Dispute between me and my brother - very upset

Tia_24

peachyprice wrote: »

Why not ask him to come to you instead?

Your brother invited him to stay with him for the weekend, to feel left out because they haven't factored a visit to your new house in their schedule is a little childish.

I think childish a little strong but I can see what you mean! I would have certainly invited him to the house tomorrow but unfortunately he and my OH dont like each other and neither will want to be in the same place at the same time, which obviously makes it a bit difficult. I had talked to my OH about him "popping out for an hour" when I first knew my dad was coming up but now the boiler is being installed tomorrow my OH wants to be onsite.

It's a bit of a mess at the moment to be honest.

Tia_24

Zazen999 wrote: »

I think the real question is - do you want to be friends with your brother again or not?

If so, then maybe apologise and take round a nice cake when your dad is there [or beforehand if you can].....

I do want to make him with him, but at the moment I think I'm still too sensitive over it, I would probably make it worse at the moment.

As much as I dont want to apologise first (I do want to make ammends though) as I feel he overstepped the mark with the abusive message, if we're going to make up it's going to have to come from me, I cant see him apologising to me.

Belfastgirl, thanks for your reply. Your right me being over sensitive with me Dad, he would be upset if he knew how upset I was.

I will just have to suck it up! And work things out with my brother.

RadoJo

I agree with the other posters that your Dad's visit isn't really an issue - I can see that in the light of your current stand-off it seems as though your Dad is choosing your brother over you, but if you and your bro weren't at loggerheads I'm sure it wouldn't be such an issue. Does your Dad even know about this row?

With regard to the problem with your brother, you only have your text from him to go by and for all you know the third-hand version he got of what you said to his GF might have sounded a lot worse than you thought it came out at the time. I understand that you're hurt by his message, but imagine if he had said something to your OH about you which seemed to be the product of years of resentment (which in fairness is how your comment must have come across despite your follow-up comments). It's absolutely clear from what you've said here that you didn't mean it, but the fact remains that it was your comment that seems to have turned a silly mis-communication into an opportunity to dredge up old issues, so I also agree that making the first move to your brother is the right thing to do.

I hope you can sort this out - we always hold our families to such high standards and it can be hard when you feel like they haven't lived up to them, but I'm sure you can sort it out.

Errata

I will just have to suck it up! And work things out with my brother.

That sounds like a good plan, otherwise your OH is on no speaks with your dad and you will be on no speaks with your brother.

mrcow

Tia - silly question perhaps, but have you actually apologised to your brother for what you said about him yet?

He was obviously upset given the text message he sent. if that had been my brother, I would have gone round to see him, apologised for saying stuff that was out of order and given him a hug.

Whether he offers an apology back or not is up to him.

But you need to get in there first and should have done so weeks ago.




Edit: sorry - I should have read past post 1 before I replied1 But my opinon still stands. You need to get on and do this.

pusscat

In your situation I would send your brother and his girlfriend an email - that way you have time to phrase it properly and to not allow any "flippant" remarks to get in the way.
I am the oldest and have had a similar dispute with my youger brother in the past.
Get someone else to check the email for you to avoid getting it complex and causing more problems.

I would put in your email that

You are sorry that you overreacted about a bed being returned
That they just caught you at a bad moment
That you were stressed because you have just moved house (or whatever) and you took your stress out on them
That you did not mean the remark about him and that you were just being snappy because you were stressed.
That you don't like being out of sorts with them as they are your friends and you love them.
That you were hurt by his message but that you hope it was just done in the heat of the moment and the argument.
That the whole situation has just blown up put of control.
That if the message was not just a "heat of the moment" thing that you would dearly love to talk it through with him.
That you have not been in touch since ???? as you have been licking your wounds as you were hurt, but that you value him too much as a brother not to try and sort it out.
That you can't believe that you all fell out over a bed and that you would love to put the clock back.

I would not attempt to put any of the blame on to them - as it will only prolong the dispute and it really is not worth it. To sort the situation out sometimes we just have to be big enough to accept all of the blame ourselves, even if you don't think it is all your fault - sometimes us oldest ones just have to do it that way, even though we don't want to :-)

If you approach it like this then hopefully by you taking all of the blame and apologising you will just blow the storm out and take all of the heat out of the situation and you can all get back on track fairly easily.

If there is something much bigger going on then hopefully he will also feel able to talk to you about it - once you have held out the olive branch and taken away the blame.

Forget the stuff about your Dad's visit, your Dad is stuck between a rock and a hard place if you and your brother are not speaking. Just concentrate on sorting out with your brother - then the rest will sort itself out.

I would also be careful of any "flippant remarks " in the future - especially with your brother and his girlfriend!

Once things are back on track then send some flowers or pop round with a cake as someone else suggested.

Good luck and I am sure it will all sort itself out.

Puss
xx

Tia_24

thanks everyone, it's been really helpful to see another point of view other than mine.

Radojo, your right it does feel like he's chosing him over me even though I know he would never do that.

Mrcrow, no I havent apologised to him or seen or spoken to him since this happened, I guess its just been festering since then.

Pusscat, your right everyone is looking to me to make ammends as I'm the eldest but your advice is great, thank you.