Am I being selfish?

Hermia

pulliptears wrote: »

I mentioned it in passing at the weekend, she said "oh how lovely", but I dont think she has considered the implications of it properly above what is currently a pipe dream really.

I think you really need to find out whether it is possible for you to emigrate first before you stress yourself and your mother out. It is very hard to get into the USA. There is a list of their preferred employment categories here: http://www.usembassy.org.uk/cons_new/visa/iv/index.html

A friend of mine wants to emigrate. She is a highly qualified professional, but she was turned down and the UK is not eligible for the Green Card lottery. I think you ought to check whether you have a chance of getting in before worrying yourself over your mum!

If you can get in and your mum is willing to go with you you would also need to check the situation re: how easy it would be for her to get health insurance.

pulliptears

gingin wrote: »

That's good about the 17 year old. And if you can get to the West Coast of the US he would probably love it, or it would certainly be a cool place to visit for a holiday.

It is virtually impossible, though, unless OH has a career that would make him highly desirable over there - more so than a US citizen, or you are squillionaires, or failing that, not British.

OH's career is in building and development, project management and regeneration etc The bits I have gleaned seem to say he would be accepted on that basis. (he works in Social Housing at the moment and it seems that certainly California is working towards affordable housing schemes which is something OH has been doing here for years) My degree will be in Graphic Design and I think I read "the arts" as being another career thats accepted. Like I said though I can't find anything especially concise.

I'll do some more research I think, but even if we don't move overseas I think we both still want to move away, not as drastic I know but would still mean leaving Mum.

EDITED TO ADD

Thanks for the link Hermia, OH trained as an Architect before falling into project management and that is on the list.

bap98189

I don't think you are being selfish. All children fly the nest eventually.

My concern would be whether you really want to work in the USA. I have several friends from the US and I wouldn't want to work there in a million years. The employment conditions, and in particular lack of holidays, are nothing like they are over here.

Gemsgalore

pulliptears wrote: »

It's such a dilemma to be an only child!

I'ts not just being an only child that can cause this problem. I'm an only daughter and when you are female it's often assumed by your brothers and other people, that you should be the one to care for elderly parents. My dad was very ill with terminal illness and then my mum had a brain hemorrhage, it's been a really tough few years and I had to go part time while my brothers carried on as normal. You will find this story very common with women if you ask around. My mum has survived and my dad was ill for 8 years and died last year. Even though my brothers lived 5 mins away down the road it has always been left to me to do all the running around and I live 20 miles away. I now suffer from ill health myself and can't do what I used to for my mum, (shopping housework etc) but my brothers still only visit her as they always did as if she is well.

Only you can decide how you feel about whether you stay or go. My mum has lost both of her sisters now so keep in mind if her sister goes she may feel very lonely after that....my mum did. However, she could then change her mind and come over to stay with you. It's tough being a daughter when it comes to elderly parents and I don't envy your decision. Good luck however you decide

dieselhead

I really don't want to put a downer on things but I think that its important that we point out the down sides so that you go into this without the rose tinted glasses. A few years ago there was a TV programme that relocated families to the US or Australia for a trial of 3 months, many decided after that time to return home as the reality did not live up to the dream.

-Holidays in the US are typically 2 weeks, that's just 10 days in comparison to the 20 days you get in the UK

-Health insurance is very expensive and if either of you have pre-existing conditions may be difficult to get

-The school system in the US is actually (despite all the negative info on our schools) not considered to be as good as the British system.

-I work in the construction industry I also have done my training in architecture and it is very very difficult to get a job at the moment and I understand the situation in the US is the same if not worse, and your husband would be at a disadvantage as he is not familiar with the US building codes or procedures.

I don't want to dissuade you as I would be the first one to stubbornly hang on to my dreams, I hope the information above is useful.

moggylover

pulliptears wrote: »

This is what I feel guilty for thinking I could be near my own retirement and still here with my dreams on hold, my children grown up and a brand new set of Grand kids to keep me here!



Honestly, I dont know. I don't know if she would, but I don't know enough about the US system yet to know if it would even be possible. I know she does love the West Coast, my late Dad worked over there a lot in the 70's and they were both going over to California for summers up until a few years before Dad passed. It's a place we both love and have both spent time in so maybe she would come.



