OH's children, ex and money

mummy_Jay

rockingit wrote: »

I guess we've just been holding out and holding out that he will eventually see sense and 'do the right thing by his children' and are scared of running the risk of them holding it against us in later life. But yes, we pretty much are on the verge of just giving up on him, and tbh it would be a convenient 'excuse' as explanation to the kids if he was in trouble with the law. The trouble with morals is that you have to apply them even to those which lack them and we're both of us just too damn nice!!!

It's all very nice for him, you bending over backwards to give him a chance at having a relationship with the kids but the kids are suffering. All this messing about being there for a little bit then not really wanting to know, it's like keeping a wound open on the kids. They will be waiting on him rather than out just being kids.
There comes a time when you have to but the kids wellbeing before their relationship with him and it sounds like you just about at that point whether you like it or not.
Ask the kids what they want and when they want to see him and you tell him what and when rather than visa versa, if he wants to be part of their lives he should be bending to fit into their lives not the other way round. If he can't do that now he's got all this free time, it's time to start preparing the kids for him just not being there, as I get the feeling thats his intention anyway. Take it as a one last chance to really make it up to the kids and to show his true intent.

rockingit_2

Idiophreak wrote: »

Sorry to say it, but if you're treating these kids like your own, surely providing for them is your job now, not just his.

Fine, I realise the laws are there for a reason and blah blah blah - but something more fundamental is going on here...if you're so heavily reliant on income from a former partner, you're obviously struggling to provide well for your family - plenty of families manager to live their lives without a *magic* £400 arriving through the post each month.

That being the case, it's time to man up, let the self-employed thing go and get a steady job that will provide for your (growing?) family. Or, alternatively, accept that it's your employment choices that are causing the hardships in your family and stop trying to blame it all on the ex.

If you *just let the money go*, you'll be able to address other issues with the relationship between your children and their (natural) father - but until then, this is going to be a sticking point.

You have to look at things from both sides - I bet the guy's thrilled that his £400/month has been used for however long in order to subsidise your pet projects...

I think you need to re-read my original post. My oh would be in this situation completely irrelevant to me being on the scene or not, and no, 'his money' goes into a separate account and pays only for things to do with his children. He is not subsidising 'us', it is me subsidising him. And the only thing which I have by way of a pet project is a ten year old labrador. What I do is a business decision for the long term not a lifestyle whim.

If as a couple we were making £50k a day, the morals of this still apply, and I'd still be just as p'eed off.

Idiophreak

rockingit wrote: »

I think you need to re-read my original post. My oh would be in this situation completely irrelevant to me being on the scene or not,

You being on the scene is not completely irrelevant though, is it. If it was just your OH, she'd be alone and trying to support children on a single income. You're there now, so you're trying to support the children with two incomes, so it's not quite the same thing.

rockingit wrote: »

and no, 'his money' goes into a separate account and pays only for things to do with his children. He is not subsidising 'us', it is me subsidising him. And the only thing which I have by way of a pet project is a ten year old labrador.

Even if you put money in a "special pot" for the children, that's still money you're not having to put in the pot from elsewhere. I assume the children will always need shoes, jumpers etc - and someone has to pay for them. So, if he pays for the child's shoes and their jumper, you can afford a few more tins of Pedigree Chum for your lab. By subsidising your children he, by default, subsidises anything else you spend money on, too.

rockingit wrote: »

What I do is a business decision for the long term not a lifestyle whim.

Great, be proud of that. But be mindful of the fact your quality of life is being reduced short-term by your decision to stick with it...

rockingit wrote: »

If as a couple we were making £50k a day, the morals of this still apply, and I'd still be just as p'eed off.

I just don't see any moral argument here. He, presumably, didn't like his job - or just didn't like working, so he quit his job - meaning he has less money to support his children. You elect to be self-employed in a recession, meaning you have less money to support your children. He's taking a couple of years on a lesser wage til his pension kicks in. You're taking a couple of years before the business takes off...

I'm not saying you're doing the wrong thing, I'm sure you're trying to act in the long-term interests of your family - and I applaud you for that. I'm just pointing out that there's two sides to every story and his view of you may be about as great as yours is of him.

The money, as you said, is putting a strain on your relationship - so one way or another, learn to do without it. Stick anything he gives you into a trust fund for the kids at uni, but think of it as a bonus. That way your relationship isn't reliant on any other third party, which is a much more healthy state of affairs.

