Please help (sorry long story)

debjam

I need some help. I don't really know where to start. I have never been very secure and don't trust anyone, I come from a family who have never been close and I have always felt excluded from things. I left home at 18 and didn't return until I was 30 when my first marriage broke down. A lot of people in the village where my parents live (and where they lived when I left home) thought I was a niece as they didn't realise my parents had 3 children. I have always been a very private person and prefer my own company to socialising as I am always awkward around other people.

I am now married to a chap who just does not seem to understand how I like my privacy, he regularly broadcasts to people we know and don't know things about me which I really don't want spoken about.

An example of this was yesterday we were out at an event with people I didn't know but he had met some of them. One of the other chaps there latched onto me and my OH thought this amusing. Kept joking about my new "boyfriend" and how I would be alright as I could stay there with him. OH knew I was uncomfortable about this attention but just wandered off and left me. Now I find out he has told a friend who is now teasing me about it.

I know in the overall scheme of things this may seem really pathetic but it has hurt me yet again. I asked him when he got home from work tonight if he had had a good laugh he just exploded and said he would never say anything again, he has stomped off upstairs and is probably sulking until I go up and break the ice. I know he had to have bought this up in the conversation with our friend but why did he have to bring it up at all he could have just left that part out. How can I make him understand that by doing this he is just hurting me and giving me reason to not trust him. Something he has an issue with, me not trusting him. Everyone sees my OH as a joker always messing about and not taking anything seriously, but does his joking have to be at my expense?

Sorry for the long post but not sure if I have really got the point over I'm trying to make, now that I have re-read it. And he has just stormed out of the house, so I'm now just here in tears not knowing what to do.

JoW123

Is there a reason why you don't trust people? Is this a general trust issue or is it related to trusting men or women or both? It must be difficult for your other half if he doesn't understand why you don't trust him, especially if he hasn't done anything to betray your trust.

RAS

debjam

Sorry that you are so upset.

There seems to be a considerable mismatch between you and OH at the moment.

Let's get a few things straight.

it is not OK to go off in a sulk and then storm out of the house because your spouse has not come upstairs to break the ice.

A lot of people who make jokes and mess around are incredibly unaware that much of the time the person they are joking about is upset, embaressed or plain hurt. A lot of jokes are basically cruel.

Given that he knows how sensitive you are about things, this was stupid behaviour.

On the other hand, being a mini-mouse leaves you very vulnerable, not just to jokes from OH. So maybe you would benefit from exploring what it is that makes you so awkward around other people.

debjam

Have always had trust issues from as far back as I can remember. Always feel like people are laughing at me behind my back. Think it goes back to the way my mom treated me, like I was never good enough for anything, my early school friends were never good enough, so I just pulled back into myself.

My OH was told when we first met, by a mutual friend, that he had a battle on his hands to win my trust as I had so many walls put up to keep people out. He has broken down many of them, but recently he has started this telling people things about our relationship and about me personally that I am starting to pull back into myself again. He says he is doing nothing different to what he has always done. But he never used to use personal information to get a laugh from people. I don't know if that is why this last occassion has hurt me more than any other time, if that makes sense?

Butterfly_Brain

I know where you are coming from I had a family who treated me the same. But I am the opposite once I hit 18 I started coming out of my shell and treating everthing as a joke and laughing at myself sometimes
You need to lighten up a bit - a joke is a joke it wasn't meant nastily .
Talk to your OH and explain to him how this sort of thing makes you feel it may be that he doesn't realise how this affects you and I think you need to go for some councilling to try and put things in perspective

grey_lady

Would you say that your self-esteem / self confidence is low? because you are coming across like it is. I'd agree with ButterflyBrain and suggest counselling to get to the bottom of it. Dont let your mothers behaviour sully your present and future relationships because you can't go back and change how she treated you. There's a book called Toxic Parents that might help as well.

I'd also agree that making jokes at the expense of hurting your feelings isnt a nice thing to do. If you point that out and ask him to stop doing it, then if he cares about your feelings and respects you he will make a real effort to be more sensitive to your feelings.

RAS

OK

I had a rough time with my mother, so hope you can bear with me.

Part of what you are reacting to is not your OH, it is all that stuff from years ago that slaps you in the face, over takes your adult sense and makes you an abused child again. So the little girl is trying to deal with OH, not the grown up you.

For any partner in this sort of situation, it is hard to understand what is going on. Irrespective of whether the way he is behaving is appropriate anyway. maybe he thought joking would make the situation easier and has found to his horror that it has made it worse.

