I'm going to do a diary too :)

gerbiljo

Ah thanks Lois letting it all out is good but I feel bad if its good for me then makes others depressed which probably sometimes happens!!

I think my dad was a bit upset because neither my sister or myself are happy at work and he thinks we should do something about it. I know he has a lot of pressure as his parents live in a big house and they can't cope but refuse to move and they ring him all the time upset too. My parents have brought us up as a family to be open and say what we feel and so ultimately he would want me to be able to 'cry' to him so I blame him!!! At the same time, I feel bad I made him shout as I know he only did that as at that moment because he probably felt he couldn't take anymore and I was his last straw. I guess we are all under stress and a certain amount of that is my fault because he wants to hold it together so I can see through this challenge (and in general going back to work after previous issues) .

I always remember my dad saying to me that he wanted to see me through uni to do a job I loved (as he hated his) so I feel incredibly bad that it has gone so badly wrong... I also remember about 9 years ago I signed a form committing to my first mortgage to end in 2033 and he said to me that day don't worry you will pay it off before then at that time I couldn't imagine how, i hope I can prove him right on this one

Anyway I feel better today, at the moment, its very up and down unfortunately. Will just gloss over but the doc was lovely and did give me some meds to help in the meantime (was on them about 5 years ago for a couple of months) and discussed everything and she feels its to do with work pressures and hours as other life aspects are ok. she thinks I should ask to reduce my hours so I will consider this. I might investigate unofficially a casual worker who helps out occasionally and see if she would be interested in doing a day a week before speaking to my boss, so it would be harder for him to say no (if she was interested). If I dropped a day from january onwards I think I might take one more month to complete this challenge... I think I can live with that!!

My sister went for a medical yesterday and she has a heart murmur and needs a heart scan- she wanted me to listen- I have a stethoscope and I checked my heart and I have one too doh!!! more fool me, I shall not think about such ridiculous things anymore!! (providing no issues come up in her scan!!)

Gonna try and build a mini path this weekend out the front of the house using my nans money. Also have to rehome 30 chickens from my father in law to a friend from work No more for me, I still have my one left but its getting on fine with the duck though I don't think I'll have it much longer. I am at full pet capacity atm I do not think I need to add to my stresses.

My poor little girl keeps getting constipated, that is quite upsetting we've tried various things and they seem to help for a bit then stop, I hope we can sort this out in the next month as she will be starting preschool

I think thats it for now, thank you for your support

gerbiljo

Well its only right to report some good things today so I not forever moaning on here!!

My husband has some how reduced the floor of the extension to £470 including the blocks for my path (at a lower rate than ebay), I'm pretty sure he estimated £700 and £50 for the path. He is doing really well at this, I think we will do our immediate planned building within the £1000 now rather than being just outside it.

He let me order a pressie as a treat:o. We grouted a mirror on our cloakroom wall about 5 years ago and when we did it my husband checked with me that I would never want it off the wall as he said it wouldn't come off. Well I decided I wanted to make our cloakroom reflect a holiday in norfolk went went on when I was pregnant and we stayed in a lighthouse cottage. A while ago I discovered this amazing picture of it during a storm but the only space in that room was where the mirror was so it had to come down!!! I decided today to try and get it off, I'm not superstitious but who wants to risk it!!! I didn't want 7 years bad luck!! Anyway thanks to the fact that the mirror-grout adhesion was significantly stronger than the paint(under the grout)-plaster adhesion it came off and the mirror is whole!! Complete with a layer of grout and paint!! Woohoo, not sure what I'll do with it tho... Anyway I have ordered my piccie, it was 'says very quietly' £80.... but I so love it and probably would have paid double:eek: When it arrives I shall post a pic, not sure I'd be allowed to post a pic atm So that has made my day. I now have to hunt down the spare tiles in the garage to cover the void....now that is a huge job our garage desperately needs sorting

That is about it I think, i am pleased that it is thursday tomorrow I do have a bad day ahead but I prefer to clear things tomorrow rather than friday. I plan to book some activities with my daughter in a lunch time and my week off so I hope work is quiet for them, not for a few weeks yet tho.

I do hope the rioting stops I don't usually get involved in political stuff but its scary when the world is like that I worry what life my little girl will have in this scary world Enough negativity can look forward to getting the next stage of building started

cha97michelle

Jo, You seem to be going up and down like a yoyo at the moment and it is definitely not good for you. I hope the tablets help a bit, but you sound like you need to release some of that pressure.

I hope the rest of the week is ok for you. xx

[Deleted User]

Hey Jo
Meant to come back to this the other day!...
Glad the Dr has given you some tablets which will hopefully help get things back on a bit of an even keel , I hear you on the work stress and it is quite something how much it can affect your life ... It sounds too like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to stick in this job and also "be happy" with it ...which is hard to do if youre just not! I wonder if rather than the pressure on yourself to enjoy/stick at it, you are able to cut down hours/see it as a means to and end (MF life) for as long as the benefits of being there outweigh the negative impact on your health and wellbeing??...

