OH's children, ex and money

esmerelda98

Firstly, you are making a lot of assumptions about why this man left his job. Maybe he is suffering ill health, maybe he is being bullied, or maybe he is a very bitter man who thinks that if you want to play happy families with his children, then you should do it in the fullest sense. I think people with a long professional working history do not tend to drop their jobs on a whim, working and being seen to work is often too great a part of their identity for that. Then again, a very bitter man...

What jumps out at me is that you say you love his children as your own. Well, if that is the case just do what lots of struggling self-employed men up and down the country do: Just get on with it. You seem to have written this guy off anyway.

Butterfly_Brain

Play him at his own game and tell him he can have the kids

rockingit_2

Butterfly_Brain wrote: »

Play him at his own game and tell him he can have the kids

Purely coincidental to me starting this thread, he sent oh the most tedious of emails yesterday containing his demands for the conditions under which he will see his kids.... he RESIGNED in December, left in the middle of Jan after his four weeks, has sweet f.a. to do as he's out of work and no longer has police shifts to contend with but yet still claims to need to plan six months ahead that he can only have the kids for 2 days in the summer holidays.

Before anyone asks, oh has never ever discouraged the kids from seeing him or vice-versa, nor have I. In fact she has truly gone the extra mile time and time again in ignoring the barrage of abusive cr&p from him in just encouraging them to all keep contact. He cries any old bag of lies to his friends about how oh is not letting him see his 'much loved' kids - we know, we've seen his facebook postings - they make us lol everytime. Two weekends ago he had them, arranged until 6pm on the sunday as it was a school night (though he could have taken them to school on the monday morning, it wouldn't have been a problem to us), by 2pm he was driving them around in a loop and getting daughter to call us (not in) then any random selection of people until he could abandon them as early as possible.

We sent him an ultimatum last night by email and await his response!

Barny1979

What's the ultimatum say?

rockingit_2

Barny1979 wrote: »

What's the ultimatum say?

It IMPLIES that we think he needs to improve on his game for the sake of the kids otherwise we have a huge arsenal of things which we can use to his detriment.

Even the ever-tetchy daddies girl dd had an explosion of temper last night aimed in his direction and disclosed to us various things which they both know but the ex had asked them to keep quiet about.

mummy_Jay

You can't force him to be part of his childrens life and if all he wants is to mess the children about to suit his every whim, is it really that bad if he drops off the scene? At least the children will have a more stable enviroment to grow up in.

As for the maintainence, sorry but the amount of absent parents that do this seems really high, you've been lucky he's kept going this long.

Cut your loses, be honest with the kids about what he's up to (without expressing your opinion of him if you can) and accept that your the kids real dad as your the one that loves them, not him. It's going to be harder without the extra income (as I don't believe maintainence effect the level of tax credit etc you receive) but i think you'll find you have a happier, more forfilled family without him in the long run.

DX2

rockingit wrote: »

The long and short of it is the bloke is a * and we're pee'd off with him!!!

And that is exactly the reaction that he wanted when he put his little plan into action! Ignore the t wat rise above him.

DX2

kindofagilr wrote: »

Is he not within his rights to quit woerk if he wants to?

Do tax credits take maintenance into account?

If so then maybe the tax credits will increase now the maintenance has decreased?

Tax credits do not take maintenance into account any longer.

rockingit_2

mummy_Jay wrote: »

You can't force him to be part of his childrens life and if all he wants is to mess the children about to suit his every whim, is it really that bad if he drops off the scene? At least the children will have a more stable enviroment to grow up in.

As for the maintainence, sorry but the amount of absent parents that do this seems really high, you've been lucky he's kept going this long.

Cut your loses, be honest with the kids about what he's up to (without expressing your opinion of him if you can) and accept that your the kids real dad as your the one that loves them, not him. It's going to be harder without the extra income (as I don't believe maintainence effect the level of tax credit etc you receive) but i think you'll find you have a happier, more forfilled family without him in the long run.

I guess we've just been holding out and holding out that he will eventually see sense and 'do the right thing by his children' and are scared of running the risk of them holding it against us in later life. But yes, we pretty much are on the verge of just giving up on him, and tbh it would be a convenient 'excuse' as explanation to the kids if he was in trouble with the law. The trouble with morals is that you have to apply them even to those which lack them and we're both of us just too damn nice!!!

The kids know what's going on really, we know they know and we know that they know we know they know (phew!).... so what's the point in maintaining the charade?

Idiophreak

rockingit wrote: »

But this isn't really what it's about - my impatience and frustration is in HOW the system can let someone get away with being an absolute toe-rag, and go and sit on his !!!! in not providing for his own children, expecting others, like me, who have morals and ethics, to do the job for him.

Sorry to say it, but if you're treating these kids like your own, surely providing for them is your job now, not just his.

Fine, I realise the laws are there for a reason and blah blah blah - but something more fundamental is going on here...if you're so heavily reliant on income from a former partner, you're obviously struggling to provide well for your family - plenty of families manager to live their lives without a *magic* £400 arriving through the post each month.

That being the case, it's time to man up, let the self-employed thing go and get a steady job that will provide for your (growing?) family. Or, alternatively, accept that it's your employment choices that are causing the hardships in your family and stop trying to blame it all on the ex.

If you *just let the money go*, you'll be able to address other issues with the relationship between your children and their (natural) father - but until then, this is going to be a sticking point.

You have to look at things from both sides - I bet the guy's thrilled that his £400/month has been used for however long in order to subsidise your pet projects...