OH's children, ex and money

rockingit_2

Just thought I'd see what other people think about this:
I moved in with my oh a couple of months ago after a couple of years of being together. I relocated lock stock and barrel completely after 34 years of living nearly 100 miles away and have in every way given my all to my new life and love. She has two kids from a previous marriage who I treat and love as my own, I have none from my previous marriage, and we are about to start trying for one together. The kids father is, quite frankly, the thorn in our side. I won't elaborate, but he's just not a nice guy and it is largely me that gets to deal with all the mixed and torn emotions of the children, when he can be bothered to see them - daughter of 12 in particular. There's not a day goes by without me being shouted at that she hates me and dad is much better..... (which we all know isn't true and she'll come running back to me for a hug and a sorry later on :j).

He (ex) has been paying oh maintenance every month according to the usual CSA stuff and it's been about £400 which he's constantly used as a lever with the kids. To cut a story short, he recently RESIGNED his job (with the MOD Police) and is now claiming every possible lazy benefit off the state, we feel just to coast his way through another 6 years until he gets his MOD & Police pension at age 55; probably living in Portugal with his girlfriend whilst he does this. He's often threatened to do it and seem to have done so.

The net result is that oh is now in receipt of a miserly £20 A MONTH instead of £400 as he is on benefits....we're not exactly flush at the moment as I've had a terrible time being self employed the last year or so, as has the oh (also self employed) and so his selfishness and laziness are putting a huge practical and emotional strain on our relationship despite the fact that all of us got divorced years ago.

I'm not against being 'the breadwinner' for all of us as a family, I want to provide for those I love, but when I'm knocking on doors looking for bar work to supplement what my 'proper' business can't earn at the moment in the knowledge that he's living the life of Riley and just being lazy having given up a job earning him £2k a month.....

I just cannot believe that the State will allow such an injustice. Thankfully he and I don't have any reason to come into contact, because if we did the outcome might not be pretty.

I'm sooooo tempted to report him for benefits fraud (as well as the fact that he must have lied to them to claim what he is, he also seems to have a nice little ebay business going on) and there are other legal matters which he could be jailed for such as inheritance fraud, but to do so wouldn't be fair on his children - whom I love dearly and wouldn't want to see them upset with their dad behind bars.

Frustrated, angry and out of options!!!! :mad:

Welcome peoples thoughts and views.

(sorry this is so long.)

Gingham_Ribbon

What does your partner think would be the best course of action? Whatever decisions you make need to be made and acted on together in my opinion. No real other opinion on this, except that your step daughter is 'that age' and your continued support will hopefully earn her trust.

rockingit_2

OH is just as shocked and indignant at the situation as I am; we're not in a position to 'do' anything other than work even harder to plug the practical hole - the kids come first.

As for pre-teenage tantrums - I wasn't a youth worker for fifteen years for nothing!! She'll come around eventually, it's just that I represent what she doesn't want - someone who's barriers don't move and is steadfast throughout after having enjoyed many years of being able to play one parent off against the other. In fairness to her, even SHE seems to be getting fed up with their dad.

red_devil

rockingit wrote: »

Just thought I'd see what other people think about this:
I moved in with my oh a couple of months ago after a couple of years of being together. I relocated lock stock and barrel completely after 34 years of living nearly 100 miles away and have in every way given my all to my new life and love. She has two kids from a previous marriage who I treat and love as my own, I have none from my previous marriage, and we are about to start trying for one together. The kids father is, quite frankly, the thorn in our side. I won't elaborate, but he's just not a nice guy and it is largely me that gets to deal with all the mixed and torn emotions of the children, when he can be bothered to see them - daughter of 12 in particular. There's not a day goes by without me being shouted at that she hates me and dad is much better..... (which we all know isn't true and she'll come running back to me for a hug and a sorry later on :j).

He (ex) has been paying oh maintenance every month according to the usual CSA stuff and it's been about £400 which he's constantly used as a lever with the kids. To cut a story short, he recently RESIGNED his job (with the MOD Police) and is now claiming every possible lazy benefit off the state, we feel just to coast his way through another 6 years until he gets his MOD & Police pension at age 55; probably living in Portugal with his girlfriend whilst he does this. He's often threatened to do it and seem to have done so.

