Feeling the Vilain. Re: Relationship.

alipops1986

Hey folks,

I really need to let out what is going on at the moment.

2 weeks ago my boyfriend of nrly 6 mnths who i have known for 8 yrs, proposed to me. At first, i was soooooo happy and so seemed our families.

Then the wedding fuss began, despite the 18mnths in advance time scale. My family were possibly the worst, taking it all very traditional and victorian in their ideas.

I got caught in the middle. My family were very angry they felt we werent listening to them, my fiance was very angry that he felt they were taking over. I cried, alot and despite this my fiance wouldn't even agree to disagree/compromise to make peace. Instead it all got worse, again with me in the middle. No matter which way i went, i'd be wrong to the other party.

So, i decided i had to think about everything and to a point i drew up a list in my mind. Positives and Negatives of the relationship/wedding. everything. Unfortunately, i realized that i wasn't sure about either of the elements. I wasn't sure about selling my home, effectively losing my parents and i was so upset with the way my fiance dug his heels in so much, despite how upset i was.

In the end, a week ago, i called off the engagement and split from my fiance. The hardest thing, i cried for a whole day, non-stop. However, my fiance never protested anything, until now.

I feel SO horrible and such a cow for what i have done, even though most the time i am excited about my future, being independant and able to keep my house. However, i just can't get over how much upset i have caused him.

Thanks for listening,
Alipops

simpywimpy

You werent the one in the wrong from what you said, the families were. This happens so often where families on both sides feel they have the right to command what they want from the wedding when in fact, it up to you and your other half.

Your fiance should have supported you in this and decided with you, to tell both families that you would be deciding between yourselves the arrangements and would let them know what you had agreed. Nicely of course

Im not surprised you feel let down when he refused to compromise on such an important issue and effectively dismissed your feelings in all this.

Some time apart to see how you really feel is a good idea. It's a big step to take and sometimes, things like this can show faults you were previously trying not to notice.

I hope things work out but if they don't, better to know now than after the wedding. x

pigpen

Why did you allow your family to interfere? It wasn't their wedding it was yours.. did they disapprove of fiance?

It sounds like you are better off without any of them.. and next time you plan a wedding remember it is YOUR day.. not your mums or your aunt fanny's... yours and don't let anyone take that away from you1

Better still if they behave like morons.. elope!!

As for the fiance.. maybe he decided he couldn't be bothered fighting for you if your family interfere this much before a wedding what would they be like afterwards?!! :eek: I'd be counting my blessings I got out fast!

You are an adult.. you can assert yourself and say 'well actually, I have other plans' and not be dissuaded from them.

What do you feel is the right way to go?

do you want to get back with fiance?
Do you want to just move on with your life and find someone new then start all this over again?

i think you need to figure out what it is you actually do want in your own head before you start bringing other people into the equation.

Sorry to be blunt.. but you probably know all this already

mrcow

Well if you feel better off without him, then perhaps you've both had a pretty narrow escape.

Whatever you do, don't string him along. if you're not going to be together then make the break clean. He deserves better than to be mucked about further.

And about your family butting in about the wedding - they need to wind their necks in - it's not their wedding.

Errata

Sounds like everyone was biting lumps out of you to satisfy their own hunger.
Not every engagement ends in a wedding, the whole point of an engagement is that it's a step change and an opportunity for new relationship dynamics and thinking. HTH

Pollycat

alipops1986 wrote: »

Hey folks,

I really need to let out what is going on at the moment.

2 weeks ago my boyfriend of nrly 6 mnths who i have known for 8 yrs, proposed to me. At first, i was soooooo happy and so seemed our families.

Then the wedding fuss began, despite the 18mnths in advance time scale. My family were possibly the worst, taking it all very traditional and victorian in their ideas.

I got caught in the middle. My family were very angry they felt we werent listening to them, my fiance was very angry that he felt they were taking over. I cried, alot and despite this my fiance wouldn't even agree to disagree/compromise to make peace. Instead it all got worse, again with me in the middle. No matter which way i went, i'd be wrong to the other party.

So, i decided i had to think about everything and to a point i drew up a list in my mind. Positives and Negatives of the relationship/wedding. everything. Unfortunately, i realized that i wasn't sure about either of the elements. I wasn't sure about selling my home, effectively losing my parents and i was so upset with the way my fiance dug his heels in so much, despite how upset i was.

In the end, a week ago, i called off the engagement and split from my fiance. The hardest thing, i cried for a whole day, non-stop. However, my fiance never protested anything, until now.