FATBALLZ

If this guy chooses not to support his children what's that got to do with you? It's between him and the mother. It's his loss, as his children will grow up to realise their dad chose not to support them. But the mother is not on her own, she has you so you are a normal family, and should be supporting yourself regardless of what this guy does. It sounds like you are angry this guy isn't subsidising your family unit, and blaming your inability to financially provide for yourselves on him. You should stay out of it and concentrate on sorting yourself out.

rockingit_2

I'm going to close this thread (as is) with a big thank you to all for your opinions.

It's the first time I've done a 'proper' post and the reactions have variously been either in tune with my own/our thoughts or surprised us with a level of vehemence or innuendo which suggests that there are a lot of very hurt and angry people out there from their own experiences.

It also seems that the mere idea of touting for an opinion is tantamount to admitting either failure or not being able to cope with a situation regardless. I've not shared the finer details of our finances as I think it irrelevant, but I say 'self employed' and 'struggling in the economic times' and people have been quick to assume it means I'm either a dreamer or a bad business man. I'm neither, as reflected in my last set of accounts and the fact that in better times I make a very decent living, thank you. Nor am I 'stealing his kids' or 'getting in the middle of what doesn't concern me'. OH read this thread and expressed dismay at people's anger, too.

I'm not annoyed at providing for his/our children - I've been doing that as a by-product of our relationship since it began - my dismay is just how the State can allow such immoral practice to continue and what on earth is/was the CSA for, anyway? Maybe I'm just being naive.

Oh, and to answer the obvious - yes, we have decided to shop him for benefits abuse and I'm also in discussion with the Police fraud section about various other things. He spent about two hours the other night screaming abuse at DD - yes, his own daughter - down the phone, to the point where SHE sent him a text saying she wants nothing more to do with him. That was the final straw.

pusscat

Rockingit,

Being a good step parent is one of the hardest jobs in the world.....I feel for you as making the right decisions is often not easy.

When you take a step family into your heart you automatically take on the problems, finances and inner workings of any family, if not more so.

I have been a step mum to 2 for many years now - things have not always been plain sailing, but the things I have learnt are:

1) You can only be responsible for your own actions. You cannot control the actions of another so it is pointless trying to.

2) You can only influence/decide what the kids do whilst they are in your home/on your time, what they do/don't do with their "other parent" is none of your business (unless it is putting them is SERIOUS harms way)

3) It takes several years for a new step family to start to settle down, don't expect things to happen quickly.

4) As the new step parent you are best staying out of the relationship that your OH has with his/her ex. Support your OH privately but let the 2 ex partners sort their kids and their business out between them. The ex is not likely to want to take advice from you so don't antagonise the situation by giving it.

5) As a new step parent you are best not doing any major discipline or changing any major rules until you are very established. You need to form a team with your OH, but she needs to be doing the majority of the discipline. It concerns me that you say you are taking on the majority of the load - you simply cannot do that as you do not have a parental bond with the kids - you will have a bond in time, but you are trying to force a situation too quickly.

6) In time, you will develop your own relationship with the kids - one that is seperate from you being Mummys boyfriend/partner etc, but this takes TIME.

7) Any problems with the ex should never be discussed in front of the kids- it's not their problem and they still love their dad, any attempt to hurt that relationship will end in tears.

8) Your OH's Ex has every legal right not to work if he does not want to - sorry, that is just the way it is. You can also stop work if you want to.

9) You can't make the ex parent in a way that you think is fit - nor can your OH. The last people he will want to take parenting advice from is his ex and her boyfriend.

10) Your step kids are probably feeling pretty vulnerable, especially as there is a new one on the way. Try to focus on the thnings that matter and the things you can change - forget about the rest.

11) When the kids say they hate their Dad never do anything apart from a non commital hmmm, they love their Dad, regardless of how he treats them, and they are just letting off steam by saying they hate him - they probably tell him that they hate you, it is just a teenagers way of dealing with a situation.

I think you are doing a grand job by bringing up someone elses kids, but please keep your energy for the things that matter - like forming a great family bond, rather than wasting your energy on anger at a situation that you will not be able to change.

As a (step) parent you have many many much bigger hurdles to cross in the next 20 years, sometimes it is best just to let things go.

Puss
xx

welshmoneylover

Reading between the lines OP, you seem to be taking great delight in seeing your step children turn against their own father.

I'm a step parent and I DO NOT GET INVOLVED in any shape or form with money between their mother and my partner.

It is none of my business, and I feel the children are better off for it instead of getting caught piggy in the middle.

Butterfly_Brain

He sounds like my ex BIL who has never paid maintenance and keeps swaning of to portugal when SIL gets too close to finding him. Even the kids won't have anything to do with him - now she is with a great man who treats the kids as if they were his own and to be quite honest the child maintenance people are a complete waste of time in situations like this, because when she phoned them they told her it was a waste of time trying to get back maintenance off of him.