also no law saying that he HAS to see the children, so if your g/f is worried about the children's safety she is within her rights to refuse him access to the children

Glass_Half_Empty??

You know she doesnt care if all he feeds them is crap as we feed them well in the week but he lies about it and says they never eat macs and come home every week with a new happy meal toy :rotfl: he is that thick he believes he is doing good by them to but that is not my concern anyway. It is hard being the "step" dad so to speak and can definately relate to digital with that one.
We also know SS have bigger cases to deal with we just wondered what the options were and you have all confirmed what we thought anyway. He has denied the seatbelt thing and then said that she did it herself and is lying to him about things bla bla bla I have just had enough of it and him altogether now the thought of his face makes my skin crawl :mad:
We are having a ban on talking about him apart from days he has seen them now, I just want our baby to come out stress free within the next month so any time after that they can argue all they want im fed up of it all and cant be arsed with it all. Just wish for the sake of his kids he could just shut his bloody mouth cause the likeliness is they will hate him later in life for all this crap but we just want a quiet life where we all get on.:(

downshifted

Can you all move away? Sounds like he wouldn't be bothered to make the effort to pick them up if it meant a journey across town......

daska

She is allowed to refuse to listen to him shouting and being abusive, but it takes some strength.

Last year DSDs mum started playing up again so I rang Orange to tell them she was harassing DSDs dad and they changed the phone number within half an hour. We then set up a separate number for her to call and that is the only number she is allowed to have. (DSD has her dad's number listed as one of her friends so her mum can't find it that way.) Now when she screams she gets a calm "I'm saying goodbye now" and the phone is switched off for 24 hours.

Keep a diary. Always a good thing to do.

neneromanova

DigitalJedi wrote: »

Well I fed my kids a Mcdonald's yesterday and a curry the day before. You'd best call social services on me then. Yes a child not being strapped in is against the law but I bet you'd be hard pressed to find a copper to take you seriously. Even if the ex were dumb enough to admit it.

Yes but by the sounds of it the kids get fed McDonalds for lunch AND dinner all the time he has them.

And I think a copper would take a child not strapped in very seriously as if the person they stopped had an accident, it would be the police who were scraping the bodies off the windscreen. Not nice for them at all.

OP, I definately second, third fourth or whatever we are on now for the diary. But I would say to him if the child is not strapped in properly again then he will not see them again.

Glass_Half_Empty??

downshifted wrote: »

Can you all move away? Sounds like he wouldn't be bothered to make the effort to pick them up if it meant a journey across town......

I want to move away yes, Canada! But she woud never be able to live that far away from her mum We dream of living in Ibiza one day and enjoying the peaceful baleric way of life but as we are skint and probably aways will be that is just a dream :rotfl:
I would move from Notts to but it would have to be far away I am fed up of all things midlands at the minute I find the whole region full of chavvy !!!!!! heads I suppose the whole country probably is I just see it more where I go.
Thanks for the advice people I think it is a case of letting them 2 deal with it and just "be here" as per usual at least when my baby comes along they can all argue as much as they want me and our kid can ignore em all

reehsetin

I would keep a diary just in case, you have a clear history of everything, can your gf try and limit her contact with him, I.e. refuse to speak to him on the phone? just notes or texts? not good if she's pregnant and he's stressing her out,
Don't think you can control what he's feeding them but could you make a pack lunch for them for when they go to their dads, if he says anything just say you wanted to make sure they were eating properly as he always had nothing in? at least they'd eat properly

euronorris

Glass_Half_Empty?? wrote: »

I want to move away yes, Canada! But she woud never be able to live that far away from her mum We dream of living in Ibiza one day and enjoying the peaceful baleric way of life but as we are skint and probably aways will be that is just a dream :rotfl:
I would move from Notts to but it would have to be far away I am fed up of all things midlands at the minute I find the whole region full of chavvy !!!!!! heads I suppose the whole country probably is I just see it more where I go.
Thanks for the advice people I think it is a case of letting them 2 deal with it and just "be here" as per usual at least when my baby comes along they can all argue as much as they want me and our kid can ignore em all

If moving away, particularly abroad, is a dream of yours then I would also look into what rights he may have to halt this.

I know you said that it's just a dream at the moment, but your circumstances may change and you may find yourself with the opportunity one day. Best to know the facts up front so you're prepared.

How about your gf? Is she interested in moving to another part of the country? Or to a European country perhaps? I manage to visit the UK about once every 2 months and sometimes have visitors in between and it's not as far away as Canada either, so may be more appealing to her.

Isn't half of Ibiza filled with chavvy tourist Brits though?

Nelmer

Not sure if this is hindrance or help but here goes (sorry for the length)

I'm a step-mother and have been with my DH for 6 years my step kids are now 18 and 16. We live south west england, their mother lives in the midlands. Due to the ex not being able to cope (she threw my DH out) DH has had 'sole custody' of his kids since they were 4 and 6. For the first 2 years of our relationship I put up with being screamed at down the phone, driving to the midlands every school holiday to drop them off and pick them up (she doesn't drive) and had to listen to similar stories to the ones you are telling. I am a very 'stong, dominant' personality and I learn't very quickly that I needed to be quiet as they aren't my kids. 4 years ago after a trip to their mothers both children complained that they didn't do anything the whole week they were there. Next trip we told the ex these things and she flew off the handle telling the kids they were ungrateful, disloyal etc etc. She scared the youngest so much he locked himself in the car and wouldn't come out. At that point they refused to see her again and they haven't seen her since.

Sorry for the ramble.

I know they are older than your step kids but I'm hoping that it puts a bit of light at the end of the tunnel, they will get fed up with their father treating them badly. My step-kids took the crap longer than I thought because they had a baby half sister (and now a baby half brother they have never med).

As daska said, give him 1 number he can ring and no others and learn to put the phone down on him when he's rude or abusive. We did this to DH's ex and she gradually lost interest more and more until the kids severed ties.

Someone else said being a step parent is a thankless task, I wouldn't wholly agree. If you have a good relationship with your step children they will thank you, it just might take them until later in life to do it. x