I guess for a year it may or may not be worth it , but are there other jobs which might be less pressure or you would feel put less pressure on yourself with? I found really looking at my expectations of work and myself helped scale things more into perspective about the important work plays in my life (not that I always get it right!! and not that that takes away from how difficult it can be at times)

Pressie sounds fab- sometimes we just need to treat ourselves and sounds like it has important sentimental value for you too

vl2588

I would pay more than that for the perfect picture too!

CathT

hi jo, i'm sure i posted here yesterday but can't see my post. Hope the tablets help but remember they can take a good few weeks to get in your system properly. You are so close to being MF but you need to enjoy the next 15 months too. Hope life calms down a bit for you.

GreenNinja

Hi gerbiljo,

Great diary! :j

Looking forward to following your progress

gerbiljo

Ooh lots of messages

Michelle, I am a bit of an extreme person, black/white and no shades of grey. This week has been really tough and I feel proud I haven't got more upset the last couple of days as I am tired and the weekend has come at the right time!! I expect I therapeutically turn to this diary at times to vent my frustration too! I spoke to someone from another branch today and it sounds like she was very upset and crying and not coping too (though she works many more hours than me now) but she used to be very enthusiastic, it is sad it has to be this way although I guess reassuring that I'm not the only one not that I want anyone else to feel like this. Unfortunately I think initially I struggled to cope and kept trying to cope and I seem to have lost my ability to take much strain and things can go from good to bad quickly, not sure I will ever get that resilience back Thank you I'm feeling better all the more for being friday

TYO I am certainly walking on a breaking rope bridge (!) I hope I can make it to the end. My plan is to maybe go to 4 days if I'm struggling or obviously if I go completely crazy I shall have to just take a break completely and accept things are hold, I really don't want to do this. I do want to talk to someone about dropping a day, but I haven't had time yet, I might not be allowed but I think its worth investigating as a possible option. I think for a year or so I can justify it, atm but when its bad its a close call. I really admire everyone in this for the longer term because theres no way I'd be able to do it.

Cath thanks I hope I can chill a bit too

Thanks green ninja

Hi V

Thanks for all the support guys

wantabetterlife

Hi jo, have caught up with your diary and i really feel for you. I too have struggled at times to cope with things and i know i have less resilience to stress now and the least thing seems to tip me over the edge. It started when my mum was really sick a few years ago and i couldnt cope at all, i lost over a stone in weight, was so anxious and worried all the time, had no appetite etc etc.
Even though i feel completely better now, the fact that i was ever like that scares the hell out of me because i dont know how i would cope with a lot of stress again.
I remember i girl i worked with told me once that there is a very fine line between what you can cope with and what you cant...it is so true.
Just remember that your own health has to take priority and one way or another the mortgage will get paid, dont try to carry the world on your shoulders.
I am going back to work after maternity leave in just over a week and i am getting really stressed out about how i will manage to juggle everything with three young kids and working full time...perhaps i should take some of my own advice :cool:
Take care and enjoy your wee girl

gerbiljo

wantabetterlife, thank you for your lovely message. I feel for you also having to go back full time with three little ones. It's a horrible time going back, its like a monday morning but 10 times worse. I didn't really know what would happen with my job when i went back so I was denied the dread and worry to a certain extent although I was worried what would happen otherwise. I hope the thought of going back hasn't tainted the time with your little one and I hope going back isn't too bad, the only good thing is getting that first pay cheque again! I hope you never have to get stressed like that again too, it can be so hard overcome it. I know my health should come first, and it does in that I will only take so much but the want to get to the end is huge as well so I guess I want to feel if I can't I really have given it my best shot! Wishing you luck for you return.

Thursday was hard as my daughter was still constipated and she kept getting upset. My dad was worried about having her on his own so she came to work, she was good and the girls were so good with her. We took her to the doctors and she is better now and the doctor was really good and we have a handout to explain how to control it. I feel relieved that is sorted now as that was another underlying worry last week.

Yesterday was really hard but I got through it and didn't really get upset but just was really tired and went to bed really early, feeling much better now. My husband bless him, who is also tired seems to want to start digging today. We are going to collect some chickens from my father in laws for rehoming today to a lady I know and then I guess food shopping and after that relaxing though my husband wants to go to the disney store to buy our daughter some 'cars' toys they are quite expensive so I need to encourage him to get them for her birthday/ xmas but as he rarely really wants something then I think we should go with it- I think he wants them secretly!! I seem to have a bit extra in my account so I might get them (first month of 'living' off cash rather than card and it seems we slightly overbudgetted woo, need to double check this first).

I do have a little business plan going on in my head, involving selling some stuff possibly on ebay, it would involve a credit card investment to buy some stuff to sell. Will update on this at a later date, it is a risk but I think a smallish one and could make a potentially healthy profit...depending!

Will update later after we have undoubtedly spent money!!