The net result is that oh is now in receipt of a miserly £20 A MONTH instead of £400 as he is on benefits....we're not exactly flush at the moment as I've had a terrible time being self employed the last year or so, as has the oh (also self employed) and so his selfishness and laziness are putting a huge practical and emotional strain on our relationship despite the fact that all of us got divorced years ago.

I'm not against being 'the breadwinner' for all of us as a family, I want to provide for those I love, but when I'm knocking on doors looking for bar work to supplement what my 'proper' business can't earn at the moment in the knowledge that he's living the life of Riley and just being lazy having given up a job earning him £2k a month.....

I just cannot believe that the State will allow such an injustice. Thankfully he and I don't have any reason to come into contact, because if we did the outcome might not be pretty.

I'm sooooo tempted to report him for benefits fraud (as well as the fact that he must have lied to them to claim what he is, he also seems to have a nice little ebay business going on) and there are other legal matters which he could be jailed for such as inheritance fraud, but to do so wouldn't be fair on his children - whom I love dearly and wouldn't want to see them upset with their dad behind bars.

Frustrated, angry and out of options!!!! :mad:

Welcome peoples thoughts and views.

(sorry this is so long.)

if your sure he has given up his job on purpose then report him you dont have to say who it is do you?

red_devil

his kids seem to be upset anyway so why not go for it if you have proof.

Oldernotwiser

If he's given up his job voluntarily the only sanction would be for him not to receive JSA for 6 months,which will mean he has even less money. The onlything to report him for would be for running an Ebay business and that's difficult as you're allowed to sellyour own belongings when you're on benefits.

I can understand that you're annoyed but I don't think that there's much you can do about it,I'm afraid.

emlou2009

If he has no traceable form of income other than benefits, then obviously the CSA arent going to be asking for any more money from him are they? If he is off living with a new partner who is subsidising his living expenses they cant be expected to pay for kids that arent theirs from a previous relationship, the situation with yourself is obviously different as you've taken them on yourself.

rockingit_2

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

If he's given up his job voluntarily the only sanction would be for him not to receive JSA for 6 months,which will mean he has even less money. The onlything to report him for would be for running an Ebay business and that's difficult as you're allowed to sellyour own belongings when you're on benefits.

I can understand that you're annoyed but I don't think that there's much you can do about it,I'm afraid.

The only bit of this that I challenge is that if it's been done deliberately to deny someone what you justifiably owe them, or would owe them, then it IS fraud by definition of the Act.

rockingit_2

Creditcruncher wrote: »

Well lets hope you learn from the mistakes of your last marriage and stand by this woman. And if she does have your child then you must treat your child and the other two she has by her ex, equally.:)

Not quite sure what this has to do with the thread??

Pee

If he does move to portugal with his current girlfriend, I imagine he'll be over to visit the children once a year, you'll send them over there once a year and that will be about all the hassle you have from him - possibly an improvement on the current situation.

You seem completely commited to the relationship. You should be able to support two children, irrespective of their actual parentage, it sounds as though your business is struggling and you should consider whether you have to choose between making money or having a job that fulfils you.

Have you checked that you are having all the benefits that you are entitled to?

If you can't manage without a second job, maybe now isn't a good time to try for another child.

rockingit_2

Pee wrote: »

......You seem completely commited to the relationship. You should be able to support two children, irrespective of their actual parentage, it sounds as though your business is struggling and you should consider whether you have to choose between making money or having a job that fulfils you.

If you can't manage without a second job, maybe now isn't a good time to try for another child.

Thanks Pee, I appreciate the vote of confidence as far as the relationship goes - and you're right, I am 110% committed to it, and all that comes with it. It is for that reason that I am in effect running two businesses (one that's been hammered by the recession and the other is showing great promise but is still very fledgling) by day and also trying to find something menial to supplement with by night. Neither of us is lazy and things will be OK.

But this isn't really what it's about - my impatience and frustration is in HOW the system can let someone get away with being an absolute toe-rag, and go and sit on his !!!! in not providing for his own children, expecting others, like me, who have morals and ethics, to do the job for him. Let's not forget here that my oh would be on her own in the same situation.