getting it off my chest...

Crab

{hugs}

It doesn’t sound to me like you set out to just use this guy, like some posters have said. Sounds like you were young and felt trapped when you first got pregnant, and then you felt you should try and make a go of things and have another child so your first child wasn’t an only child, and you’ve just let things drift.

If there is no love there, then perhaps it is time to tell your husband you feel there is no future, you have drifted apart, and it’s time to split. He needs someone who wants to have a physical relationship with him, give him hugs and stuff, and you aren’t providing this. It doesn’t sound like an ideal relationship for either party, and you'd both be better off apart.

I can understand why you are bringing this up now – you’ve finally just hit that phase of enough is enough. And with your anniversary coming up, I can see why it’s all upon you right now.

It’s not too late to start again. You are only 36? I am not far off that, and feel like my life is just beginning (I only got married for the first time last year, and have only just now found out we are expecting our first child). There is no reason you can’t start again, and find a man who will fulfil you, and make you smile.

Is it him, or do you feel you are one of those people who maybe have no sexual desire? It isn’t unheard of, but if it’s the latter, and you want companionship, there are plenty of people in the same boat as you.

Maybe money will be tighter once you split, or maybe you’ll go get that career you want, and things will be great. Don’t waste another 20 years – it will be harder when you are in your fifties.

Best of luck. x

Primrose

From what you say it doesn't sound as if your husband is very happy in his marriage either and if neither of you are prepared to sit down and openly share your respective unhappinesses, I see only the prospect for further unhappiness for you both, and your children.

Your husband probably feels lonely and isolated by the lack of intimacy and love in your marriage. Intimacy isn't just about sex. It's about hugging, touching and laughing together and it doesn't sound as if there's much of it about in your house.

Perhaps it's time for you to summon up your courage and say to him, "Are you feeling as unhappy as I am with what's happening to our marriage lately? Where do you think it all started to go wrong and what can we do about it?"

This may mean having to face up to him saying some things which you may find hard to accept, but he apparently has some past behaviour which he needs to face up to too. If you want things to change, you'll both need to do things differently in future and that won't happen without first creating the environment where honest discussion can take place and you can start putting yourselves in each other's shoes and trying to understand what it feels like. . It seems as if you've both retreated into your separate worlds and if you want your marriage to improve, both of you will have to review the way you behave with each other. I'm sure your children can't enjoy the atmosphere which must exist in your house between you. Children always sense these things.

Valentines week-end is coming up. What better opportunity to use the occasion as an opportunity to try and make a fresh start? Sit down, have a nice meal and a bottle of wine. Start talking about your hopes and aspirations for the future and gradually introduce into the conversation where things started to go wrong for you both and how you cantry and make things better. Having the discussion in a friendly environment may make it easier to start talking about the more difficult aspects which you find it otherwise hard to raise.

So_lonely+afraid

Thanks for all your thoughts - good and bad.

Regarding s*x - I just don't fancy him, attraction is a big thing for me with s*x.

Maybe he is trying to provoke a reaction from me, yes I can see how that might be.

I am in my late 30's.

I married him because I loved him, or thought I did. I was young and naive and didn't for one thought imagine that I'd feel like this years down the line.

I don't think Relate would be of any good.

Sunshine12

Hectors_House wrote: »

You don't talk about your husband as if you ever loved him. In fact it seems you just used him when you wanted a child.

Out of all that you have written above I just feel sorry for your children growing up in such a loveless and seedy atmosphere.

I'm sure I'll get flamed for this but I think it needs saying.

Correct. Bang out of order and you have no right to make any kind of assumptions about it being a loveless home or what affect things may or may not have on the OP's children. You dont even know that the children are aware of any of this so making flippant comments like this is just pointless.

Mupette

have to agree with what others are saying...

you've got a husband who has had to cope with a wife who doesn't like getting intimate with him, but will only do so to produce a child (very very selfish)

you make your husband sound like a sex beast (Amsterdam)
we have only what you say that your neighbour is a working girl.


Quite frankly if your not giving him his congical rights what do you expect him to do for god sake, he is a man that has needs, *just like us women.

You've told us your story but what is it you want??

Do you want us to say there there what a rotter of a husband you have
Do you want us to say it's ok divorce the cad


Just one question tho, are you having or have you had an affair.. is this why you won't do 'it' with your husband, are you getting it elsewhere and trying to justify it?

Lotus-eater

You don't fancy him?

There must be alot more to it than that! You didn't let him touch you for years when the relationship was still in it's early stages.
Now this may or may not be down to childbirth, you haven't said.

Lets look at it shall we, you don't allow any intimacy at all, then you "allow" a tiny bit to shut him up.
Why on earth would any normal man stay in a relationship like that? Why would you?
Maybe he loved you and his child/ren, maybe he kidded himself it would get better, but it hasn't.

I'm looking at the incidents you describe and thinking, !!!!!!! what do you expect the poor guy to do? Live like a monk?

Be honest with him and end it.


There's something else in here missing, you don't want to leave, you're afraid of being alone, you don't work? How close am I?

Person_one

Mupette wrote: »

have to agree with what others are saying...



Quite frankly if your not giving him his conjugal rights what do you expect him to do for god sake, he is a man that has needs, *just like us women.

For the record, men don't have any 'rights' to have sex as and when they want it any more than women do. Willingness and consent from both parties is always needed.

Sex is an important part of a loving relationship but it is never a 'right'.

Any

Pee wrote: »

I am not sure that because a man does not have sex at home he is entitled to pay for sex, but you are right that by accepting it over the years, you have made it seem like it is ok.

Weeeell...... I am a woman and I can tell you that if I had no (or just occasional) s*x for 16 years I would go elsewhere.

Though I think I would have gotten up and left long before that.

This bloke is sticking up with a lot.

Any

Brilliant post Lotus Eater.

Lotus-eater

Any wrote: »

Weeeell...... I am a woman and I can tell you that if I had no (or just occasional) s*x for 16 years I would go elsewhere.
.

If I didn't have any for 1.6 months! I would be thinking in a different way about the fat old slapper that lives down the road........ blimey, 1.6 weeks and I'd be climbing the walls.
Luckily not everyone's like me :rotfl: