What benefits, are we entitled to - if any?

KimYeovil

What's with all the nutty 'congratulations' and 'I was in tears' posts?

It's come to a pretty pass when normal, unremarkable behaviour is praised as something special. Ridiculous thread.

aeb_2

KimYeovil wrote: »

What's with all the nutty 'congratulations' and 'I was in tears' posts?

It's come to a pretty pass when normal, unremarkable behaviour is praised as something special. Ridiculous thread.

First of all, I thanked you in error, I meant to press Quote

A very strange comment - did you know it is quite usual to congratulate someone who is having a baby - it is a joyous occasion for most people, especially as the OP had IVF several times. I don't call that 'normal or unremarkable', her babies will be so special, as is every baby.

As for taking in all those children, well you can't have any experience of the care system in this country because what they are doing is far from normal, unremarkable behaviour, in my experience relatives rarely step in even for one child, let alone five, or if they do they soon get fed up and change their minds.

tigtag02

KimYeovil wrote: »

What's with all the nutty 'congratulations' and 'I was in tears' posts?

It's come to a pretty pass when normal, unremarkable behaviour is praised as something special. Ridiculous thread.

Wow - one thinks maybe you should get back into bed and then get back out the otherside :seeavatorinliueofoldrollyeyessmiley:

Millie22

pigpen/bogof babe/DX2 - Thank you for your comments and questions. I keep saying that this all started a few months ago, but it has now been four months. I had already drawn up plans to extend the house, by building out over the double garage. A four bedroom house sounds big, but in practice the house is bottom heavy. These plans had been approved. The only change being that the rooms will now be used in a different way. What was originally going to be my master bedroom suite (to include bedroom/dressing room/ensuite/office), will now hold two bedrooms and a shower room. The previous owner partially converted the loft. By completing this, we will create another room. I hate to admit it, but as an architect, getting these minor changes rubber stamped, took no time at all.

My terminology regarding their mother's legal position is probably incorrect and unclear. To explain, when she was arrested at the begining of October there were three other women arrested at the same time. They were all on the same flight but apparently didn't know about each other. Her boyfriend was also arrested, but he faced more serious charges. Two of the women were both young mothers and both immediately pleaded guilty and co-operated fully with the police. His ex claimed that she didn't know what she had been asked to swallow, that they had threatened her life, threatened her kids etc. Because the other two women had pleaded guilty, they were able to conclude their casesl quickly. Both received what I thought were pretty harsh sentences - 9 years and 10 years with a recommendation that they serve minimum of 5 years. His ex stuck rigidly to her story. What she didn't know was that this was a large police operation, with months of surveillance - photos, tape recordings, and this proved categorically that she had been knowingly and willingly involved. She also carried more drugs than the other two women - she had packages in her luggage. When she sae the evidence she changed her plea to guilty, but they still have a hearing (of sorts) when all of the evidence plus any mitigating circumstances are put before the judge, who then goes away to consider what sentence to impose. It was at that hearing that stepson heard why she had got involved in this whole mess. As soon as she pleaded guilty, we knew she would probably face a custodial sentence. At the pre-sentence hearing the judge said that can expect to dealt with more harshly than the other two women, who pleaded guilty from the start, who had not lied, who had carried less drugs and who had been less involved in setting the whole thing up. She also had large sums of money passing theough her bank account and as we learned in court, she had made two similar trips about 6 months prior to her arrest. The two other women will serve five years each (despite one having far younger children), and her solicitor and the judge have said that she will not receive a lighter sentence then they did. So she will serve at least five years, but we have to wait until she returns to court for sentencing next month. Somebody with a better understand of the law might be able to give a clearer explanation, but the gist is correct.

As for overcrowding, the children are currently sleeping 2-3 to a room, which although not ideal, it is not extreme either. Their mother was living in a three bedroom fifth floor council flat, so I would love to hear the LA tell me that I have in sufficient room to house them.

Although the five children are not biologically related to me, they were not strangers to us. My husband has been a part of their lives from the day they were each born. He is godfather to two of them and the others call him dad. He visited his own children every week and inevitably spent time with the others. They have known me for eight years. My only regret is that we didn't offer to take them in immediately and instead let them spend two weeks in separate homes being shunted around. The three youngest were placed together with a family about 10 miles away. The 9 year old was so traumatised by events, that he wet and messed the bed two night in a row. The foster parents called SS first thing in the morning and demanded they remove them from the house. I'm not sure what happened at the next home that they were placed in, but the two youngest turned up at school unwashed and unkempt. The teachers called SS and they were moved again. The 14 y.o and 15 y.o. were placed together. The 14 y,o. started pulling her hair out in clumps (she now has bald patches all over) and refused to speak to anyone. The foster family asked for them to be removed after 4 days. When we called SS and said please let them come to us, they were more than happy to agree as long as their mother said yes.

DX - The issue of authority has already been dealt with. Their G.P, dentist and schools have already been provided with letters from their mother and three of the four fathers, giving us the necessary authority to make decisions about health, education and other matters. Their fathers might not go out of their way to see or spend time with their children, but give them a letter to sign absolving them of the need to behave like a father and they can't sign it fast enough. If only getting child support out of them was that easy.

My 19 y.o stepson has enlisted in the army - he leaves in August.

As for OH putting himself before his family, pigpen, I am sure you didn't mean that quite the way that it sounded. However, I guess you missed the paragraph in my first post where I say that my husband has said that he will defer his course for a year or two. There is no question of him putting himself before his family. He completes his law degree this year - he is just working on his final dissertation.

I don't know what will happen once their mother is released, I can't think that far ahead. Her youngest child will be at least 14 by then, and the others will be pretty much grown up.

I do understand that some of you might feel that we have taken on too much and that we haven't thought this through. You may well be right. However what I do know is that too many young people in this country have had their lives screwed up because their parents were absent, their fathers disappeared, went to jail or just didn't care, extended family who didn't look out for them, and an overburdened care system that fails to protect or nurture them before turniing them out onto the streets as soon as they hit 16. Living in Croydon (Surrey sounds posher, I know), where drugs, gangs and knife crime are real threats, the odds were already stacked against them. Leaving them to their fate would definitely have been the easy option for OH and me, but all of the children would have suffered, not just the five that ended up in care.

tigtag02

To quote 'KimYeovil' - I would like to be 'nutty' and say congratulations on your twins and also 'wow' to what you are doing for the other kids.

Sometimes you read / hear / see things that restore your faith a little in human nature.

Your actions, as far as I am concerned, is one of these 'things'.

All the best
tt

sarahlouise210

I am humbled reading this thread ..... Millie ,I admire you more than words can say :A - all the children are very lucky to have such a supportive family..what a horrendous time you have all had.
I think the way you have organised everything is amazing! :T

sulkisu

Hi Millie

If you have read any of my other posts, you will know that I am generally a hard-nosed unsentimental type of person, who would normally have been thanking KimYeovil for her insight and reaching for the sick bucket at the same time. Especially when I saw the title of the thread. I was intrigued by some of the comments that other posters have left and so read your original post, more out of curiosity than real interest.

I read it and my blood ran cold, because you could have been talking about me and my life. I went into care when I was 10 in 1976. I had two older siblings, sister 13 and brother aged 15. We lived with our mum, and didn't really know our dad-he had another family elsewhere. One day while we were in school our mum (who liked to drink) went out to the shops, got into an argument with somebody, which turned into a fight and she hit him with a metal bar fracturing his skull. That day I was collected fom school by a complete stranger and taken to a group home. We had no clothes except what we were wearing and had to sleep in somebodyelse nightclothes. A few days later they tracked down our father, who made it clear that he didn't want to know us. He even stood there pretending that he didn't recognise us and that they had got the wrong man. My mum had a sister and brother and other family as well. I remember the social worker (who was in a bad mood becasue he wanted to get home, so he kept swearing and muttering) driving us around to various relatives homes, arriving unannounced and asking if we could stay with them. I remember the shock when my aunt (my favourite aunt) said 'no'. So we went back to the group home. My brother ran away within weeks and because he was nearly 16, they didn't bother to report it or look for him. It was years before I saw him again - by which time he was drug addicted, alcoholic, homeless, no job, no money, nothing. My sister and I were placed separately and rarely saw each other. I can't even tell you how many foster homes and group homes I stayed in. My sister and I have never spoken about it but we were both abused while in care. She became pregnant by her foster father when she was 15, and kicked out onto the street. Our mum was released from prison after a few years but never came to find us. The really sad thing is that we weren't alone - there were hundreds/thousands like us. I am now 44 and I still live with what happened to me. I can't believe I am typing this here - I have never shared this with anyone. This was in the 70s and I know things are different now in the care system, but being separated from your family is traumatic no matter what decade it happens in.

So I can totally understand how those children would have felt, when they were taken away from their home and family and placed into care. However, unfortunately I can only imagine how they must have felt when you and your husband offered them a home with you. I for one, know how much of a difference you have probably made to their lives and while it is clear that you are not doing it for praise or reward, that doesn't mean that you don't deserve plenty of both.

Good luck, I really hope it all works out.

DX2

Millie22 wrote: »

DX - The issue of authority has already been dealt with. Their G.P, dentist and schools have already been provided with letters from their mother and three of the four fathers, giving us the necessary authority to make decisions about health, education and other matters. Their fathers might not go out of their way to see or spend time with their children, but give them a letter to sign absolving them of the need to behave like a father and they can't sign it fast enough. If only getting child support out of them was that easy.

Excellent news!

Going to be honest here and I truely think you and your husband are two very special people, had it been me I know for a fact I would have taken in just the bio kids. Good luck with everything.

Bogof_Babe

Well, phew! Thank you so much Millie for taking the time to give us the full lowdown on this tragic situation. In the circs I now fully understand why you want to undertake this huge commitment, and with your outlook and attitude I know you and your husband will give it your very best shot. Those children are blessed to have you in their lives, and I hope they grow up to appreciate it.

As for you sulkisu, even if it is naff to say so, I do have tears in my eyes reading about your young life. It beggars belief that anyone can grow up fairly normal after going through that, so all credit to you that you have managed to get on with your life without being embittered or permanently traumatised.

Good luck Millie. I doubt you will have much time to keep us in the picture but I'm sure we would all appreciate occasional updates as to how everything is working out.

Best of luck with your twins too - that alone would be enough for most people to cope with!

paulabear

Just a quick reply - think you are wonderful and definitely would have done the same, poor kids - if you have the time and are new to the site, a good trawl round the forums can find you lots and lots of good ideas for saving/making money. Money Saving Old Style has lots of cheap and easy recipes and the members on there are lovely and will answer any question related to food, cleaning, clothes repairs, and other things. There are many other boards with tons of advice and ideas, all worth a look
You sound like you're taking it all very calmly; best wishes to you all and hope you find a lot of help here, I know I have! xx