So confused, feel like I can't do my job. What to do? Where to turn?

Gingernutmeg

I wonder if the destructive behaviour is a sign that you're really, really bored at work and you're not being challenged enough? Frustration can lead to 'angry' behaviour and sometimes there's the temptation to cause trouble or create a problem just so that you've got something to deal with. Stuff like the washing up liquid - I can see where you're coming from with that. It was a silly thing to do, but ultimately you gave yourself something to do in cleaning it up, and spending time dealing with the consequences of that action gave you something else to think about for a while, rather than being angry and frustrated with yourself.

Also, if you spend your day following petty rules at work, sometimes it can also be very satisfying to break a rule at home, however pointless it may seem. I think there are possibly healthier (and less costly!) ways of rebelling though. It's hard too if you're constantly being made to feel like you don't belong somewhere, that you're not like everyone else and you don't fit in. That can make you very frustrated - you don't feel that there's anything more you can do to be like everyone else but it just doesn't seem to be working. I don't think that's necessarily a problem with 'you' per se, more a total mismatch between your skills and abilities and the work you're doing, and the people you're working with.

If the way you feel is making you unhappy, then it is a really good idea to go and talk to your GP. I think that a lot of people feel this way though, so please don't think that you're 'weird' or alone

hellokitty08

I can relate to what your saying a little, I had some sort of break down at uni, although I am a bright, outgoing, friendly person, at uni i was completely broken, i felt like no one wanted to be my friend, everyone already seemed to know someone there and that I was just being left out. I almost got kicked out because my head of department didnt understand why I had been so ill, even though I had been on medication from the uni doctor for months. In the end I got on to a different course and the fact the new head of school had faith in me and was more supportive really helped. It was still a struggle and I was always the last person to get picked in a group! But i think looking back now I was maybe just a little to shy to start with and it all escalated.

Also when I was growing up, I dont know why, but I seem to have been conditioned in to saying no to everything, so when I went to uni if anyone said do you want to come and do this or that I would always say no, so that probably didnt help. Its been 7-8 years now and I'm still working on it, but I say yes to lots more things and I am more confident now then ever. I wouldn't describe myself as a social person, but I have lots of friends and people always say I come across as really confident, however I am always saying to myself, "remember to ask them how they are" "ask them about themselves" Not that im selfish, but for some reason it doesnt come naturally to me to ask people about themselves, maybe I am little reserved because although I talk alot, I keep my feelings to myself, however this doesnt mean that everyone else wants to so I am always trying to make the effort.

I have been told by many people that Cognitive behavioural therapy is a great thing, although never had it my self.

At least you acknowledge there is a problem, the best thing I can advise is that you do go and see a doctor. If they dont treat you with respect then ask to see another one, even if it knocks your confidence, better to do this then live in fear of your own behaviour. Good Luck

jamesperrett

hellokitty08 wrote: »

I have been told by many people that Cognitive behavioural therapy is a great thing, although never had it my self.

In the right hands it can be very useful. However, the NHS have latched on to it and are training all kinds of staff to use basic CBT - in often inappropriate ways. If you go for CBT then make sure that you are seeing an experienced therapist who is a member of an appropriate professional body like the BABCP.

While your doctor should be the first person to talk to, you might want to look at more in depth psychotherapy. If you are lucky it will be available on the NHS in your area, but there are also many private psychotherapists who may be able to help you.

I hope it works out for you.

James.

RosaBernicia

MichaelaBrook wrote: »

I'm not shy, I just can't build rapport with people - to say the least! As I mentioned, I have my friends - but thinking about it, I haven't made a new friend/acquaintence since before I left secondary school. I have the confidence to approach people when I need to - for example when a work situation requires it - but I don't seem to be able to form bonds, or to exude the friendliness that I know I have inside me somewhere.

I think it gets harder to meet friends once you're out of the very social environment at school and uni - workplaces really vary in how sociable they are. And although it may appear that everyone else has more friends, I suspect that really they just have more acquaintances, which I don't count as the same thing. Real true friends are rare and some people (me!) choose to focus on a few real friends rather than 300 contacts on Facebook. Have you met anyone who you really wanted to be friends with and found you didn't know how to approach them, or is it that you've met lots of people you can get along with but didn't want to share your precious weekends with?

smartpicture wrote: »

I would agree with this. I once did a low-paid unskilled job after years of more high-powered jobs, it suited me at the time & I enjoyed the job and most of the people I met - but I was called arrogant by some people and accused of looking down on them, which honestly I didn't feel I was. My boss told me that I came across as more intelligent and capable of more, and spoke too posh (even though I grew up on a council estate) and some people (obviously not most people) would always have a problem with that. I'm just trying to say that this could be part of why people perceive you as arrogant.

