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Feeling the Vilain. Re: Relationship.

2

Comments

  • Thanks guys,

    In terms of my parents they only had three requests, most of those being about the church and victorian traditions! So, in the grand scheme of things, wasn't really alot.

    Despite this, i think i've made the right decision and thank you so much, i've been feeling really rubbish all day but you have cheered me up a bit.
  • Errata
    Errata Posts: 38,230 Forumite
    10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Thanks guys,

    In terms of my parents they only had three requests, most of those being about the church and victorian traditions! So, in the grand scheme of things, wasn't really alot.

    Despite this, i think i've made the right decision and thank you so much, i've been feeling really rubbish all day but you have cheered me up a bit.


    Chin up, chest out and off you go :T
    .................:)....I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on ...:)
  • Angelic
    Angelic Posts: 2,474 Forumite
    Stephb1986 wrote: »
    I know totally how you feel I got engaged on christmas day, I still live with my parents but my OH has his own house but his dad lives with him as he can't be trusted to pay the bills and look after himself. We are due to get married in 4 years my OH seems to think that I am just going to leave my parents home and live with him and his dad (this has been his family home for the last 26 years) so I can see why he doesn't want to give it up.


    You're having a four year engagement then plan on moving away from work to share a house with your father in law? No wonder you are having cold feet as it seems like he is in charge of all of your plans! A relationship needs compromise on both sides to work.

    OP-If you feel ok without him (once the shock has died down) then I guess you made the right decision. I don't think he was wrong in wanting some say on his wedding day as I disagree with the idea that it's the bride day , it's the day two people join together for the rest of their lives so it doesn't matter what the families want really.
  • I got caught in the middle.

    ^^^^^^^This is where your problem lies.

    Being in a relationship/marriage means you present a united front. Your parents had no right to start dictating how YOUR wedding should be. And they certainly had no right to be angry with you both for not agreeing with THEIR ideas.

    I'm sorry for the way things have turned out, but if I was your Fiance, then I would be angry with them too. If he'd have caved in and gone along with their wishes, he would've been setting a dangerous precedent. What would have been the next problem? Your parent's wanting to name your babies?

    Time to assert youself as an adult.
  • Lotus-eater
    Lotus-eater Posts: 10,789 Forumite
    10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    edited 11 February 2010 am28 9:30AM
    Thanks guys,

    In terms of my parents they only had three requests, most of those being about the church and victorian traditions! So, in the grand scheme of things, wasn't really alot.

    Despite this, i think i've made the right decision and thank you so much, i've been feeling really rubbish all day but you have cheered me up a bit.
    I can only agree with most of the other posters.

    They are allowed to have requests, but that's it, full stop, they can't make you feel guilty about not doing it their way, they can't cause arguments with your husband to be.

    I haven't heard one thing about what you want yet. Parents don't get a say, you and your OH decide what you want and tell the parents, he will be the rest of your life, together you will form a new family (well not any more, but you only split up over this one thing.) Consider it from his POV, he expected you to back HIM up! He expected you to be side by side with him and tell both sets of parents what you are having.

    But anyway, you've split up now, I hope you don't regret it.
    Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 35,364 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Savvy Shopper!
    Stephb1986 wrote: »
    I know totally how you feel I got engaged on christmas day, I still live with my parents but my OH has his own house but his dad lives with him as he can't be trusted to pay the bills and look after himself. We are due to get married in 4 years my OH seems to think that I am just going to leave my parents home and live with him and his dad (this has been his family home for the last 26 years) so I can see why he doesn't want to give it up.

    I don't want to move in as.....
    1. It won't ever feel like my house
    2. His dad lives there rent free doesn't pay anything why should I support his dad.
    3. His mum won't come round as it is her ex's house (not that I really get on with her but still)
    4. His dad has the bigger bedroom
    5. It's 25 miles from where my parents live and where I work (I work from home and no I can't move it as it's an ironing service)
    6. His sister and her kids will be coming round all the time unannounced (because she grew up in the house too)
    7. He works nights so will be like passing ships :(

    I just don't think it would work for me to move in there and be with his dad all the time he is noisy and selfish and messy :(

    I'm so torn now.


    Sorry rant over now :)

    Perhaps you could rent your house out for 6 months and see how it goes if you don't like it then make him sell his house then :)

    Steph xx

    Steph
    Re the parts of your post that I've put in BOLD:
    Have you really discussed your future life and living arrangements with your OH?
    If you haven't (and in the same terms as you've used here) then I think you need to do it pretty soon.
    You say your OH THINKS you'll be moving in with him - but you say you don't THINK it will work.
    It needs to be out in the open - and NOW, not 4 years down the line.