Your past is getting in the way of your present life, which is a fairly good indication that you need to get help to overcome it. I recall the very difficult conversation when both my sib and I "admitted" to each other that we were getting help to cope with the past. It was only when sib described to the GP what had happened that the GP explained that this behaviour was not normal or an acceptable way for a parent to behave.

Obviously it is harder in a village where your GP may know your parents? But you need to ask for help. personally (and I keep writing this) I suggest psychotherapies rather than counselling. The latter allows you to go round and round in circles and not get very far, the former deals with the stuff.

JoW123

debjam wrote: »

Have always had trust issues from as far back as I can remember. Always feel like people are laughing at me behind my back. Think it goes back to the way my mom treated me, like I was never good enough for anything, my early school friends were never good enough, so I just pulled back into myself.

My OH was told when we first met, by a mutual friend, that he had a battle on his hands to win my trust as I had so many walls put up to keep people out. He has broken down many of them, but recently he has started this telling people things about our relationship and about me personally that I am starting to pull back into myself again. He says he is doing nothing different to what he has always done. But he never used to use personal information to get a laugh from people. I don't know if that is why this last occassion has hurt me more than any other time, if that makes sense?

I can empathise with a fair bit of what you have put as I was very similar up until about 3 years ago. The turning point for me was a few sessions of counselling which made me examine my relationship with my parents and see that an awful lot of my behaviour stemmed from my upbringing. I'm now far more outgoing, but still struggle with 'letting people in' emotionally. I have a close circle of friends who I do trust but thats because they have proved themselves by being available if I needed them through difficult times. In truth I'd much rather be there for them rather than apprearing vulnerable by needing them!!

I think you are being over-sensitive because this is difficult for you. Maybe talking things through with someone impartial might help?? I have a couple of friends (male and female) who have been able to say that it is hard for them knowing that I won't let them in and being kept at a distance. Have you thought about how your behaviour might be making your OH feel? Sometimes when we feel like this our own emotions take over and we forget the impact they have on other people.

January20

I don't have any advice as to what to do, but I have to tell you that I don't think you are over-reacting. I don't think it is right for your OH to tell private and personal things to other people, especially people you hardly know, the more so if he knows how much of a private person you are and how much it hurts you.

Has anything changed in your lives where your OH might feel threatened by a part of your life, (like better job, being more confident, etc.) and getting a laugh at your expense is his way of -in his eyes- putting the relationship back on an even keel? (Not that it would make it ok of course!)

consultant31

Whilst I do agree with previous posters who have said that it's not nice of your OH to do or say something which he knows may upset you, you also say that he has always been known as a bit if a joker who doesn't take much seriously.

You must have seen this in him when you met and yet you were attracted to him. Could it be that you have become more sensitive to his joking? His sulking and leaving the house is his reaction to your apparent mistrust of him I expect.

I think you would both benefit from some form of counselling or therapy to enable you to get back the feelings of love and trust which you're in danger of losing.

debjam

Thank you all for your words of support and wisdom. He has now come back and has eventually apologised, after a cuddle and me apologising to him (which is usual). I have explained that I know I'm probably being over-sensitive but after my trying to explain to him last time about how he hurts me I couldn't believe he had done it again.

He said he did realise that I found it "stressful" that he had left me with this other chap whilst he escaped, but he thought it was amusing that the bloke had latched onto me and it just re-iterated that I was attractive to other blokes.

Yes I do have a major self-esteem problem, (how could anyone want to be with me when I look like I do, have put on weight, am getting fat etc etc), I'm a size 12, and weigh just under 10½ stone, I'm 41. OH and several friends (both male and female) are often telling me how other women would kill for a body like mine, but I just don't see it.

I have been to counselling before and found this did help with some of my issues, maybe I need to see my doctor and get another session sorted out. Yes it is good to talk to a complete stranger about problems, one who isn't judgemental that was why I came on here. Even though I follow lots of the threads on here and feel I know a lot of you, you don't feel like strangers really, just distant associates.

Yes I found out he was a joker when we met, it wasn't what attracted me to him, but there was just something there in the background. I think he uses it as a defence just like I use my quietness. I love him to bits and I know he loves me too, I couldn't bear if our relationship ended so need to make him see he has to meet me half way with this somehow.

Thank you all again, I am feeling a lot more settled now. Will call doctors on Monday and have a chat with him.