Serious worries about financial past- can't keep going.

LittleMonkey16

Thanks both- I need guarantees, and of course we all know that life doesn't give you those. No-one can guarantee the bad htings won;t happen. I just want to know I;ve done my best to prevent it. I'm really worried I've overlooked something huge- the fear that a creditor will show up claiming I owe them money, debt collectors at the door. Whenever someone gets me a gift I think about the bailiffs taking it away (makes me sound materialistic, but it isn;t so much the valuable stuff as the sentimentally significant stuff I'm talking about). I'm just afraid to become attached to something, even happiness. If life has taught me anything thus far, it's what can be taken away from you.

It's just such an eye-opener to read that other people are going through the same thing.

Purpletopaz

"If life has taught me anything thus far, it's what can be taken away from you. "

Yes it can but would you not have rather enjoyed your life up to that point than worry about it being taken away? I dont wish to pour my soul out, but I am a "worryer" And I too think of things to worry about which happened eaons ago even when am feeling happy as i think the bubble will pop! But you have to enjoy what you have!!!!!!

Truly if you continue to worry what will happen when you step of the kerb you will never step off, if you know what i mean. Live in the present as its a gift for you too enjoy, the past is gone and cannot be changed and the future, well you will not know until you get there!!

It is hard to change your way of thinking and habits but if you smile every now and then and tell yourself you are in agood place and enjoying your life much more you will learn to believe!

I wish you Much happiness

LittleMonkey16

Thanks purpletopaz; I do try, honestly- I'm not like this all the time, I can be quite a constructive person! I'm also mindful of the effect this has on my partner. He isn;t stupid and he knows something's up. He knows about my debts and all of that (didn't want to be in a relationship without being honest), but I think he finds it easier to put it all out of his mind. He's naturally a very positive person. Together we've managed to really look at what we spend and now, although there is still some room for improvement, we are coping (although we do keep our financial delaings separate, so that his rating remains in isolation from mine)

ERICS_MUM

Dear Littlemonkey,

Although I don't have money probs, I have suffered with depression since 2002 and have been unable to work since 2004 so I can empathise with your emotions and compulsive thoughts. This post is a bit rambling but I hope it's worth reading. . It is written from my heart.

Personally I have always been a practical person and I can only feel "in control" when I am physically doing something about whatever my problem (or even other peoples ) is at the time.

One of the best things I ever did was to take a course of treatment called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) which helps you identify and work out your worries and how you deal with them. In my area of Essex one-to-one CBT has a waiting list of 2 years :eek: but I was lucky enough to try a computer-based course called Beat The Blues which helped me so much, and I credit it with saving my life (I sound like a drama queen but I mean it). My doctor arranged it for me via our mental health services, it was one hour a week for 8 weeks. It made me cry a lot.

This next bit will sound very weird but I call it List Therapy. When I was at my lowest and felt that my life was over, the only thing I could do to perk myself up was write lists. Lists of jobs to do, what was upsetting me, things about me that annoyed me, things I wish I had done/said, things I wish I hadn't, the good things in my life, the bad etc etc (you see, I can even write lists about my lists!).

I kept doing this for a couple of years and gradually a lot of it made sense, didn't matter any more or I had dealt with it. Not so many new things were added. I still make lists as a way of coping with life, but in a helpful way (my memory and concentration span have got very bad since my illness started).

This is my long-winded way of suggesting you have a go at writing down all the things that worry you etc - randomly you don't need neat lists! Scribble in a note book, on a blackboard, backs of envelopes, type it on your PC. Just get it all out of your head so you can face it and start to understand it. Keep adding / re-arranging things, it will never be finished! You will find that within a couple of months you will be crossing things off the lists.because they either don't matter any more or you've dealt with them.

I've no idea if this is any help but it's the only way I can reach out to you.


Linda xx

LittleMonkey16

Thanks Linda, that does help a lot. I already find making lists therapeutic, so I can imagine that working for me. I saw a psychiatrist once but it was an awful experience- he had a very 'tick-box' approach to the whole thing and got really cross when I wasn;t giving him the answers he wanted. I didn't fit into the 'thing' he had on his clip-board so I was a dead loss. He put me off big time.

Like I said earlier, I can't get the guarantees I want in life, and I need to find some way through that, because it's something I can;t change.

stebiz

LittleMonkey16 wrote: »

I'm hoping that someone will be able to help me. This has been eating away at me for a while and I feel like it's about to break me to be honest. I've been contemplating taking my own life recently, and I'm really struggling to function. I've worked hard to get myself into a better situation after getting into financial trouble while I was an undergraduate. Until recently, things were looking up (I'm still paying off creditors, and will be for a while, but I *only* owe £3500 in total now, compared with the +£5K I owed at the beginning of 2006. It's all unsecured, I have no assets (no home, no car, nothing of any remarkable value), and I'm now paying £100 a month off of the total, so I'm well on my way. My habits are completely reformed, and I have a job with good prospects, even if it doesn't pay all that well, it's a lot more than some less fortunate folk have.