    Four years might seem a long time but you might find yourself getting more and more resentful of what your OH expects your new life together to be like - and that will take its toll on the relationship.

    FWIW, I totally agree with most of the reasons that you list against NOT moving in with your OH.
    THIS one I'm not so sure about.
    7. He works nights so will be like passing ships

    Surely regardless of where you live, if your OH works nights it'll be the same.

    However, I can see that being in the house in the evening with your OH's Dad while your OH is at work could make the situation even worse for you to put up with.

    Good luck.
  • Filey
    Filey Posts: 315 Forumite
    I couldn't bear to live in someone else's family home complete with family. My surroundings matter a lot to me and if I felt unable to alter anything or get rid of unlovely furniture I wouldn't feel it was MY home. I would feel I was a lodger or a housekeeper. But we're all different and if those things are unimportant to you then it's not a problem.

    If his Dad got ill would you be expected to look after him? I don't mean just a helping hand and cooking a meal, but virtually becoming a carer. Presumably Dad is retired. Has Dad got outside interests?

    Why is the wedding planned for 4 years hence? Seems a long time off, so squabbling about wedding plans seems a bit premature. I think you did the right thing calling it off as there seems to be a lot of things which need further consideration.

    Hope you work everything out OK.
  • Pee
    Pee Posts: 3,826 Forumite
    Maybe this is why weddings are designed to be so stressful and compliacted, so that you can find out what someone is really like under pressure, the same pressure that will arise in sharing a home and especially having children.

    You seem to have acted very logically and in the long run he should be grateful because you haven't led him on and wasted his time.
  • Filey wrote: »
    I couldn't bear to live in someone else's family home complete with family. My surroundings matter a lot to me and if I felt unable to alter anything or get rid of unlovely furniture I wouldn't feel it was MY home. I would feel I was a lodger or a housekeeper. But we're all different and if those things are unimportant to you then it's not a problem.

    If his Dad got ill would you be expected to look after him? I don't mean just a helping hand and cooking a meal, but virtually becoming a carer. Presumably Dad is retired. Has Dad got outside interests?

    Why is the wedding planned for 4 years hence? Seems a long time off, so squabbling about wedding plans seems a bit premature. I think you did the right thing calling it off as there seems to be a lot of things which need further consideration.

    Hope you work everything out OK.

    We haven't called it off. The reason why it's in 4 years time is because we are paying for it ourselves we can save up for it and have enough money for it without going into debt.

    His dad isn't retired at all he does work weekends but hardly ever as he has a bad back and is on disability. I don't know the details as he isn't my concern. I think you are right though if his dads health did deteriorate I probably would be expected to care for him. He treats the house like a hotel comes and goes as he pleases.

    Like for instants this weekend he worked friday till sunday he came home sunday night didn't see my OH as he was already asleep and I had already come home. Monday morning he woke OH up at 9am to tell him he was off out and will only be back next monday so OH asked where he was going and he said on holiday to tenerife for a week. They have two dogs my OH works nights one has to be put in a cage as she destroys the house so it's not fair on her when he works from 5pm till 5:30am he had to nip home from work on monday night to let her out for a bit and he's had to book the rest of the week off work because of his dad leaving him in the lurch. He doesn't contribute to any of the bills told my OH he was paying gas, electric and council tax because he hasn't paid the gas and electric they have now been put on a card metre :mad: he's had numerous letters about the council tax and has only just paid it (this is all without OH knowing) He is just a liability.

    I just don't know how to put it into words without offending him that I'm not moving into that house.

    We sort of discussed living arrangements at the weekend and he said well you will just move into here and I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to and will have to think about it.

    I'm not so bothered about him working nights he's done it since we had been together 6 months and its now 3 years! I just feel that if I lived in that house with his dad and my OH working nights I would just get depressed. His dad has to have what he wants on the downstairs tv meanwhile me and OH are upstairs in the bedroom watching tv. I can't even go to the loo without me thinking he's listening :o

    Don't get me wrong me and his dad are ok with eachother but it doesn't mean I want to live with him.

    Steph xx
  • Lotus-eater
    Lotus-eater Posts: 10,789 Forumite
    10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Steph, two things spring to mind.
    Firstly, I would want to know the truth that you don't want to live with his Dad if I was your OH.
    2nd, you do know you can get married for very little money, ie almost nothing? Sounds like your money you are saving, could go on something more useful than a wedding.
    Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.
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