getting it off my chest...

So_lonely+afraid

Apologies for the really long post but I have to get this off my chest and find out what others think. I have set up a new username for this as I don’t want friends & family to know all this.

I’m married with 2 sons. Married for 15 years in July this year, been together 18 years on Valentines Day. Sons are 16 & 12. DH is 5 years older than me.

DH is only the 3rd boyfriend I had. 1st date Valentines day, moved in with him in June of same year and pregnant that xmas (I was 20 by the time I had DS1). Money has always been tight. Before I fell pregnant I had so many dreams and aspirations but over the years these have just disappeared. From about halfway through the pregnancy I didn’t let DH touch me, kiss me or any intimacy in anyway. This carried on until our honeymoon 2 years later, and even then it was just once to shut him up. Then I allowed more intimacy when DS1 reached the age of 3 as I wanted a 2nd child. DH wasn’t so sure about a 2nd child but I persuaded him. DH had a vasectomy once I’d had DS2 (12 years ago now) as he didn’t want more children. Over the years he has mentioned various different things that at the time I made no comment about and just turned a blind eye/ignored them. He used to go over to Amsterdam with work colleagues 2 or 3 times a year and he has admitted to paying for s*x while over there. Our neighbour is a “lady of the night” and I know he is friendly with her. She is a single parent and her DS is friends with our DS1. I don’t particularly like her as we have had an incident in the past where she has got social services to visit me at home as our children where at threat (complete lie and the social worker could see this, but at the time caused me an awful lot of stress). He has also admitted to me that (several years ago now) she has come round when I’ve been out and walked into his shed and showed him her t!ts. He says he did nothing. Her house backs onto the front of ours so he can see into her kitchen, back garden from our bedroom window and the last thing he does when he closes the curtains is stand there staring into her house – or her direction anyway. He openly talks in front of my family, our sons and friends about the different drugs he has experimented with over the years. I don’t like this public openness. Last month his mobile phone bill went through our bank at £103 – normally its around £20-£50. I sent him a text that morning to say he needs to change his phone contract and let him know what the bill went through at and he has said nothing.

I have stupidly never said anything more about these incidents. I don’t like confrontation and arguments at the best of times, so I tend not to start anything. He isn’t violent. He does help a bit round the house with housework. I don’t love him enough to want to spend the rest of my life with him, but at the same time I don’t feel I can bring all these things up from the past. I feel I should have dealt with them at the time. I hate it when people have argued with me about stuff and bring up things from the past, like they just can’t forget/forgive and keep going on about it.

If you’ve got this far, thanks.

Hectors_House

You don't talk about your husband as if you ever loved him. In fact it seems you just used him when you wanted a child.

Out of all that you have written above I just feel sorry for your children growing up in such a loveless and seedy atmosphere.

I'm sure I'll get flamed for this but I think it needs saying.

mumslave

So_lonely+afraid wrote: »

Apologies for the really long post but I have to get this off my chest and find out what others think. I have set up a new username for this as I don’t want friends & family to know all this.

I’m married with 2 sons. Married for 15 years in July this year, been together 18 years on Valentines Day. Sons are 16 & 12. DH is 5 years older than me.

DH is only the 3rd boyfriend I had. 1st date Valentines day, moved in with him in June of same year and pregnant that xmas (I was 20 by the time I had DS1). Money has always been tight. Before I fell pregnant I had so many dreams and aspirations but over the years these have just disappeared. From about halfway through the pregnancy I didn’t let DH touch me, kiss me or any intimacy in anyway. This carried on until our honeymoon 2 years later, and even then it was just once to shut him up. Then I allowed more intimacy when DS1 reached the age of 3 as I wanted a 2nd child. DH wasn’t so sure about a 2nd child but I persuaded him. DH had a vasectomy once I’d had DS2 (12 years ago now) as he didn’t want more children. Over the years he has mentioned various different things that at the time I made no comment about and just turned a blind eye/ignored them. He used to go over to Amsterdam with work colleagues 2 or 3 times a year and he has admitted to paying for s*x while over there. Our neighbour is a “lady of the night” and I know he is friendly with her. She is a single parent and her DS is friends with our DS1. I don’t particularly like her as we have had an incident in the past where she has got social services to visit me at home as our children where at threat (complete lie and the social worker could see this, but at the time caused me an awful lot of stress). He has also admitted to me that (several years ago now) she has come round when I’ve been out and walked into his shed and showed him her t!ts. He says he did nothing. Her house backs onto the front of ours so he can see into her kitchen, back garden from our bedroom window and the last thing he does when he closes the curtains is stand there staring into her house – or her direction anyway. He openly talks in front of my family, our sons and friends about the different drugs he has experimented with over the years. I don’t like this public openness. Last month his mobile phone bill went through our bank at £103 – normally its around £20-£50. I sent him a text that morning to say he needs to change his phone contract and let him know what the bill went through at and he has said nothing.

