Advice needed please regarding g/f ex husband and kids(will try to keep it short)

Glass_Half_Empty??

Hi, I will try to keep this short we are desperate for advice on where to go next as we are fed up with the whole situation
Right current g/f has ex husband and father of their 2 kids. G/f pregnant due to give birth in 4 weeks. He has never been a great "dad" despite his claims that he is. I will just give a run down of a few events over last 12 months rather then go on and on....
Missed 5 year olds birthday because he had plans,
Regularly says on a friday night as he is supposed to have them for the night that he doesnt want them including one night where he screamed out his flat window to eff off as he didnt care.
When finding out my g/f is pregnant tried causing stress to her by constantly starting arguements and refused to sign the divorce papers and even lied saying he had signed them when we had the baliffs serve them only to find out he had done nothing with them.
Told the kids not to let me, or the kids grandma or her boyfriend and their uncle to "touch them" as we are bad. And as such the kids 3 and 5 tell me they lie to their dad every week when he asks if I have touched them and shouts at them if they say they have and he will come round to "sort me out" if he finds out otherwise.(never been round as he wont look me in the eye)
Tells them they will live with him when they are older so they never have to see their mum anymore as she is stupid and doesnt care about them.
Feeds them chips macdonalds and chocs sweets and crisps every time they go round never once cooked them a meal as in the kids words he says "got nowt in"
Would not pick kids up on CHRISTMAS DAY when he was supposed to as he had had too much beer and expected the mum to drop them at his mates house he was looking after on a rough estate in nottingham as he was watching their dogs(unbelievable!)
Tells them that the new baby is not their brother or sister(we dont know what it is) and they should not like it play with it etc.
And drops them off an hour early without warning expecting us to be in and goes mental even though his time with them is till 6pm.
Takes them both to his bed and sleeps with them and at first saw nothing wrong as theyre his kids but no denies he ever said it and isnt a perve. And that all the things the kids have told us are lies(in front of the kids) and he wouldnt say such things!

Sorry I could go on, he doesnt want social services getting involved(would this help us?) as he is very paranoid about them. Wont do mediation and always plays the mum wont let me see em card even though its always him who says he wont see them because...add excuse here*
We have had enough and the kids have come in tonight after a healthy day of chips and nuggets twice with a massive bar of choc which my g/f took off the girl and said she can have some tomorrow and was follwed up with a violent tantrum. When he has popped round on the odd occasion they dont even want to go to the door but do want to go to his as they like sleeping with daddy and eating sweets and playing on x box etc.

Will social services help us? Is it time my g/f sort legal custody of the pair of them and regulate the visits to once a week and not in his flat? We are at a loss what to do and fed up with him being the centre of most conversation in this house and does nothing good for the kids. But he has got a right to see them but he wont have them unless they can stay over as it "isnt good enough" yet he will bring them back an hour early most weeks when this is supposed to be precious time. We try to bring them up right with manners, eating reasonably well with sweets as a treat not a meal and when they dont see him for a few weeks they are angels and dont even ask about him its only when they go there it all goes out the window. My relationship with them is great and they love me taking them out on my own and baby sitting them etc
I personally think she should go for sole custody and let him see them under conditions but she doesnt know where to start. Her solicitor has a lot of details of these incidents but as I have said to my g/f it comes down to her and no one else I cant and wont make her do anything but it is causing her unneeded stress week in week out.

Any advice....if anyone has bothered to read it all

TurnaroundSue

Sorry to hear your story and am afraid can't really give any advice on sole custody, but just wanted to give you some:grouphug:

What does her solicitor say about sole custody? Has she discussed this with him/her? What does she feel about it also? The 'dad' does sound a right nightmare, but it is good that there is stability and love in the home where they live. I know it might be hard, but keep in there and doing the good job you and your g/friend are at the moment. If she doesn't get sole custody and he remains having access, there will come a time when they will say they do not want to go with their dad and ultimately nobody can make them do something they don't want to.

Good luck with the new baby when it arrives.

bertiebots

You say he has the right to see his children- but he doesnt have the right to emotionally abuse them and that is exactly what he is doing. He sounds a horror of a human being to be honest... and the sooner you and your partner can get sole custody and get this poisonous person out of your childrens lives the better. Biology has nothing to do with it in this case imo.
As for how to do that I am sure the solicitor will know what the first step is. How does your partner feel about all this?

DigitalJedi

Whilst his behaviour is terrible and probably will be quite damaging long term, believe it or not, none of what you describe would persuade a court to deny contact. In fact, courts rarely deny a father contact. I don't think SS would be interested either as they have way more serious cases and sorry but feeding the kids on a diet of Mcdonald's is not illegal.

So what can you do? Well firstly "sole custody" no longer exists. It's all called residence nowadays. And given the father only sees them at weekends, your GF already has de facto main residence. So going to court would be rather pointless and a waste of money.

If your GF denies contact then he could take her to court for contact. At that point you could try and insist upon supervised contact because of the behaviour you already mentioned. However, the fact that your GF has allowed overnight for the last 12 months would suggest that she trusts him to keep their kids safe. In other words, I'm not sure a court would agree that supervised is the only option. Even if they did, usually its as a stepping stone for unsupervised. So again pointless.

