So confused, feel like I can't do my job. What to do? Where to turn?

MichaelaBrook

Hello all, I'm a longtime lurker, but have only recently started posting.

This is quite a long post, so please bear with me. It's so long because I'd like to get all of the relevant information in.

I'm beginning to think that there's something "wrong" with me. I'm not sure if it's physical or mental, but here goes anyway.

Basically, I'm having problems at work. I'm 23, and this is my first proper job - though I have worked before, quite a lot, in shops, pubs, etc.
My job isn't difficult. The pay is on the low-ish side, but sufficient. The people are great, boss is fine, work is reasonably enjoyable, etc.

However, I just can't do it anymore. I know some people's knee-jerk reaction would be that I'm lazy, looking for an excuse to quit work, etc., but believe me, I love working, but I'm finding that I'm struggling to function in my everyday life, which is having a massive impact on my working life.

Wherever I've worked, now and in the past, I've always been perceived as 'strange'. Despite my best efforts, I'm perceived as arrogant (this has been told to my face, in several jobs) and difficult to approach. I just don't get this! Obviously, I do have a problem, but I can't seem to find it, in order to adjust it. I am honestly a nice person, I'm mortified that I've been perceived as otherwise, but I literally cannot change this behaviour! I have an even, soft tone of voice, I'm always greeting people and making chit-chat, and I often smile. I'd never intentionally do anything to hurt or annoy someone, so I'm lost. I feel so helpless here. I feel like I alienate people, but I really don't intend to. Believe it or not, I do have friends (a small but close bunch), and I've always gotten on great with them. My supposed arrogance has never been an issue, and my group of friends has been together since primary school.

Another thing is that I openly and repeatedly flout rules at work (minor ones), and I just cannot help myself from doing it. This probably sounds ridiculous to any sane person, but I literally cannot help purposely doing things wrong, or purposely making 'mistakes'. It's always the same 'mistake' I make, as though it's some kind of obsession/compulsion. I don't receive any attention for doing this (in case anyone thought it might be a motive!), as its consequences are limited to my own private work - i.e. muggins here has to correct her own intentional mistake, and make more work for herself!

Reading this back, I probably need to see a doctor. However, I'm reluctant, because I don't feel like anything sinister is going on (i.e. I'm not a suicide candidate!!!), I'm just becoming more and more convinced that I have some kind of mental/personality disorder, and it's crushing me. I just don't feel like I can work any more - and am now close to tears at the realisation of this fact. However, sad as I am about it, I can no longer face the sickness I feel in the pit of my stomach every morning before work, and the sheer mental torture/confusion/difficulty of the workdays and weeks ahead.

Naturally, I can't just walk out of work, due to money factors, benefit sanctions, etc. I'm not even sure what I could claim, or if I could claim anything?

Ideally, I'd like to seek some help through work, maybe take a bit of time off whilst I sort out my problem(s). However it's a very small company and the place is very tight-knit. My personal business would be spread around like wildfire, though nobody would acknowledge that they knew. This isn't just paranoia talking, I've seen it happen on dozens of occasions.

I want to get better, but I don't even know what's wrong.

Has anyone ever felt/experienced anything like the above?

Thank god for anonymity - thanks for reading guys!

alwaysonthego_2

You could have autistic tendancies maybe, I think you need to go and speak to your GP.

http://www.answers-about-autism.info/autism-what-are-the-signs.html

Raksha

I feel very much the same as you sometimes - Hypersensitivity has also been mentioned, as well as social anxiety...

loisa

I can relate to what you are saying.

I've started to feel constantly anxious, even when I'm having a 'good' day or doing something 'normal' like walking round the supermarket. I have a contant crushing/butterflies feeling in the pit of my stomach, I'm starting to worry that I might be giving myself an ulcer!

I've made an appointment with my GP, I've never been about anything like this before so I have no idea what they will say/do. I'm not exactly looking forward to it but it does seem like the right thing for me now.

betterlatethannever

I really feel for you.:A
You post comes across intelligent and beautifully written so your clearly a smart person.

Are you, prehaps, doing a meaningless job and feel you could do better?
'maybe' that comes across to your work collegues and its that, that makes you seem arrogant...even if its just a sub concsious thing.

Your young and smart. Have you considered training/college/uni?

Very best of luck with whatever route you go down. x

MichaelaBrook

betterlatethannever wrote: »

I really feel for you.:A
You post comes across intelligent and beautifully written so your clearly a smart person.