I have stupidly never said anything more about these incidents. I don’t like confrontation and arguments at the best of times, so I tend not to start anything. He isn’t violent. He does help a bit round the house with housework. I don’t love him enough to want to spend the rest of my life with him, but at the same time I don’t feel I can bring all these things up from the past. I feel I should have dealt with them at the time. I hate it when people have argued with me about stuff and bring up things from the past, like they just can’t forget/forgive and keep going on about it.

If you’ve got this far, thanks.

Frankly I dont blame the poor bloke for getting it elsewhere. You gave him intimacy just to 'shut him up' and then used him to have another child. Nice. Constructive advice would be either go to relate or leave him and let him find someone that is actually attracted to him.

xmaslolly76

Why on earth did you marry this man if you didnt want him touching you or even kissing you ?

I hope you come back and put us all right but it does sound like you have just used this poor man for your own ends and dont love him at all. I really cant blame him for getting his kicks elsewhere. I am really surprised he hasnt just upped and left. I agree with mumslave get councilling or leave

I know it sounds harsh but try reading your post as an outsider.

gingin_2

I think the lady over the road is a side issue and doesn't really need to be brought up if you want to go.

If you don't love him, you need to be fair on the both of you and work up the courage to leave him. I can't see that a loveless relationship of 18 years can be saved. Whilst you could try Relate, they can't really create feelings that aren't or never have been there. Are there any feelings left? have there ever been any feelings?

What do you want to do and what would make you happy?

I think the harsh responses are a shame. The OP has obviously worked up the courage to create an ae and post because she is exasperated and quite likely might not come back now. She sounds very down.

P.S I was married with a child at 22 and I can understand how you feel re. aspirations and dreams going. I have to remind myself that I am the controller of my own destiny and that I chose that situation. It's easy to dream about what might have been, but in reality, it might have been something very different. I guess you are still in your thirties? You have plenty of time to retrain and do what you want. Dwelling on what might have been is not healthy, in my opinion. Instead, use that time to work on what could be.

Pollycat

I'm a bit confused about why you feel the need to post NOW.

A lot of the things you mention are in the past - except maybe the mobile bill from last month.
Regarding that, you either ask him to explain why it was so high or you leave it at that.

Are you absolutely sure about him STARING at this neighbour's house?
How long does he stand there?
Or could it be in your imagination?

You mention he speaks about taking drugs 'over the years'.
Is he still taking drugs?

If he isn't, why are you unhappy about this 'open-ness' - unless he's bragging to your sons (which, imho, is not 'on' given their ages)?

Pee

Erm, thank you for posting and being so open and honest.

I am not sure that because a man does not have sex at home he is entitled to pay for sex, but you are right that by accepting it over the years, you have made it seem like it is ok.

Totally agree about the openness in a fairly public situation about drugs. People who think talking drugs is cool and something to brag about worry me.

Do you want to try Relate and give the mariage a second chance? If he was willing to make an effort, would you?

Or do you feel that you would be better off cutting your losses and ending the relationship?

I suspect that most of us have dreams and ambitions which have to be at least postponed whilst real life and children get in the way. If your dreams were to be a pop star, then maybe that time has passed, but if you wanted to do a degree or write a novel, might it be time to reconsider your dreams now?

Having children young means that you will have some time to yourself again whilst you are still young. Time to reconnect with your partner or make your own life, or a combination of the two.

kegg_2

sorry but living in that sterlile loveless mariage would be enought to drive a saint to drugs.
You are lucky he has stuck it out so long as most men would have walked long ago.
Do the bloke a favour and leave him

busiscoming2

Yes, why did you move in with and then marry him? I feel sorry for him. Perhaps I am being presumptious when I say most of us at one time or another can't be bothered to have s*x with our partners, but generally this is short lived. You say you have 'allowed intimacey' on the occasions to suit you. Do you have a deep seated problem as to why you don't want intimacy? Perhaps counselling for this may help.

I think the way he is quite obvious about the other lady (of the night) and his trips to Amsterdam as well as talking about drugs in front of the family makes me think he is trying to provoke a reaction from you? Most people dislike confrontation but you must seem to him to be very un feeling not to react to any of these situations!

Don't want to offend you, but try seeing it from your husbands perspective.

iamana1ias

I'm having de ja vous. This has been done before.

JoJoB

You both sound very lonely and your OH probably needs some validation that he is still attractive etc if you make it so abundantly clear that you find sex with him a chore. I would suspect that drugs and sexual escapades are a form of escapism for him - not condoning it and it obviously makes you feel terrible. But you've sort of colluded by not mentioning anything about it - because to do so will lead to confrontation about your hatred of sex or your fundamental lack of attraction to your husband.

Do you know why you feel this way about sex? Is it just with him or sex generally that you hate?