Please help (sorry long story)

BitterAndTwisted

We all have our own ways of dealing with things, with problems causde by our upbringings but you MUST be absolutely firm and very candid indeed about how you feel about your partner's indiscretions. It's very hurtful indeed to reveal things about your private life together without your agreement or consent. You deserve better. Demand it.

alyth

Have a look at this article - I was trying to google for a book that I had years ago that I found helpful.

http://www.sensitiveperson.com/article.htm

This is the link to the book.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Highly-Sensitive-Person-Survive-Overwhelms/dp/0722538960

It sounds as if you are a sensitive person, if there have been family issues in the past, you've perhaps retreated in on yourself from a very young age. Perhaps your OH just doesn't know how to understand you, perhaps he is being insensitive, or perhaps he's trying to draw you out from yourself - I don't know the answers, only you do.

Good luck, remember you are a unique and special person, have a chat with the doctor as it's always helpful to talk things over with someone. I had an issue recently, posted on here and got fantastic advice and spoke to a couple of people today about it - just in passing sort of thing - and they were also very helpful. I too am a private person, live on my own and go days without speaking to someone, and I'm happy like this, but sometimes it can be helpful to seek the advice of someone outwith your own situation.

RosaBernicia

Re. the highly sensitive articles Alyth mentions, the author also has a website www.hsperson.com which includes more information and articles. I found the Highly Sensitive Person book a great comfort, a real change of perspective, and I revisit it every so often.

The author has also just released a new book called The Undervalued Self http://www.amazon.co.uk/Undervalued-Self-Restore-Transform-Self-Worth/dp/0316066990/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1268441019&sr=8-1, about, well, what it says on the cover. I'm only up to chapter 6 and so far it's very good. I'm glad Alyth raised it as I was just wondering whether to post it up for you!

I hope things work out well for you.

Rosa xx

debjam

Thanks Alyth and RosaBernicia for those links, have just had a quick look and THATS ME!!! I am on my way out in a bit (party for my cousin) and am out all day tomorrow (one of the 10,000 bikers "invading" Wootton Bassett) so will have to wait till Monday to have a good look at those sites. Will probably need them after all the excitement from the next 24 hours.

Alyth was reading your thread yesterday, hope all is well with you and your problems have been sorted.

Thanks again peeps for all the wise words and encouragment has helped a lot.

cheepskate_2

debjam wrote: »

so need to make him see he has to meet me half way with this somehow.

.

"that WE have to meet halfway". Is the way it should read.

By the way you have worded it , it looks like you blame him for these problems.

Just as an aside, you have these problems for whatever reason, surely you should be dealing with them and getting this sorted, as he can stop whatever he is doing to offend you, but you are going to go through life being offended all the time.

RosaBernicia

debjam wrote: »

Thanks Alyth and RosaBernicia for those links, have just had a quick look and THATS ME!!!

*HSP high five*

Great, I'm sure you'll find the sites/ books helpful. Will hopefully help remind you of your strengths, as well as suggesting ways of talking to your OH.

I have just finished The Undervalued Self book today and I think you might find this particularly helpful for dealing with 'trust' issues - it explains more about how we set up protections for ourselves even when they can be inappropriate or outdated.

Enjoy your bike trip

Rosa xx

DVardysShadow

debjam wrote: »

... An example of this was yesterday we were out at an event with people I didn't know but he had met some of them. One of the other chaps there latched onto me and my OH thought this amusing. Kept joking about my new "boyfriend" and how I would be alright as I could stay there with him. OH knew I was uncomfortable about this attention but just wandered off and left me. Now I find out he has told a friend who is now teasing me about it.

debjam wrote: »

... He said he did realise that I found it "stressful" that he had left me with this other chap whilst he escaped, but he thought it was amusing that the bloke had latched onto me and it just re-iterated that I was attractive to other blokes.

The big positive message which comes across to me from this [and it is not the message that you are seeing] is that he trusts you and does not have a shadow of a doubt about you.

Spirit_2

debjam

To me this reads a bit one sided.

One of my well loved relatives is sensitive and withdrawn. We all accomodate them - however their expectations seem to be that we are continually vigilant to take account of managing social situations and interactions so that they are "treated how they like to be treated".

It is one sided in that they "never treat others as the others would like to be treated".

I feel sorry for your OH. Our sensitive individual has a knack of often making a social/fun event miserable for their own OH/close family and as much as I do love them - I wish they would give their OH/us a break and cut some slack.

Bonny1

I understand you issues, from your childhood, but your expecting your OH to adjust his character, to accomodate your hang ups? He sounds like a fabulous fun guy, and your abviously attracted, to that trait in him too..

get help for your own issues... and deal, your a long time dead honey..

Bonny

debjam

Spirit wrote: »

debjam

To me this reads a bit one sided.

One of my well loved relatives is sensitive and withdrawn. We all accomodate them - however their expectations seem to be that we are continually vigilant to take account of managing social situations and interactions so that they are "treated how they like to be treated". I have never had expectations about being treated differently by family or friends, my point was I object to my OH discussing private matters with all and sundry and not understanding when it upsets me.

It is one sided in that they "never treat others as the others would like to be treated". I always treat other people with the respect I would hope they would treat me. Just because I like to be quiet and private does not mean I will blank people who are not like me. I may try to avoid too much contact but would never be impolite.

I feel sorry for your OH. Our sensitive individual has a knack of often making a social/fun event miserable for their own OH/close family and as much as I do love them - I wish they would give their OH/us a break and cut some slack.

Yes I feel sorry for him sometimes being married to someone like me. I hope I don't make events unfun for any family or friends. I join in as much as I feel comfortable, if I feel uncomfortable then I use the "need the bathroom" card, usually works. It is a bit of a joke (see I can have fun) with family and friends how much I go to the toilet, I don't think they realise what it actually means, or if they do they just go along with it.

And yes RosaBernicia the bike ride was a great success £100,000 raised for Afghan Heroes, great day had by all.