Dispute between me and my brother - very upset

Tia_24

Morning everyone

Sorry for this post, but I need to vent as I'm so upset and hurt at the moment.

In December my brother and I had a huge argument over something incredibly trivial. My OH and I had moved out of our flat in May and were living with my mum whilst we were in the process of buying our own place, we'd asked my brother and his GF if they would like our spare bed when they moved into their flat in June as 1) they were moving in to a 2 bed flat and didn’t have a spare bed and 2) it would help us as the spare bed wouldn’t have to be stored in a garage for 6 months. They agreed and everything was fine.

Fast forward to December and my brother and his GF have bought a new bed and want ours out, which is fair enough. My main issue and the reason for the argument was the lack of communication they gave us. They called at 9.30pm on Sunday evening to let us know they would be bringing round the bed first thing Monday morning, I tried to explain that it wasn’t convenient as we needed to repack the garage, where all our belongings were, and my brother flipped and started shouting at me down the phone that they’d been doing us a favour by keeping the bed etc etc, this carried on until he put the phone down on me, I hadn’t managed to get a word in and I was shocked as he usually doesn’t act like that.

I called him back to try and sort the matter out and his GF answered the phone and said he wouldn’t come on the phone and talk to me and did I want to explain our situation to her?! So I tried and I must admit I was struggling to keep my temper here but I explained, without shouting, to her that the lack of communication and notice was the main issue, and we would have appreciated a bit more notice to sort things out. She said they had been trying to let us know and had been ringing the home number all day and no one had been answering! So I said If I ring a number all day and no one answers, that tells me no one is in and I would have expected her to try any 1 of the 3 mobile numbers that she had for me, my OH and my mum. Now, in the heat of all this, when I was starting to lose my cool, I said something flippantly about how everyone runs round my brother and he’s got people at his beck and call (this is true but wasn’t anything to do with the topic and I shouldn’t have mentioned it at all, even at the time I said to my brothers GF “oh please just ignore that comment I don’t know why I said it”)

I thought that between me and his GF everything had been resolved, until I got a text message from my brother about 5-10 mins after the conversation with his GF. It’s clear that his GF passed over everything I’d said, including the comment about people running around after him. I was so shocked and upset, there’s only 18 months between us and we’ve always been quite close and gotten on well, I couldn’t believe that he would write such a message, especially to his sister, the general gist is that I’m selfish and a horrible person and it finishes with “F*** off, I don’t want to know you anymore”. I mean this is all over a bed for goodness sake!!!

Well I’ve been dealing with this pretty well and trying not to let it upset me until last night and this morning, my brother has arranged for my Dad and his partner (my parents divorced when I was 6) to come up and stay at their flat for the weekend. My OH and I bought a house at the end of December and live 5-10 mins away from my brother. My Dad hasn’t seen our new house yet and as he has made plans with my brother, he can’t seem to squeeze in a half hour visit to the house; I’ve even offered to take time of work this afternoon so they can come round! I’ve made plans to have dinner with him tomorrow evening before he goes home, but he’s arriving today at lunch time and he’s got plans all this afternoon, all evening and all day tomorrow and it feels like I’m being tacked onto the end of his trip as an afterthought. I feel so hurt and left out and feel like he’s seeing me just before he goes home because he has to and not because he wants to. I’m really upset and keep bursting into tears, which as I’m at work, isn’t great! I don’t know how to express how upset I am to my Dad, I tried earlier today on the phone but he said “it would be to difficult to change their plans”

So sorry for the long post and if you’ve stuck this far, your amazing and thank you.

Mojisola

Didn't want to read and run. So sorry you're feeling so sad. These things rock you when they come out of the blue.

It sounds as if something has been brewing in your brother's life for some time and you just got the outburst at the end of it. Unless he's been silently seething about "storing" your bed, it might be nothing to do with you but he'd reached a blow-out stage and you were there! If you realise it probably wasn't personal, it might ease your pain.

If you can, just step back from it all. Give everything a chance to settle. Don't push for your father to visit with you. It might be your brother arranged the trip because of whatever's stressing him and he really needs the time with your Dad.