Are you, prehaps, doing a meaningless job and feel you could do better?
'maybe' that comes across to your work collegues and its that, that makes you seem arrogant...even if its just a sub concsious thing.

Your young and smart. Have you considered training/college/uni?

Very best of luck with whatever route you go down. x

Oops, I forgot to mention - I've been to uni, I graduated in 2008.

I don't blame my job itself for my problems, I blame myself. My job is a typical officey-affair. It's not exactly thrilling, but it's in line with what I'm qualified to do, and I enjoy the actual work as much as one can enjoy their job.

I just don't know what to do, though. By which I don't mean I'm having a career direction dilemma typical of us young people , I just don't know how I'm going to get through the next day, let alone the next 40-odd years of interacting with people when I evidently barely know how to!

I'm not shy, I just can't build rapport with people - to say the least! As I mentioned, I have my friends - but thinking about it, I haven't made a new friend/acquaintence since before I left secondary school.

I have the confidence to approach people when I need to - for example when a work situation requires it - but I don't seem to be able to form bonds, or to exude the friendliness that I know I have inside me somewhere.

I seem to isolate and alienate people without even realising I'm doing so, and this actually happens in pretty much all aspects of my life, it's just that the work aspect is most noticeable because of all the time I spend there and because it's my means of existence!

Thanks ever so much for your input, much appreciated.

M x

MichaelaBrook

loisa wrote: »

I can relate to what you are saying.

I've started to feel constantly anxious, even when I'm having a 'good' day or doing something 'normal' like walking round the supermarket. I have a contant crushing/butterflies feeling in the pit of my stomach, I'm starting to worry that I might be giving myself an ulcer!

I get that a lot too. Nerves and feelings of dread, basically from nowhere.

I've made an appointment with my GP, I've never been about anything like this before so I have no idea what they will say/do. I'm not exactly looking forward to it but it does seem like the right thing for me now.

I really ought to go myself, but I just don't know what I'd say! I'm worried that I'd be fobbed off with some antidepressants (though I'm not depressed) or some kind of anxiety therapy, that doesn't tackle the root cause. I feel like it'd take a good half an hour to thoroughly explain everything I feel / everything that's happening to me, and GPs just don't have the time these days

MichaelaBrook

alwaysonthego wrote: »

You could have autistic tendancies maybe, I think you need to go and speak to your GP.

I've suspected mild tendancies for quite some time, but have always put the idea to the back of my mind and have never researched autism - and its whole spectrum - in any detail.

I guess I'm frightened in case I am diagnosed with The Big A :-/

loisa

You can't really change your personality or the way that you perceive other people's reactions or ideed how they react to you.

I think it's ok to feel 'different' but you should be able to recognise what is normal for you if that makes sense.

I'm sure most doctors are used to hearing people's sob stories so that doesn't bother me too much, if it does turn out to be a waste of time then I won't have lost anything.

smartpicture

betterlatethannever wrote: »

I really feel for you.:A
You post comes across intelligent and beautifully written so your clearly a smart person.

Are you, prehaps, doing a meaningless job and feel you could do better?
'maybe' that comes across to your work collegues and its that, that makes you seem arrogant...even if its just a sub concsious thing.

Your young and smart. Have you considered training/college/uni?

Very best of luck with whatever route you go down. x

I would agree with this. I once did a low-paid unskilled job after years of more high-powered jobs, it suited me at the time & I enjoyed the job and most of the people I met - but I was called arrogant by some people and accused of looking down on them, which honestly I didn't feel I was. My boss told me that I came across as more intelligent and capable of more, and spoke too posh (even though I grew up on a council estate) and some people (obviously not most people) would always have a problem with that. I'm just trying to say that this could be part of why people perceive you as arrogant.

Making mistakes that cause more work could also be part of that, in that if you're capable of much more your sub-consious is intentionally making more work for you - maybe you need a more challenging job.

The other thing is, have you asked your friends? Since they know you best, they should be able to tell you what it is you do (if anything) that comes across as arrogant and what small changes you could make to change that.

I would chat to the doctor before you do anything else so you know whether there is anything behind all this, and whether there is any help available. Otherwise, it's probably a question of learning coping mechanisms. You obviously want to work, so you're motivated to do this, but you may need some help in getting there. Opening up about the problems like this is a good start.

Welshwoofs

There is an online test devised by Simon Baron Cohen who's one of the leading researchers into adult autism/aspergers which you can download here.