Plus on top of that they'd both have to go to mediation first.

That's the doom & gloom picture. However, from what you've said, I am wondering if he is the type of man who would bother to go to court to get access to his kids. Or if your GF denied contact, would he huff & puff for a bit but ultimately find it too much bother to find a solicitor? You will know better.

As an ex-step parent, my advice is that this is an issue between your GF & her exH. Your job is to advise & support. Make sure you don't try to railroad her and don't make decisions for her.

lauren_1

He sounds just like my ex, hugs to you and you GF.

I am currently taking my children to a child therapist to try and undo all the emotional blackmail and 'propaganda' that their dad has being using on them for the passed 18 months.

ali-t

Your G/F needs a solicitor not a social worker.

ragz_2

DigitalJedi wrote: »

Whilst his behaviour is terrible and probably will be quite damaging long term, believe it or not, none of what you describe would persuade a court to deny contact. In fact, courts rarely deny a father contact. I don't think SS would be interested either as they have way more serious cases and sorry but feeding the kids on a diet of Mcdonald's is not illegal.

So what can you do? Well firstly "sole custody" no longer exists. It's all called residence nowadays. And given the father only sees them at weekends, your GF already has de facto main residence. So going to court would be rather pointless and a waste of money.

If your GF denies contact then he could take her to court for contact. At that point you could try and insist upon supervised contact because of the behaviour you already mentioned. However, the fact that your GF has allowed overnight for the last 12 months would suggest that she trusts him to keep their kids safe. In other words, I'm not sure a court would agree that supervised is the only option. Even if they did, usually its as a stepping stone for unsupervised. So again pointless.

Plus on top of that they'd both have to go to mediation first.

That's the doom & gloom picture. However, from what you've said, I am wondering if he is the type of man who would bother to go to court to get access to his kids. Or if your GF denied contact, would he huff & puff for a bit but ultimately find it too much bother to find a solicitor? You will know better.

As an ex-step parent, my advice is that this is an issue between your GF & her exH. Your job is to advise & support. Make sure you don't try to railroad her and don't make decisions for her.

I don't think you'll get any better advice than that. Hope for the kids' sake you get it sorted though, it's horrible for kids to have to hear things like those you've mentioned and they will grow up very consufed and insecure if they have to cope with that all the time.

Glass_Half_Empty??

Thanks for the advice, just to make clear I've told them both I won't get involved with their kids arguements but I'm getting fed up with the way he will scream at her down the phone and shut up when he comes round and I'm in I'm ready to teach the !!!!!! some manners! I am fed up thinking about this waste of space, the girl has a bruise on her hip last night and it turns out she fell out of her seat in his van because he forgot to put her belt on!
She doesnt want to stop contact but we want to move on with our lives and be happy but he won't play the game he's never once done anything positive with them os for them.
Anyway suppose its just wait till next sat now and wait to find out what's been said or done now
Thanks again.

an1179

Sorry for your dilemma. Be there for your GF and the children. He obviously has no idea of bringing up children it's lucky they had their mom and you. As the previous posters say he is not doing anything that SS woudl really get involved with. When they get older the taking into his bed might be an issue.



In time he will probably get fed up of using them as a means to rile your GF and no doubt loose interest in the children completely.

Good Luck

It's the children that are important in this situation give them love and support and try to keep the friction to a minimum but monitor the situation and write down any 'incidents' the chjildren tell you about.

Molly41

Glass_Half_Empty?? wrote: »

Thanks for the advice, just to make clear I've told them both I won't get involved with their kids arguements but I'm getting fed up with the way he will scream at her down the phone and shut up when he comes round and I'm in I'm ready to teach the !!!!!! some manners! I am fed up thinking about this waste of space, the girl has a bruise on her hip last night and it turns out she fell out of her seat in his van because he forgot to put her belt on!
She doesnt want to stop contact but we want to move on with our lives and be happy but he won't play the game he's never once done anything positive with them os for them.
Anyway suppose its just wait till next sat now and wait to find out what's been said or done now
Thanks again.

Well that is cause for concern - Take a photo and start keeping a detailed diary of every incident, every telephone call, every incident with the children such as the one detailed in the post. I disagree that these incidents are trivial in the courts eyes. Feeding your kids junk food is now deemed as harming your children, not strapping your child in is against the law and he could be prosecuted, emotional abuse is recognised as being very damaging. get a good family solicitor and start the diary. If he is abusive down the phone - tape it as evidence. One off incidents might not stand up alone but put them all together and you get a full picture of this monster and then hopefully you will get tighter and stricter arrangements.

bertiebots

Just remember you only get one childhood....are you happy to let this be theirs?
I really hope for the kids sake you can sort this out.
Why not call the nspcc?. They may be able to offer you advice on how to deal will this situation etc before you go to social services.

http://www.nspcc.org.uk/helpandadvice/helpandadvicehub_wdh45208.html