Am I being selfish?

pulliptears

I'm married to a wonderful man and we have 2 lovely kids aged 12 and 17. I'm just about to finish my BA and OH has a good job in development. We have a nice home, a car each etc. Problem is, we have both become restless.

The town we live in has a declining industry, and although OH's job wouldn't be affected we feel fed up here. We both feel this isn't the place we want to live and the kids do too. OH and I harbour a dream of living and working on the US West Coast and are looking into how viable this is...

Now, the problem! My 74 year old Mum.... I'm an only child, Dad passed away 2 years ago and Mum is on her own now in her own home. She has a sister, a few good neighbours around her and is in good health. The thing is, I'm 36 years old and I feel like unless I do something now I'll never do it, but I also feel guilty for leaving Mum.

Anyone have any experience of this?

Caroline73_2

If your mum is 74 she could easily live another 10 or 20 years, can your dreams live that long? Have you spoken to your mum?

neneromanova

Can she not go with you? Go retire out there, get a lovely house, lovely tan and just relax?

moggylover

pulliptears wrote: »

I'm married to a wonderful man and we have 2 lovely kids aged 12 and 17. I'm just about to finish my BA and OH has a good job in development. We have a nice home, a car each etc. Problem is, we have both become restless.

The town we live in has a declining industry, and although OH's job wouldn't be affected we feel fed up here. We both feel this isn't the place we want to live and the kids do too. OH and I harbour a dream of living and working on the US West Coast and are looking into how viable this is...

Now, the problem! My 74 year old Mum.... I'm an only child, Dad passed away 2 years ago and Mum is on her own now in her own home. She has a sister, a few good neighbours around her and is in good health. The thing is, I'm 36 years old and I feel like unless I do something now I'll never do it, but I also feel guilty for leaving Mum.

Anyone have any experience of this?

REALLY difficult one! I don't have direct experience except that my Dad became ill a while after he and mum retired to Wales, and I could not bear being 240 miles away from them and sold up and moved here! Dad died 6 years later and now that mum has gone I admit I have some regrets about the distance I moved from the rest of my family. NONE of which is going to help you really.

What I am trying to say I suppose, is that only you and your family will know

a) how much your dream of moving means to you

b) how much you want or need to be there for your mum if she becomes less well

c) how long you could afford to delay your dream of moving

I think that whichever step you take you will have to be prepared for that coming along with a cost and "regrets" and that only you can know which one will leave you with the least. I'm glad in most respects that I came here and was still around my parents to the end, but then we were very, very close and that was also what was right for me.

It would be marvellous if we could have everything in this life: the truth is that we seldom can, and life is often a series of compromises.

Wonderful idea if your mum would come with you but suspect she might have the same reservations about leaving her sister that you have about leaving her!

ETA: Not selfish! If you were you wouldn't even be worried about leaving your mum;)

gingin_2

In terms of viability, are you eligible to emmigrate to the US?


Just asking before you get your hopes up.

Plus, I would be more worried about the 17 year old. How do they feel?

amalis

And what does you mum thinks about your idea? I feel that you are very close to your mum, so am I. But in my own time I made a decision to leave the country for my own good. But when the right time will come my mum will move in here with me. I think this is the only solution.

pulliptears

Caroline73 wrote: »

If your mum is 74 she could easily live another 10 or 20 years, can your dreams live that long? Have you spoken to your mum?

This is what I feel guilty for thinking I could be near my own retirement and still here with my dreams on hold, my children grown up and a brand new set of Grand kids to keep me here!

neneromanova wrote: »

Can she not go with you? Go retire out there, get a lovely house, lovely tan and just relax?

Honestly, I dont know. I don't know if she would, but I don't know enough about the US system yet to know if it would even be possible. I know she does love the West Coast, my late Dad worked over there a lot in the 70's and they were both going over to California for summers up until a few years before Dad passed. It's a place we both love and have both spent time in so maybe she would come.

moggylover wrote: »

REALLY difficult one! I don't have direct experience except that my Dad became ill a while after he and mum retired to Wales, and I could not bear being 240 miles away from them and sold up and moved here! Dad died 6 years later and now that mum has gone I admit I have some regrets about the distance I moved from the rest of my family. NONE of which is going to help you really.

What I am trying to say I suppose, is that only you and your family will know

a) how much your dream of moving means to you

b) how much you want or need to be there for your mum if she becomes less well

c) how long you could afford to delay your dream of moving

I think that whichever step you take you will have to be prepared for that coming along with a cost and "regrets" and that only you can know which one will leave you with the least. I'm glad in most respects that I came here and was still around my parents to the end, but then we were very, very close and that was also what was right for me.

It would be marvellous if we could have everything in this life: the truth is that we seldom can, and life is often a series of compromises.

Wonderful idea if your mum would come with you but suspect she might have the same reservations about leaving her sister that you have about leaving her!

ETA: Not selfish! If you were you wouldn't even be worried about leaving your mum;)

It's not just my dream though, it's OH's dream and probably a much brighter future for our children. I want to go, I think its time to move on for all of us. I console myself with the thought that the UK is only 18 hours away if I was needed.

I think its time to speak to Mum and find out exactly if she could come and if she would want to. It's such a dilemma to be an only child!

Thanks guys

pulliptears

gingin wrote: »

In terms of viability, are you eligible to emmigrate to the US?


Just asking before you get your hopes up.

Plus, I would be more worried about the 17 year old. How do they feel?

honestly, we don't know at the minute. It's something we are looking into but I can't find much online that is in plain English lol
The 17 year old in true teenager style isn't fussed either way. He is happy to stay here (with his other Nan lol) or go.

pulliptears

amalis wrote: »

And what does you mum thinks about your idea? I feel that you are very close to your mum, so am I. But in my own time I made a decision to leave the country for my own good. But when the right time will come my mum will move in here with me. I think this is the only solution.

I mentioned it in passing at the weekend, she said "oh how lovely", but I dont think she has considered the implications of it properly above what is currently a pipe dream really.

onlyroz

You should first look into exactly what would be required to move - how would visas work? What jobs would you have? How would you buy a house? What about schooling for the kids? Healthcare etc? And then you should decide if you still want to go. Then, if you decide that you do, it's really up to your mum whether she wants to go with you. If she does, then great. If she doesn't then that should be enough to tell you that she's happy staying here on her own. Don't forget that if she chooses to stay then she can always come and visit, for extended periods if she wanted.

gingin_2

pulliptears wrote: »

honestly, we don't know at the minute. It's something we are looking into but I can't find much online that is in plain English lol
The 17 year old in true teenager style isn't fussed either way. He is happy to stay here (with his other Nan lol) or go.

That's good about the 17 year old. And if you can get to the West Coast of the US he would probably love it, or it would certainly be a cool place to visit for a holiday.

It is virtually impossible, though, unless OH has a career that would make him highly desirable over there - more so than a US citizen, or you are squillionaires, or failing that, not British.