I feel SO horrible and such a cow for what i have done, even though most the time i am excited about my future, being independant and able to keep my house. However, i just can't get over how much upset i have caused him.

Thanks for listening,
Alipops

Hi
I think your ex-fiance put you in a very difficult position - that's assuming that you weren't telling him one thing (what he wanted to hear) and then telling your parents another thing (what they wanted to hear).
In that case, you put him in a difficult position.

FWIW, I think you probably did the right thing and from what you say, you do too.

Re your final paragraph, I think you shouldn't be too hard on yourself.
What have you actually done?
You've taken a long, hard look at your relationship and decided that it wouldn't work.

Much, much better now than a few years down the line, don't you think?

I wish you well in your new independant life. :beer:

PandorasJar

Only 6months before the engagement?! Maybe that's part of the problem hon, it all because too realistic and you probably weren't with the person you thought you were.

Yes, I know you've known him for 8 years, but when it turns into a relationship, it's a total new step, you're on top of each other every day etc, it's totally new. If you regret leaving him at all, maybe it was just the speed of it? Chill out for a while, then see if you think you still need him, if not, I really hope you keep him in your life as a friend as he must've meant something to have been around that long in the first place

P

tandraig

alipops, If he didnt support you over the wedding, then the likelihood is that he never would during the marraige!
thats why its a good idea to have an engagement period - and you wouldnt be the first lady to discover that the person they courted (old-fashioned term but you know what I mean) isnt the person they thought they were going to marry!
as for hurting him now - well, he hurt you by not standing by your side when you needed him to! and believe me hun, a divorce would hurt much much more!
I believe that you were right hun, and he wasnt the man for you.
I wish you well and that in the future you will find the man who will stand firm for you (and know you know how family react to wedding plans - you will know how to avoid those issues in future, wont you?)

Wickedkitten

I can see why your fiance would be getting annoyed personally. It's not your parents day, its meant to be yours and his.

my fiance was very angry that he felt they were taking over. I cried, alot and despite this my fiance wouldn't even agree to disagree/compromise to make peace.

Why should he have to do all of the compromising to make peace, when it seems like your parents weren't willing or even asked to? This is part and parcel of what you have to deal with when you have dominating parents and yeah, it might not be nice being in the middle, but it's up to you to say "you know what mum and dad, you both know I love you to death and you only have my best interests at heart, but this is the way that we have decided to do x" If you don't do this now, then the same thing will end up happening again,

Person_one

Wickedkitten wrote: »

I can see why your fiance would be getting annoyed personally. It's not your parents day, its meant to be yours and his.



Why should he have to do all of the compromising to make peace, when it seems like your parents weren't willing or even asked to? This is part and parcel of what you have to deal with when you have dominating parents and yeah, it might not be nice being in the middle, but it's up to you to say "you know what mum and dad, you both know I love you to death and you only have my best interests at heart, but this is the way that we have decided to do x" If you don't do this now, then the same thing will end up happening again,

Agreed. When you choose to marry somebody they have to become your new 'family unit' and yes they should come first before parents. I wouldn't be happy about a partner's parents trying to take over the wedding planning, its nothing to do with them, all they need to know is when and where to show up! I'd be worried that I was letting myself in for a lifetime of doing things my in-laws way.

To you OP though, from your feelings about the future it seems like you have made the right decision. Try not to feel too guilty, its better to do this than to marry him with any doubts. Take some time to enjoy the independence of your first home and in future don't get engaged too quickly and practice standing up to your parents a bit, you're an adult now!

Stephb1986_2

I know totally how you feel I got engaged on christmas day, I still live with my parents but my OH has his own house but his dad lives with him as he can't be trusted to pay the bills and look after himself. We are due to get married in 4 years my OH seems to think that I am just going to leave my parents home and live with him and his dad (this has been his family home for the last 26 years) so I can see why he doesn't want to give it up.

I don't want to move in as.....
1. It won't ever feel like my house
2. His dad lives there rent free doesn't pay anything why should I support his dad.
3. His mum won't come round as it is her ex's house (not that I really get on with her but still)
4. His dad has the bigger bedroom
5. It's 25 miles from where my parents live and where I work (I work from home and no I can't move it as it's an ironing service)
6. His sister and her kids will be coming round all the time unannounced (because she grew up in the house too)
7. He works nights so will be like passing ships

I just don't think it would work for me to move in there and be with his dad all the time he is noisy and selfish and messy

I'm so torn now.


Sorry rant over now

Perhaps you could rent your house out for 6 months and see how it goes if you don't like it then make him sell his house then

Steph xx