Be really kind to yourself. Treat yourself tonight and make sure your OH knows you need lots of support.

shellsuit

If they took the bed from you, then why were they asking you to have it back just because they didn't want it anymore?

If you gave them the bed, then its theirs and upto them to dispose of!

Unless I've got the wrong end of the stick?

Tia_24

Mojisola, Thank you, I know I'm not seeing it from my brothers point of view, usually I try and see both sides of an argument but I'm too upset on this occasion.

I wont push Dad anymore to come and see the house, I guess I'll leave it up to him when he wants to see it.

Tia_24

shellsuit wrote: »

If they took the bed from you, then why were they asking you to have it back just because they didn't want it anymore?

If you gave them the bed, then its theirs and upto them to dispose of!

Unless I've got the wrong end of the stick?

The bed was a loan until they bought a new one or we bought a house, which ever came first or was the most convenient.

We have no problem with them giving us the bed backc, it was the way they went about it.

shellsuit

Tia_24 wrote: »

The bed was a loan until they bought a new one or we bought a house, which ever came first or was the most convenient.

We have no problem with them giving us the bed backc, it was the way they went about it.

Ahh I see. Can't you not meet up with your brother and have a chat with him? He thinks your in the wrong and you think he's in the wrong, and it's sad to fall out over something (like you said), so trivial.

I hope you can work it out x

springclean

Hi Tia, I hope i can help a little in my interpretation.

i won't go into the bed situation, but with regards your dad, i see it as your brother inviting him to come and stay for the weekend, which meant he expected to see him and do things with him.

unless you are telling me that your dad wanted to visit everyone, and your brother offered him a room while he did that, then he has made weekend plans with your brother. the fact that you live 5 minutes away is irrelevant. if you lived 50 miles away you would not be so upset.

imagine you invite guests for the weekend (whoever they are), and then they say 'oh, while we're there we want to go and meet *** for the day'.

don't take this so personally. be pleased to see your dad, and when you do ask if you can arrange a weekend with him the same as your brother did.

you're now a home owner with your own 'family', so there is a shift in how you may see and meet the family you once lived with, that's all.

Errata

Sounds like the Crown Prince syndrome to me. Many families have it, it isn't fair and it isn't right but it happens and perhaps the easiest way to deal with it is to accept it and make sure it doesn't have any significant impact on one's own life.
On the other hand, if the brother's behaviour was completely out of character then it may have been caused by something other than the bed which may, or may not, become clear in time.

peachyprice

I think your fall-out with your brother is leading you to overeact to your Dad's visiting plans.

He is making time for you, he's arranged to have dinner with you tomorrow night.

He has already made plans with your brother, with whom he is staying, for the rest of the time, it would be rude of him to break those plans just to come see your house as soon as he gets here, rather than wait until tomorrow.

What difference does it make whether he sees your house today or tomorrow?

Tia_24

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply

Shellsuit - Everyone keeps telling me that I should make peace first and talk to him as I'm the eldest, but I feel that as an adult he should take some responsibility for his actions and apologise for the message he sent.

Springclean - I agree with you that I would be annoyed if I had invited people up and they then arranged to go and visit someone else, but I'm not someone else - I'm his daughter. I agree with you that the distance I live from my brother shouldnt matter but I didnt ask my Dad to come round for hours and hours, I asked him to come round for 20-30 mins to see our first house, it's less than 2 miles!

Erratta - It was out of character for him but I dont think that can excuse the message he sent me.

Peachyprice - I know I probably am overracting but I cant do anything about it, I feel really left out and he really upset me. I'm meeting my Dad in town tomorrow for dinner, he's not coming to the house at all.

Errata

OK - it it was out of character there will be a reason. Speculating, his GF could have been nagging him for days to call you before he finally got round to it and he had the hump with her but couldn't do anything about it and you got both barrels.
Are you close to your brother? If so, why not contact him - ring him at work - and say you're a bit worried about him as what he's done is so out of character and ask him if everything is ok ?
Can you be a big sister about all this, because little brothers as we know can be complete hobnobs at times.

The problems between you and your father are between you and your father and have nothing to do with your brother, or his GF.