The trouble is that I've been mentally ill for about 6 years now. I have severe mood swings and am currently fighting an eating disorder. A massive part of the reason for my original debt problem was that I had an almost complete mental breakdown during university- I hit the bottle, didn't have a job, stopped going to classes, and lost my grandfather with whom I'd lived as a teenager. The only good that came out of that time was that during the mess I met my lovely partner- he's the only good thing about me and the reason I don't want this to come to suicide. I don't want to leave him on his own. I know he could cope (he's a lot more sensible and capable than me and doesn't depend on me at all) but the idea of leaving him forever makes me so sad. During this horrible time in my life I had no money coming in and was essentially living on credit. At one time I was waiting for my loan payment to come through and was having to write cheques at the supermarket for food which I knew would take me over my authorised overdraft. I don;t have my bank statements from this time, and the account in question has now gone to a debt collector and is being paid off. I'm not sure if these cheques were ever honoured. What's frightening me is that if these weren't honoured, I'm not sure whether I would ever have been told, and whether I owe the supermarkets in question money as a result, or how to find out or anything. I'm terrified that I could go to prison for this. I never heard from either the bank or from the shops about this, so until now I've assumed that they were honoured- that if they hadn't been, the supermarket would have made some attempt to contact me for payment? I don't want to avoid what I owe, I'm not looking for ways of avoiding this, I just don;t know what to do. it's all such a mess, particularly as no paperwork exists for this time (we're talking about 2005 at the latest). It's been playing on my mond recently, I seem to worry about everything all of the time. I can't help but fix on the worst case scenario.

Can anyone give me any advice on what I need to do here? The cheques were always taken with a cheque guarantee card which I thought at the time would be enough to at least secure the funds for the store- I just thought that this would mean bank charges and an unauthorised overdraft for me, but now I'm not so sure.

I feel so ashamed. I don;t think I'll ever get over the shame, but I want to make this right. I had to eat.

I'm not sure that I can go on like this much longer. I feel like it's always something. I've looked around me and my twenties have disappeared in a fog of misery and debt and struggle and sadness. My life has just gone in a puff of smoke and I feel vacuous.

This brought a bit of a tear to my eye when I read this. I too have suffered from severe depression for a number of years and I know exactly what you are going through. Don't worry about things you have done (the cheques will have been paid anyway) - think about the future, not the past.

I'm sure Mr Fat Banker won't be thinking about you whilst swilling his champagne on his yacht.

Think of you and your partner. You are young and have some exciting years ahead of you.

Kind Regards
Steve

LittleMonkey16

Thanks Steve- I guess I'd just feel a lot better if I knew for sure that they had been honoured, but I guess there's no way of knowing. If they were guaranteed then I suppose that's that. It's just I've read that even where they are guaranteed the bank is not obliged to honour it where the funds aren't there. My question then would be, how would I know they hadn't been honoured?

As mentioned, this was five years ago, so I'm hoping that if anything was awry I'd know by now. The whole thing is just such a frightening mess, and I just want to be able to get on with living my life.

ERICS_MUM

LittleMonkey16 wrote: »

Thanks Steve- I guess I'd just feel a lot better if I knew for sure that they had been honoured, but I guess there's no way of knowing. If they were guaranteed then I suppose that's that. It's just I've read that even where they are guaranteed the bank is not obliged to honour it where the funds aren't there. My question then would be, how would I know they hadn't been honoured?

As mentioned, this was five years ago, so I'm hoping that if anything was awry I'd know by now. The whole thing is just such a frightening mess, and I just want to be able to get on with living my life.

You really will have to trust all of us on this ! The cheques were guaranteed by your card so the shops would have got their money - they are smart and tough and would not let their bankers refuse to pay up. Your bank would always debit your account, even if it caused or increased your overdraft, and then charge you a shed-load of interest and charges.

So, the shops are sorted, you and the CAB are getting the bank sorted, and you are getting your financial act together so you don't end up in that mess again. Practically speaking there is nothing more you can or need to do.

Have you shown your OH this thread, would it help you both to read it together ?

I do hope you can get a decent night's sleep now, safe in the knowledge that loads of people have felt like you do but have coped and survived. I'll be thinking of you

Linda xx

niccatw

ERICS_MUM wrote: »

I was lucky enough to try a computer-based course called Beat The Blues which helped me so much, and I credit it with saving my life (I sound like a drama queen but I mean it). My doctor arranged it for me via our mental health services, it was one hour a week for 8 weeks. It made me cry a lot.

I looked into this online. It looks really good but it's not available in Scotland Your GP need to refer you but that should simply be a case of asking, given your history. Here's the webpage that'll give you more info http://www.beatingtheblues.co.uk/
And you do need to trust us: the banks will have paid. That's what the guarantee is for. Thy would have just charged you unauthorised overdraft fees and taken the charges off your account. You will have paid everything you owed back then. You've only got a little bit left and you will be debt free :j And we will be here to help along the last wee bit of that journey

ch8797

Hello Little Monkey

You're obviously tormented by the thoughts and worries attached to this cheque guarantee issue. I would go to the citizens advice bureau as they can inform you of the main issues without prejudice and give you the reassurance you need.
Read your posts back. Apart from the slight hysteria at actually forcing yourself to think of this problem, you are actually pretty level headed. Read your posts, your reasoning is logical if incorrect. You are self aware of the implications of your past actions. You are worried about other people.

You say your partner doesnt depend on you - dont they? Some people need to be dependant, others need to look after them. There are alot of things that you probably take for granted about yourself which they find difficult.

Remember that the people who look like they dont have a care in the world either have really bad memory retention or a degree in amateur dramatics lol, everyone's an actor! Take care

C