Arrogance is a very cheap and easy shot to take at anyone who doesn't behave exactly the way the herd think they should. I had a similar problem in the bar job I had in 3rd year of uni and honestly never figured out why. Given that I've never, ever been accused of it by anyone else, and was department agony aunt in my next job, I decided that the problem lay with the other bar staff not me.

Sometimes it is also just a misinterpretation of personality. I had a friend in high school who was generally perceived as being 'snobby' because she happened to be clever and quiet. She was also a very thoughtful person who would let you completely finish sentences and think before she replied to you, and didn't tend to do the usual 'uh-huh', 'mmm' 'yeah' along the way. Because I knew her, I knew that she was genuinely thinking about what I'd said and her reply, but I think some people misinterpreted it as her thinking 'what an eejit why is this fool talking to me!'. HelloKitty is also right about some people mistaking being reserved for being rude, but you shouldn't feel you have to change your basic personality.

Not wanting to overload you with suggestions but there are two things I've found useful - one is the Highly Sensitive Person book that someone mentioned earlier (the website is http://www.hsperson.com/ ) and the other is a book called Type Talk at Work. It's based on Myers-Briggs personality types (which is reputable psychology work) and helps give ideas on how to communicate better with people who think differently to you. I am a flaky big-picture person and it's helped me avoid causing panic for those who like minute details!


I wouldn't necessarily worry too much about mudslinging at work... but I am worried that you sound frustrated and down, so I also think it would be a good idea to see your GP. And when you feel a bit more settled, then you could think about what kind of job might suit you better.

Hope it all works out for you

Rosa xx

calebdylan

Job hoping is not good, however the days of staying with one company and one job for your entire career are long gone. The average is about 24 months. It sounds as if the jobs that you accepted were not inline with your values and goals. Learn from this....you already started to reflect on what worked and what didn't. You need to do more of this. For each job you have had, ask yourself the following questions: Why did I accept it? What motivated me to accept it ? Seriously think about what led you into the job in the first place. If it is money or title, without a strong link to your values and goals, you will find yourself disenchanted almost immediately.

ceridwen

calebdylan wrote: »

Job hoping is not good, however the days of staying with one company and one job for your entire career are long gone. The average is about 24 months. It sounds as if the jobs that you accepted were not inline with your values and goals. Learn from this....you already started to reflect on what worked and what didn't. You need to do more of this. For each job you have had, ask yourself the following questions: Why did I accept it? What motivated me to accept it ? Seriously think about what led you into the job in the first place. If it is money or title, without a strong link to your values and goals, you will find yourself disenchanted almost immediately.

Which is a valid point - BUT how the heck many of us can manage to get a job "in line with our values and goals" at the best of times? I've certainly never managed it yet personally - and I doubt many do. It does sound rather like a "recipe for despair" to insist on a job like that actually. I dont think one should ever give up hope of it - as a few lucky people DO manage to get a job like that. Unfortunately - it does seem to be the case for most of us that the best we can do is to make sure that any job we get at least doesnt actively go against our values and goals:mad:

RosaBernicia

ceridwen wrote: »

how the heck many of us can manage to get a job "in line with our values and goals" at the best of times?

I have one. But I have it because I refused a good contract when straight out of uni, as I already knew I'd rather work my tail off to do something useful than something well paid. And yes, I do know how lucky I am.

(BTW Ceridwen, you don't need a Tardis - Limits to Growth has been reissued with a 30 year update for those of us who missed it the first time )

Rosa xx

loisa

Without going into too much detail on a public forum, I just wanted to post about how I got on at the doctors in case it's helpful to anyone.

Just to recap, I've been feeling constantly and increasingly anxious and stressed, (probably triggered by the sudden loss of my job).
The GP said that my anxiety was obviously becoming a problem but thought I might also be mildly to moderately depressed so prescribed me a course of tablets to try and deal with both of these. Also suggested counselling as an option and said I should have a think about that.

I want to emphasise that I wasn't forced down any particular route. The doctor practically said: "Here are the options, what do you think?"
I did feel a bit stupid trying to explain but they are trained to ask the right questions so you don't need to worry about what you will say and obviously it won't go any further.

Raksha

I hope the tablets work loisa. I'm feeling a lot better today after feeling very much like you for months, I've been taking Prozac now for just over 3 weeks.

loisa

Raksha wrote: »

I hope the tablets work loisa. I'm feeling a lot better today after feeling very much like you for months, I've been taking Prozac now for just over 3 weeks.

I hope so too though I was warned that I might feel worse before I feel better and they could take a while to start working....Still thinking about counselling, might give it a try.