It's not just my dream though, it's OH's dream and probably a much brighter future for our children. I want to go, I think its time to move on for all of us. I console myself with the thought that the UK is only 18 hours away if I was needed.

I think its time to speak to Mum and find out exactly if she could come and if she would want to. It's such a dilemma to be an only child!

Thanks guys

I'm an only child as well: it can be particularly difficult in these situations, but my mum was one of 5 and the only one that could be relied upon to look after her mothers needs in old age so "more" is not necessarily "more":D

I understand that it is more than just your dream, and I think that since the area is one that your mother knows and loves then it really needs that you all look into the possiblity of going and also of taking mum with you if she will come.

However, do be careful how you approach that as once she knows that you all want to go it rather "switches" your dilemma onto her as she will know that a lot might ride on her decision iyswim.

Good luck! Fortunately/unfortunately I have always been a home bird and the one opportunity I had to go and work and live abroad would have been a really bad choice for me to make (working in South Africa before the end of Apartheid, and I just know I would have broken every rule and gotten myself deported:o) and so was easily declined.

I enjoyed holidays abroad when I was younger: but I was always overwhelmingly glad to be home:o Just not the adventurer at all me:rotfl:

Hermia

bap98189 wrote: »

I don't think you are being selfish. All children fly the nest eventually.

My concern would be whether you really want to work in the USA. I have several friends from the US and I wouldn't want to work there in a million years. The employment conditions, and in particular lack of holidays, are nothing like they are over here.

I did work over there for a while and whilst I enjoyed it I wouldn't move there. The employment conditions are not great and the standard of living is not much better than here if you don't have much money. I remember my boss over there fretting over his daughter's medical bills as the insurance company was trying to find some loophole over why her condition was suddenly not covered.

As the OP is not a wide-eyed teenager I kind of assumed she would have had experience of living/working over there...

iolanthe07

My wife and I lived and worked in California for five years in the 90's and loved it. We enjoyed a much higher standard of living than here and the quality of life/climate and so on was wonderful. We took our son with us, then 16, and it changed his life. He is now in his 30's, a US citizen and earning in excess of $150K a year with the kind of life that he could only have dreamed about if he'd stayed here. The education system is just fine, in our experience - he did much better there than here anyway. We had to come back because of needy elderly parents.

Can she not go with you? Go retire out there, get a lovely house, lovely tan and just relax?

This is very difficult unless you have lots of money. There is no reciprocal health care and insurance for an older person would be prohibitive unless you had worked in the US for a minimum of 10 years, paid Social Security contributions and thus had access to Medicare. This is what is preventing us from retiring out there, and I don't know of any way round it. But if you as a younger couple go for it I don't think you will regret it. We enjoyed living in a laid back, informal society with really great friends and neighbours. We found Americans to be on the whole generous to a fault, accepting and terrific people.

pulliptears

iolanthe07 wrote: »

My wife and I lived and worked in California for five years in the 90's and loved it. We enjoyed a much higher standard of living than here and the quality of life/climate and so on was wonderful. We took our son with us, then 16, and it changed his life. He is now in his 30's, a US citizen and earning in excess of $150K a year with the kind of life that he could only have dreamed about if he'd stayed here. The education system is just fine, in our experience - he did much better there than here anyway. We had to come back because of needy elderly parents.

Can she not go with you? Go retire out there, get a lovely house, lovely tan and just relax?

This is very difficult unless you have lots of money. There is no reciprocal health care and insurance for an older person would be prohibitive unless you had worked in the US for a minimum of 10 years, paid Social Security contributions and thus had access to Medicare. This is what is preventing us from retiring out there, and I don't know of any way round it. But if you as a younger couple go for it I don't think you will regret it. We enjoyed living in a laid back, informal society with really great friends and neighbours. We found Americans to be on the whole generous to a fault, accepting and terrific people.

Thats great to know, thanks!

Excuse my ignorance here, but how did you do it? Did you find a job then go or just take the risk etc? It's all quite confusing and I'd be interested in hearing your experiences.

peachyprice

One thing to bear in mind, once people get old their health change very very quickly.

My Dad's mum, who had been relatively healthy for her age died recently. She had a fall on a Friday, a routine hip replacement on the Saturday, and died on the Sunday. My Dad had no time to get back to the UK before she died, something he's going to regret for a very long time.